After getting away from his cruel father's tyranny, Randall has to learn how to live again, and accept the person he was meant to be - with a little help of a local bartender...
*****
An empty shell is all what is left of twenty-five-yea...
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-Cole-
I knew Randall was speaking the truth when he said he didn't mean to hurt me when he ran away. I knew he meant it when he said he was never going to do it again. I also believed him when he said he wanted to stay with me.
I trusted him. I trusted him completely, but that didn't mean I was sure he wouldn't run off again. I strongly believed he would do it again, and it scared the shit out of me. I couldn't sleep because I was so afraid he would try to leave again. I couldn't let him out of my sight because of that fear.
Because he couldn't control it. I understood it now. If he panicked, he would try to leave without even knowing what he was doing. He said he'd freaked out, just like he did that night when he tried to stab himself. On that same night, he had clawed the skin off his temples, and he hadn't even realized it, not until I started treating those wounds.
So, yes, I trusted him. I believed him. I knew he was telling the truth, but when he panicked, he wasn't himself anymore.
As we laid there on the couch, talking about the teenage boy Randall used to be before his father had found out he was gay, I couldn't quite enjoy the closeness. The fear was there at the back of my mind, forcing me to be cautious around him. I watched my every move and word so I wouldn't push his limits. I didn't even know where his limits were anymore. He seemed to enjoy being held. He used the word gay a lot. He kissed me so freely... If I tried to pull back, he seemed hurt.
Where were his limits? How could I tell when I was going too far?
It took me a while to understand he'd stopped talking. We just sat there in silence, wrapped in each other's arms. I was still searching for clues in his posture and expression, like my life depended on it.
I'd go crazy if we continued like this.
I removed my arms and sat up straight next to him, and I could see the pain in his eyes.
"Sorry, I just..." I muttered, taking a deep breath, and looked away from him. "Can we... talk about what happened?"
I was actually glad that he didn't answer right away. He took his time before he nodded slowly.
"I'd rather forget it ever happened, but..." he mumbled.
"I know, but I feel like we shouldn't pretend it never happened," I said truthfully. "Trust me, I tried to avoid a lot of things and that backfired horribly, so..."
He didn't say a word. He was already retreating back behind his walls.
"If you want, we could talk about it with Vaughn?" I suggested. "We don't have to do it now, and I'm sure Vaughn can lead the conversation, so we'll stay in the safe waters."
Again, he thought about my words. "Is there a reason you want to talk about it?"
"I'm still afraid," I breathed out. "I trust you, believe me, I do, but... If you could turn back time, would you do something differently? Would you still leave?"
