Finally Free Again

15

Warnings:
-Eating disorder behaviour

Clay's POV

~ A Few Days Later ~

I had genuinely been trying my absolute hardest to be kinder the last few days and easier to deal with, but it had been so incredibly hard.

I accepted the tube feeding two times, but one of the times I started exercising the whole night. George couldn't stop me and after I exercised for six hours, I passed out and George carried me to my bed. I fell asleep for the rest of the day and then had a panic attack because I moved too little.

The other time I threw up all the feeding I got and all the other times I refused, fought against it and screamed just as long as it took that they gave up. They had to tie me four times even though I was actually trying so hard to stop fighting.

Today was the worst day ever. I had to weigh myself and saw I weighed ninety-eight pounds. The nurses got extremely mad at me and they literally pushed me to my bed, locking all the doors. One nurse stayed with me all day, making sure I wasn't moving.

I cried all day and the nurse finally left me alone now. I had just gotten tube feeding and I stood up, running to the door. I was so incredibly weak that I collapsed on the floor which caused George to jump up.

'Clay, you NEED to lay down. You're in danger and you keep losing weight. I want you to lay down with me now.'

'No, but I need to throw up my tube feeding!' I yelled as I tried to push him away.

'Clay, now you're listening to me,' he started with a harsh voice. 'You're dying, okay? You're literally dying right now. If you throw up one more time, your life can just be over. If you run around one more time, you can just die right away. You NEED to lay down on your bed and accept the tube feeding, NOW.'

I looked at him and felt tears in my eyes. 'See, you don't care about me either.'

'I care so much about you that I'm so incredibly worried about your health. I care so much that I didn't sleep last night because I'm so worried!' he yelled as he lifted me up very carefully. 'YOU NEED TO LISTEN NOW.'

I sniffed softly as I let him carry me to bed. I noticed he had tears in his eyes as he laid me down and then pulled the sheets far over my body.

'Please, Clay. Listen to me just ONE time,' he begged me. 'Please. You are never going to beat this if you keep listening to the voice in your head. So for one time, PLEASE listen to me.'

I breathed out as I nodded slowly. 'Okay, I will,' I whispered.

'Then I want you to lay down and sleep, okay? When the nurse gets here in the evening to give you feeding through your tube, please accept it. I know you don't realise it, but you're dying right now. Your heart can stop any moment, okay? You're incredibly sick and if you don't accept help, tomorrow might be your last day here.'

I nodded slowly, realising his words. I couldn't even walk normally without collapsing. My heart was constantly beating in between thirty and forty which meant it was way too low.

I gave up the fight. I knew I would not be able to give up this whole fight, but I needed to rest for now. I needed to survive. I was exhausted and George laid with me as I fell asleep in his arms.

~~~

I woke back up after five hours and laid down on my bed, moving my legs. George didn't stop me since he knew I had already done way more against my will than I had in weeks.

After half an hour a nurse walked in. She immediately sighed as she realised she needed to give me tube feeding again, but George kept laying down with me as he ran his hand through my hair.

'You can do it and your body needs it,' he whispered.

'My stomach is hurting, I feel bloated and very fat,' I sniffed as I saw the feeding going through my tube.

'You're bloated because you didn't eat anything in weeks. Whenever you eat something, your stomach needs to get used to that again. It didn't have to digest anything in weeks.'

'Okay,' I whispered, closing my eyes. 'Can something stop this pain? I'm already fighting so hard against the panic in my body and then I also have a lot of pain.'

George looked at the nurse. She sighed but didn't say anything since I wasn't "complaining" either. She walked off as I looked at George.

'Is it enough now? Can we turn it off? I think we can, right?'

'Stay strong for just a bit longer,' he smiled.

'But George, I feel that I have something in my stomach which means I have too much in my stomach because I'm supposed to feel empty or hungry. Now I feel there's something in my stomach, this means I'm getting very fat.'

'Leave it, okay? I feel full all the time. Actually, I need to eat my food too. Can we eat together?'

'Do I need to eat solid food?' I yelled out with a terrified look.

'No! I'm going to eat solid food and you're getting fed. Maybe you feel less alone when I'm eating too?'

I nodded slowly and he stood up as he walked to his bed to click his button. It took a while but then a nurse came in. He asked her if we could eat together and she walked off again to get George food.

She came back with a plate of food and I noticed him getting very scared.

'Are you okay?'

'It's difficult,' he smiled. 'But I want to get better. My blood counts aren't good yet so I'm staying here until they are.'

I nodded shortly and looked at him eating his sandwich. I looked at the sandwich and then sobbed softly. 'I wish to eat.'

'You can eat, you didn't lose your ability to eat. Your head is making it SEEM impossible to eat, but it's not impossible at all.'

George opened his sandwich and ripped off a very tiny piece of ham. 'There's barely any calories in this, want to taste it?'

'But that's food, George. I can't eat food.'

He shrugged and took a small bite from his sandwich as he held the ham in front of my mouth. I stared at it and debated on taking it. It was just as small as a finger top and as thin as paper. I could do this.

I opened my mouth and George put the ham into my mouth. I held his hand tightly because I was so scared and then smiled. 'I did it.'

'I've never been prouder of you,' he answered with a smile. 'I told you that you could do it.'

'I don't dare to eat anything the next few days next to my tube feeding. Do you think it can be turned off now?'

'Just a few more minutes. You can do it, okay? You can very softly move your legs if that makes you calm, but SOFTLY, okay?'

I nodded and moved my legs very softly as I held him. 'Thank you for being here.'

'I understand your battle, Clay. I'm here with you.'

1258 words