Winner Takes It All

Chapter 9.5

The roof was dark except for the soft glow of the moonlight. Leo and Xavier were celebrating their freedom from the police station but for some reason Leo could not find it in himself to hate Xavier the way he usually did.

"Partners in crime but you barely know me," Xavier teased. He was happy when he was tipsy, Leo realised that night. There was a lightness to his voice, in his eyes that Leo was not used to.

"I know you", Leo insisted, gulping down his drink.

Xavier gave him a sceptical look.

Leo fiddled with his hands, trying to figure out how to prove that he knew him without revealing how closely he had been observing Xavier.

"I know you love Roald Dahl", Leo blurted eventually. "I know that you actually care quite a bit about the environment. That you use suave kids shampoo. That you love Capri suns and have the obsessive urge to lint roll everything."

Xavier snorted in amusement. "How do you know all that? Do I need to consider a restraining order?"

Leo rolled his eyes. "No. I saw the box you dedicated to lint rolls when you were moving out and your fridge is stuffed full of Capri suns. The rest...", Leo trailed off, unsure of what he wanted to say.

"I guess we have spent a lot of time together", Xavier said eventually.

Leo hummed his assent.

5 drinks later

"Did you know that Liam used to be terrified of the dark?" Leo slurred.

Xavier had reached an equal degree of intoxication and so did not even give him that look that told Leo he was being a freak.

"He used to wake me up in the middle of the night so I could accompany him to the bathroom."

"That's adorable", Xavier murmured and it would seem that he meant it.

"It was. I didn't mind. I'd do anything he would have asked of me. I thought the world of my brother - even if, even if sometimes -"

"My best friend growing up was my brother," Xavier murmured and Leo was glad for the interruption. He shook himself free of his thoughts and tuned in to what Xavier was saying. Tipsy Xavier was happy but drunk Xavier was sentimental.

"I idolised him," Xavier sighed into the wind. "I thought he was the coolest person I knew. I would have done anything he asked."

"Do you miss him?"

"Everyday", Xavier admitted. "Part of the reason I started acting was through therapy actually. But it became more than that. Drama and theatre - it's about people and life. You get to live 100 different lives in one lifetime. Everytime I'm on stage, I'm dedicating that life to my brother."

"That's beautiful," Leo exhaled.

Xavier was silent for a moment and Leo had the impression that he was turning over a thought in his head. Over and over.

"I blamed myself for his death for a long time, you know. I kept thinking that maybe I could have seen something, or done something differently."

Leo tilted his head so he could read his face. "You're not responsible though. You know that right?"

Xavier made a soft sound of assent. "I know."

"Seriously. It's not your fault."

Xavier laughed and it was a beautiful sound. "Strangely enough, that's comforting to hear. Especially since you're not being paid to tell me that."

Leo let his hand brush against his on the concrete floor. "Glad I could help. Tell me more about him."

Leo let one of his fingers tap against his hand, tethering Xavier to him, to the ground, so he wouldn't get lost in the memories.

Xavier must have known that Leo was trying to comfort him because he shifted his palm so that the sides of their hands were pressed together - a small warmth in the cold night.

"He liked to paint", Xavier continued. Leo discovered a new smile of his then. It was a wistful, crooked one that reached his eyes. It was real.

Leo nudged his hand. "A family of artists. Was he any good?"

"No. But there's this painting he made of me and him. It's still hanging somewhere at our old school. When - when he - they offered to give it to us but my parents and I couldn't stand the sight of it."

"And now?"

"Now I wish I had taken it."

Leo studied Xavier's profile, the clenched jaw and the bob of his throat. "Well why don't you go back and ask for it?"

"I don't know. It would feel weird going back. There are just so many memories of him in that hallway. And I'd probably have to have a super awkward conversation with my teachers."

Leo chortled. "You were probably a terrible student."

"I was the worst," Xavier confirmed proudly. "My brother was their star student though. He was super smart."

The cold air kissed his cheeks but Leo felt warm. He pretended that it had nothing to do with the heat of Xavier's hand against his. "Oh yeah?"

"He used to be in the chess club."

Leo was unsure of what to say. "Cool", he settled on eventually.

"No. It was super lame. He was super lame. I loved him for it. I wish I had told him that more."

"I'm sure he knew", Leo whispered, thinking all of a sudden of his brother and how rarely Leo told him he loved him.

"He did." Xavier sniffed and pulled away his hand. Leo looked at the night sky and pretended he couldn't see him rub his eyes dry.

There was a moment of silence filled only by their breaths and beating hearts.

"My brother would have liked you", Xavier said eventually.

Leo was silent with shock. "I think that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me," he said eventually with a smile.

Xavier chuckled softly and the sound carried in the night's breeze. "Sometimes you're not so bad", he admitted reluctantly.

Leo's cheeks grew hot and he smiled at him. "You're sometimes bearable too."

Xavier nudged the edge of his hand against his and an unknown warmth filled Leo's chest.

"So, since we're sharing, want to tell me what the deal with Maximus was?"

Leo scoffed. "He said my brother's name while we were having sex and then said some things that I would rather not repeat."

"Shit," Xavier murmured.

"Shit indeed."

"You're still so close with your brother though. I mean you're willing to help me date him. I think that's very cool."

"Sometimes I get jealous," Leo said candidly.

Xavier looked at him as though he were seeing him for the first time. "That doesn't make you a monster. I used to get jealous of my brother all the time, but I still loved him more than anyone else in the world. That's what counts."

"I like that," Leo decided.

Xavier smiled softly at him and Leo returned it. There was a feeling in his chest, a small bubble that grew and expanded until it was pushing up against his ribcage. Leo blamed it on the alcohol but when he next saw Xavier, the feeling was still there.