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.·:·.✧ ✦ ✧.·:·.
"so.. we finally booked the return ticket.. it's tomorrow"
manager-nim says, leaving the room as silently and hurriedly as he entered.
instead of replying anything, I just nod.
ever since that day, when I fought with manager-nim, a fear worked in me and I was afraid to talk to him, afraid that I might say unusual things and misbehave again.
that comfortableness and understanding between us downgraded and, I blamed myself for everything.
I was used to with hearing "we are going tomorrow" and then the plan getting canceled again, so this time I just didn't feel anything.
but when the next day came, it turned out to be true, I was set to go back and I found myself bidding farewell to my family.
"I don't know what happened and what made my beautiful daughter turn out like this but.. I hope your mind feels at peace soon.. I don't want anything else, just be happy and I hope everything turns out well for you"
mom says as she hugs me and slowly, my tears start flowing down my cheek.
"mom.. I'm sorry.. for ruining the last days here like this.. It's all my fault.."
I sobbed on her chest as I hug her tightly.
"it's not your fault, you aren't the one to be blamed at. rain is necessary for sunshine. even if it's hard, just hang in there for a bit more. even if it's raining hard, don't be afraid, just get wet and run. soon, you'll be home"
she says making me cry even more.
as much as I was desperate to go back and fix things with taeyoung, one part of me really wanted to stay. my heart ache badly leaving mom alone again. I thought I was used to with it, but I can never be. it's my own blood, my mom.
why can't I just stay with all my loved ones at once? why do I have to say goodbye to one to stay with another? is it too much to ask for?
"smile.. keep it simple and just wear a smile.."
I whisper to myself as the van comes to an halt, outside the airport.
I could already hear all the cheers and camera clicks.
I open the door and come out, the biggest smile ever on my face as I greet the fans and the reporters on my way.
I wave at everyone for the last time as I step through immigration and, there it goes.
the fake big smile just drops naturally.
it's scary and at the same time sad, how good I'm at this, how we idols have no choice but be so good at this. cause according to everyone, we aren't really humans, it's a crime to be sad or frown, we aren't supposed to have our bad days, we are only supposed to be happy, smile, just smile. everything's alright as long as a smile is plastered on our faces.
