Acceptance | Gay MxM |

22. Feelings Are Complicated

"It's completely fine if you don't," Vaughn said just as calmly as ever.

"I don't know..." I muttered, placing my hands behind my head, feeling so much anxiety I was freaking myself out. "No. I don't."

"All right. Maybe we should take a small break," he continued. That was somewhat surprising since we never had breaks during my visits, but then again, I was not calm. "Are you able to breathe?"

"What kind of question is that?" I asked. "Yes, I can."

"You may be having a panic attack," he said so freakishly calmly I had to stop to stare at him.

"I'm not having a panic attack," I then grunted. "I'm just... I don't want to talk about it, all right?"

"Of course," he said, keeping an even closer eye on me than before. "I am sorry I asked."

"It's... It's... fine..." I muttered and sat back down. "I just..."

"We don't have to talk about it," he repeated kindly. "Only if you feel like it."

I glanced at the door. I could picture Cole sitting behind it, wasting his time on someone like me. The seats in the hallway were crappy, too. Still, he waited for me. For me.

"He said... He wants to make me happy," I finally murmured.

"I see. Do you want to talk about that?" he asked, but carefully this time.

"Isn't it the same thing as talking about how I feel about him?" I asked.

"Maybe," he said, smiling kindly. "We don't have to talk about feelings per se, just about what he said."

I rubbed my temples. "He's a good man..."

"He is," Vaughn agreed. "I've known him for years, and if my personal opinion matters, I think you are in good hands."

I nodded as well. "I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him."

"Here, as in...?"

"Here, talking to you. I'd be drinking beer in my apartment right now if I never met him," I said. "Work, working out, TV and alcohol... Same thing every single day..."

"I'm assuming that's no longer what you want," Vaughn spoke.

"It's not," I said quietly, peering at the door again. I was silent for a moment, and so was he. Then I turned to look at him. "I've... never liked anyone. I had a girlfriend, but... She was just for show. To get my dad off my back."

Why was I talking about this? I didn't have any feelings! I... I didn't... I did, but I didn't want them.

"I don't know what to think," I mumbled. "It's so... so..."

"Feelings are complicated," Vaughn said. "They are hard to understand sometimes, and they can be frightening."

"I'm not scared," I hurried to say before I could stop myself.

"I meant that in general," he said with a smile. "I believe there are moments in everyone's life when feelings are confusing, even scary. It doesn't have to be romantic feelings. Just feelings in general."

"Well, I don't know how I'm feeling," I sighed and leaned back. "I just want this to be over... I don't want to be like this."

"That will take some time. While you were growing up, you missed out on normal, healthy interactions with other people on top of the traumatic events your parental figure put you through, which is now making social interactions more difficult for you."

"So I'll be a freak for the rest of my life..." I mumbled.

"No..." He smiled again. "You are talking to me quite freely today. Your social skills are growing, and since you are staying with Cole for the time being, you are getting a lot of experience in social interactions."