Acceptance | Gay MxM |

39. Getting Nowhere

He let out a deep breath. "No. I... I just left. I didn't mean to, but I had to get away."

I nodded slowly. "So you... understand why I'm still afraid?"

He, too, nodded slowly. "So... We should talk about it?"

"I think so," I said and sat sideways on the couch to see him better. "But only if you're up for it. And maybe with Vaughn."

"Yeah... Yeah, you're probably right..."

I watched him closely. He didn't seem willing to talk about what happened, and I didn't know if I was doing right by asking him to.

"You don't like the idea," I finally said.

"No it's... You are right. We need to talk about it, because... well... I'm afraid too," he said quietly. "But... Do you mind if I talk to Vaughn alone before we talk to him together?"

"Oh? Of course I don't mind," I said, but that wasn't completely the truth. "Why?"

"Because..." he trailed off, looked away from me, sighed, and then looked back. "I don't have anything to hide from you, but... If you're there... I'll just... I don't want to hurt you or make you sad – far from it – so I... I want to... I..."

He let out another sigh, but a frustrated one this time. I carefully took his hand in mine, cursing myself for even asking him why.

"I understand," I said with a reassuring smile. "And of course you should talk to him alone first. He is the best to help you with processing what happened."

"I just don't want to see you hurt," he whispered.

"So if I'm there, you can't talk about it freely?" I guessed.

"Yeah... I really don't have anything to hide from you. I just... I want to understand," he said.

"Of course," I said as gently as I could, squeezing his hand.

"But I do want you there after that," he continued, seeming more relaxed now. "I hate what it did to you, and I regret it. I did not want to hurt you."

"Don't worry about me," I said quietly. "It scared the shit out of me, yeah, but I'm just glad you're safe now. I just... I want to know how I can keep you safe, you know? That's why I want us to talk with him together."

"What do you mean? I am safe with you."

I shook my head, hesitating to speak at first, but I wanted to be honest with him. "I can't relax around you," I whispered, and the pain was back in his eyes. "I'm afraid I'll do something that pushes you past your limits. I don't think either of us knows where your limits are, and what will make you feel uncomfortable."

He was silent, but he didn't turn to look away. He was thinking.

"I feel that I'm right," I said carefully.

"I think you are," he agreed. "It's just... yeah, you're right. I thought kissing you was fine, but I knew it wasn't, but it was, and..."

He ended up sighing again.

"We'll talk to Vaughn about it," I said with a smile. "He can help us."

"I know," he said, leaning back on the couch. "I have an appointment tomorrow..."

"We don't have to think about it now," I said. "We can decide when you're ready."

He stayed silent again, and so did I. He was in his thoughts, and I didn't want to disturb him. He still let me hold his hand, so I turned my focus on it. I did feel a bit calmer now, but it wasn't a big improvement. I couldn't stop thinking that I should let go of his hand. I couldn't stop thinking that this conversation would cause him to panic, especially after we talked about his past.