Finally Free Again

14

Warnings:
-Numbers (weight/goal weight)

Clay's POV

George's dad came back with a few strings. He smiled at George and me and he handed George one of them. 'Alright, George. I want you to lay this down in a circle, but with the size YOU think your waist is.'

'So I need to lay this down the way I see myself in the mirror?'

'Yes, then I'm measuring your waist with this string so we can compare them and see that you actually suffer from body dysmorphia. We can do the same with your legs, arms, hips and whatever causes you distress.'

George nodded and he looked at the string, laying it down on the floor. He laid it down in a very big circle which made me realise he saw himself way fatter than he was. I was sure this wasn't the same for me, though.

George's father wrapped the other string around his waist and laid it down in the circle George laid down. His actual waist size was half as small as he expected it to be and he sighed softly. 'The dysmorphia sucks so much.'

His dad grabbed the strings again and looked at me. 'I want you to keep laying down, but can you tell me how big you think the circle will be?'

I nodded and grabbed it, making the circle even bigger than George made him at first. His dad laid it down on the floor and grabbed another string. I was pretty nervous when he measured my waist and then laid the actual size in my circle.

The actual size was three times as small as what I thought it was and I shook my head. 'You faked that!'

'Do it yourself,' George's dad smiled. He lifted me up from my bed and held me very tightly as I did the same thing as he did, laying it down again.

It was the same as when he did it and I looked at it with an open mouth as George's dad laid me back down in bed.

'I'm not thin like that, that's not true,' I whispered.

'That's what the anorexia is telling you, Clay. Anorexia is trying to kill you, but do you want that too?'

I shrugged. 'I don't know. I don't enjoy life and everyone hates me, but I'm also hoping that everything will get better someday. I start doubting it more and more now this feels so hopeless.'

'You need to start realising that you're really sick before anything will start getting better,' George smiled as he grabbed my hand. 'I'm recovering now and I'm already feeling better.'

'But I'm not sick,' I mumbled, looking at my hands. 'I actually don't think I have anorexia. People with anorexia are way sicker than me.'

'Anorexia doesn't have a look and with that, you are very sick. Clay, your heart beats extremely slow, your hair is falling out, you're severely underweight, you have a too low temperature, too low blood pressure, your blood sugar is too low, you have anaemia and you pass out, you don't eat anything or else you'll walk around for five hours. You're REALLY sick.'

'I threw up this morning,' I admitted with a very quiet voice. 'On purpose. I never did that before.'

'Throwing up is very unhealthy,' George told me. 'I have bad acid reflux and a lot of stomach and intestines problems. My blood counts were very bad as well and your body won't be able to deal with that.'

'What are the symptoms of anorexia?' I asked. 'I still don't believe that I have that, but I can look.'

'Alright,' George nodded. He sat down next to me in bed and noticed I was restless. He smiled at me as he grabbed his phone and gently pulled me closer to him.

I felt very relaxed in his arms and rested my head on his chest as I looked with him on his phone.

'The first symptom is extreme weight loss, not caused by a medical disease.'

I nodded slowly. 'I guess I did lose a lot of weight, but I think that's not because of anorexia.'

'Let's look further,' George answered. 'Tiredness, but insomnia.'

I shrugged. 'I'm very tired, but I don't have insomnia. I just don't sleep because I need to exercise. Sometimes I can't fall asleep because I'm thinking too much about exercising.'

I realised I had all the symptoms so far and he looked further.

'Dizziness and fainting, a weak feeling and low blood pressure.'

I didn't even talk anymore as he kept talking.

'Extreme cold, bluish nails. Hair loss, soft, downy hair growth on the chest, arms or back.'

I looked at my chest and arms as he continued. I started feeling a bit scared because I didn't want to believe it, but I had all these symptoms.

'Constipation, irregular heartbeat, no sexual interest.'

'George, I can't have anorexia,' I mumbled as he looked at me. 'These are just physical symptoms, they can come from anything.'

'What about this? People with anorexia severely restrict their food intake through dieting or even fasting. They are more likely to overexercise and to sometimes make themselves vomit to get rid of the food inside of them.'

'I don't think I'm that sick,' I sniffed. 'And I don't think I should recover either from nothing. I need to lose more weight, because my BMI is thirteen and that's so incredibly high.'

'My BMI is 20,5,' George answered. 'My dad's BMI is 22.'

'Is that too much? You don't look overweight at all, though.'

'It's healthy. Your BMI is extremely unhealthy and so low that you shouldn't be allowed to walk and you need to be fed all day to regain this weight.'

'I want to lose twenty more pounds at least. I would like to go to seventy pounds, but I think eighty is okay too.'

'It will never be good enough,' George answered. 'Even if you weigh fifty pounds, it's not enough for the anorexia's voice. It's only enough when you will die from it.'

'But I will be beautiful when I'm eighty pounds. Maybe my parents will love me again and then they might stop arguing!' I exclaimed with a hopeful face. 'Then it's safe at home again and my dad won't hurt me again!'

'Again?'

'He just hurts me sometimes, but that's not important. I just want them to love me again and I think they will love me when I'm eighty pounds.'

'I promise you that that's not how it works. If your dad abuses you, he won't stop with that when you're severely underweight. You need to be adopted by a family who can take care of you instead of losing loads of weight.'

'Will he never love me?' I whispered with a voice crack. 'I thought he was going to love me again.'

'I love you, Clay,' George's dad suddenly said as he ruffled my hair up. 'You don't need to be thin for your dad, your dad is supposed to love you whenever. If he abuses you, I'm here to be a dad to you and to love you.'

I smiled softly and held George tightly from happiness. I even forgot to move my legs and laid in silence, feeling very calm with George and his dad.

1217 words