Finally Free Again

13

Warnings:
-Forced feeding (slight abuse/blood)
-Mentions purging/overexercising
-Numbers (weight/BMI)

Clay's POV

No one noticed that I threw up my tube feeding and exercised three hours after that. When the nurse came back, I quickly laid back in bed. She seemed confused why I was here again, but she didn't question it because she didn't care about me at all.

'Where is George?' I asked as I looked at his empty bed. 'He has been gone for hours.'

'He's outside with his dad.'

I smiled and lifted myself up. 'Can I go outside too?' I asked with a happy and hopeful smile on my face.

'No, you can't,' she replied bluntly. 'And I'm feeding you again.'

She didn't even say anything about me pulling my tube out and sighed.

'I want to go outside,' I whispered. 'Can I go very shortly? I'd like to feel the fresh air around me, I love to be outside.'

'You're dying, you can't go outside. Just start eating again and then you'll be able to go outside. Your BMI needs to be at least 17,5 to go outside again, but you'll probably only be allowed to go outside when your weight is restored.'

'But I'm healthy! I can go outside now, I'm not underweight.'

'Your BMI is 13,' she scoffed with an eye roll. 'You can be glad that you're not dead yet.'

'I think that's pretty high,' I mumbled. 'When will my weight be restored then?'

'For your length, you'll need to gain forty pounds at least. To be actually healthy, you'll probably need to gain sixty more pounds.'

'Yeah, no way. I need to lose weight instead of gaining weight. Can I please go outside? Just a small round? I'd really like to go outside.'

'As long as your heart keeps going thirty beats per minute, you're forced to stay in bed.'

I pouted from sadness and sniffed softly as the nurse rolled her eyes. 'Stop crying, you did this to yourself.'

'I didn't,' I whispered. 'I don't want to be so scared. I really want to eat, but I just feel so weak. It feels like I can't do it.'

'Everyone can eat, don't complain about it.'

'But the voices tell me not to eat and they are ruling over me. I'm weaker than the voices, I need to listen to them because otherwise I panic and feel very sad.'

'Then you don't want to eat,' she scoffed. 'You can also just lay down and let me give you tube feeding in peace.'

'But I can't,' I cried. 'I can't just let it happen.'

'I hope you're gone here really soon, because I can't deal with your annoying behaviour. Your parents don't even come to visit you anymore, don't you think that says enough?'

I was deeply hurt by what she said. I was so hurt that I even stopped moving my legs to curl myself up to hug my own body since I felt so alone. The nurse didn't say anything and rolled me to my back, grabbed a tube again.

I shook my head heavily but she squeezed my cheeks painfully hard. I tried to not bite my own tongue as I was trying to fight, but she was hurting me so much that I couldn't move my face.

She grabbed the tube and roughly stuck it into my nose. It hurt so much that it felt like I was having a nosebleed and she pushed it down to my stomach, sticking it into my cheek with a sticker.

I was sobbing softly and lifted my hand to my nose, seeing it return red. 'You hurt me,' I whispered.

'No, you're just weak because you don't eat anything,' she sighed as she gave me a napkin.

I held it on my nose as the door opened and I looked up at George and a man who walked into the room with tears in my eyes. The nurse suddenly left the room as they sat down and the man came up to me.

'Are you having a nosebleed?'

'She hurt me,' I mumbled. 'She's always very rough when she pushes the tube into my nose, she's never nice to me because she thinks I'm very annoying.'

The man made me sit up and lean forwards as he held his index finger and his thumb on the bone in my nose. 'Hold the napkin if you can.'

'Thank you, sir.'

'What's your name?' he asked with a smile. 'Are you Clay?'

'How do you know?' I questioned with a confused face.

'I'm George's father, he told me about you. I heard that you're struggling a lot and that people aren't very kind to you.'

'She doesn't understand me,' I sobbed as I grabbed his free hand. He held my hand as I had tears roll down my face. 'She thinks I'm complaining and she forces me to eat. When I don't listen she ties me to my bed to force me to eat.'

'Sweetheart, I understand your battle, okay?'

'Do you?' I mumbled as I looked at him with a sad face.

'George has bulimia. He explained the battle to me in someone's head who battles with an eating disorder.'

'Oh, but sir. I don't have an eating disorder, I don't know why everyone says that.'

'Honey, did you know that people with an eating disorder often deny they have an eating disorder? That's because it's never enough in a person's head who suffers from it. George told me that he didn't think anything was wrong either, even when he binged and purged everyday.'

I was quiet for a little while and then grabbed his hand with both my hands. He held the napkin as I pouted. 'But sir, I'm very fat and it makes me so sad. I really want to be thin so my dad loves me. It feels like I'm the cause of my always arguing parents.'

'You need to rest, but I want to do a challenge with you, okay? I'm going to get something and I'd like to do this with George too.'

I nodded as he walked off and George stood up. I grabbed his hand now and he smiled at me.

'Did you have fun outside?' I whispered, feeling very upset that I couldn't go outside.

'We are not going to talk about that,' he answered. 'I want to tell you that I'm proud of you. These nurses treat you like shit and your battle is so terribly difficult, but you're still holding on.'

'I feel like I'm giving up soon already. I'm not very proud of myself,' I muttered.

'But I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you no matter what and I understand what you're going through. Anorexia and bulimia can kick us down, but we are going to get up again, alright? Together.'

I didn't want to argue that I didn't have anorexia and he knelt down next to my bed, resting his head on the mattress. I rested my head against his and he smiled. 'You're beating this, I'm so sure.'

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