Step by step I continued until I fell on my knees right next to the armchair, reaching out my trembling hands to cup his freezing cold cheeks.
"Niall, please," I begged, trying to breathe as the sobs escaped from my lips, but the pain consuming me was honestly unbearable.
He just stared back at me, his blue eyes were much lighter than usual and so fucking empty. I didn't take care of him... it was just us and I failed.
This was my fault.
//
"Niall?" I called my brother's name, unable to open my eyes as if my eyelids had been glued shut, and the pressure on my chest got even worse.
I wasn't fully awake but I wasn't having a flashback anymore, I was in the grey area between dreams and reality... and my memories got tangled with imaginary scenarios, and it felt like I was dreaming while being completely aware it was a dream.
I saw a chessboard... Niall trying to teach me how to play but I'd always get mad when he won. I was a sore loser and I hated that my little brother would always win, but he was careful and I made impulsive decisions when it came to chess.
When it came to life itself.
But when I looked up to see Niall's face in front of me, he had the same gunshot wound in the middle of his forehead as he stared at me.
He kept talking as if nothing was wrong, explaining to me which should be my next move, but I could only stare as his scary and empty eyes looked into mine.
The dry blood on his face was still there, his pale skin looked a disgusting shade of grey and his teeth were all rotten... and I couldn't speak, I just stared at him while he kept talking about chess.
"You see, you have to pay attention to the board. You're too worried about me and what my next step would be, when you should be worried about yourself." He said, tapping his dark fingernails on the wooden table.
His voice sounded so fucking real... I had no idea where we were, but it looked like our grandparents' house back in Ireland. Maybe it was a mix of memories with my trauma, I gave up on trying to understand my brain.
This was beyond painful and each breath hurt as if I was burning alive, but there was no fire.
"Pay attention to your game, sis." He chuckled, his lifeless eyes were still staring at me as he didn't even blink. "You didn't pay attention to me before I died, just keep it up."
What?
The sudden words surprised me and I furrowed my eyebrows, trying to answer and talk back, but I couldn't. I felt like the walls around us were getting closer as the room got smaller, and the smell of rotten flesh just made me feel so fucking sick. My brother was decomposing right in front of me.
"You saw that I was nervous that day, didn't you? You knew I couldn't defend myself." This version of Niall kept talking, breaking me inside with each word. "This is your fault, sis. They got to me first because they knew I was an easy target. And you found me... gone forever and too late to be saved."
"Shut up." I managed to whisper, stuck on this damn chair as my lungs were being crushed by an invisible force.
And then the chessboard and the table between Niall and me were simply gone. He was sitting right in front of me now as our knees touched... he felt so fucking cold, Jesus fucking Christ.
This shouldn't feel real.
It was a dream.
"Mom always said you didn't care enough about us. You only wanted to be around dad... prove that you were the perfect daughter, learn how to fight so you could follow his footsteps, right?" Niall smiled, his rotten teeth were making the smell become even worse. "I bet you're feeling proud now... helping him and mom sell little girls without even knowing. Pathetic. I knew you wouldn't be there if I needed it. You wouldn't save me."
