Finally Free Again

8

Warnings:
-Forced feeding (pinned down by multiple people to insert a tube)

Clay's POV

The nurse came back and firstly attached me to a monitor which measured important things. Eventually she walked off again and came back with a tube as she started measuring it. I started screaming loudly and shook my head heavily so she was not going to be able to insert it.

I curled up and kept screaming which caused her to push me back. 'Clay, if you are not going to listen, we are bringing you to a room and we will hold you just as long as it takes for us to put this tube in your nose.'

'NO, YOU'RE DOING THIS ON PURPOSE TO MAKE ME FAT. I DON'T WANT A TUBE, I HATE YOU!'

I started kicking my legs and hid my face in my pillow while crying loudly. I had an IV in my hand and tried to pull it out as the nurse rolled me to my back and held my shoulders tightly. 'You're going to calm down right now or I will give you something to calm you down.'

'NO! SHUT UP, I DON'T WANT TUBE FEEDING. YOU'RE TERRIBLE!' I was screaming so loudly that my voice cracked. I kept kicking the back of my bed so hard that I heard it crack.

My dad started screaming at me and the nurse got mad. They made me even more scared that I cried very loudly, hitching a breath because I felt like dying. I turned myself to my stomach and hid myself as much as I could while I didn't know how to calm down anymore.

I just wanted someone who understood my battle, but everyone got mad at me and everyone was just yelling at me. I didn't want to starve myself, but I needed to. The voices were so strong and they made me so upset. I couldn't fight against them, I was nothing in comparison with the voices in my head.

I tried so hard to calm down and to stop fighting, but I couldn't. I needed to listen to the voices in my head, I needed to have control and I got that when I starved, exercised and listened to anything the voices said.

I kept crying and turned around. I looked at my father who started screaming at me again and he grabbed my shoulders, pinning me down on my bed. The nurse came closer with the tube and I looked away immediately as my dad grabbed my face too. He squeezed my cheeks very hard, I couldn't move anymore and started kicking around.

I noticed I lost all the trust I ever had in my dad as the nurse pushed the tube into my nose. I tried to push my dad away so I could get the tube out and he let go of my face as I scratched his skin.

I pulled my head away again and then the nurse pressed a button, laying the tube down again. I thought I was freed and relaxed my muscles as they both let go of me. I breathed out and curled myself up, happy that I won this first fight.

I started moving my legs as I stared at the ceiling and then heard footsteps inside of the room. One man and two women walked into the room and the nurse pointed to me.

'He's not listening and I need to get this tube in,' she told them.

'NO, I THOUGHT IT WAS DONE!' I screamed. 'DON'T, PLEASE!'

No one said anything to me, no one did an attempt to talk me through this or to calm me down. Instead, one of them held my legs, another held my arms and the others held the rest of my body and my face.

I started feeling very anxious since they held me so strongly and I wanted to kick them and scream, but I couldn't move a muscle anymore. It felt so traumatising and upsetting that I started crying as I felt the nurse push the tube into my nose again.

'It won't hurt,' she sighed as the tears stung in my eyes because of the pain.

I started losing more and more trust in anyone who was currently around me and I kept sobbing as they pushed the tube through my throat without telling me to swallow or drink water. I gagged which caused the nurse to scoff since the tube lifted up again.

She pushed it through my throat again and I gave up the fight which caused a complete chaos in my head. Tears streamed down my face as the tube was down into my stomach. The nurse grabbed a sticker and stuck it into my skin and the tube as they let go of me.

Most of the people left and my dad was glaring at me. My mother had tears in her eyes and hadn't said anything in hours now. My dad rolled his eyes at me.

'You're so stupid, Clay. Just eat, idiot. Don't make a scene and ask for attention like you always do!' he yelled out, getting so mad that he walked to the door and slammed it behind him. I was left with my mother and she just looked at me for a second.

Then she stood up and sat next to my bed, grabbing my hand as she smiled shortly. 'I love you,' she whispered.

I looked at her with a broken look in my eyes. 'Can you get me out of here, mom? We can go somewhere together without dad, I really want to get out of here. I don't think I need to be in the hospital, I can easily stay at home.'

'You're really sick, sweetheart,' she mumbled with a hoarse voice. 'You need to become a little bit stronger before going home. Your heartbeat is just thirty to forty, honey. You're in danger and I don't want to lose you.'

I didn't answer her, disappointed in her that she left me here too.

The door was opened again and my dad walked in again. He grabbed my mother's arm and pulled her with him, leaving me alone in the room again.

I curled up and bursted into tears again as everyone left me alone. No one understood my pain, they didn't even want to understand it.

1052 words