Numb ---- Suicidal Todoroki x Bakugo----[BOOK 1]

41 - Nothing

*probably much more triggering than previous cutting scenes in chapters so yeah, I'm sorry I was just in a bad mood today*

Todoroki's POV:

We laid there for awhile, but I couldn't sleep.

Probably the drugs

I sat up in frustration, dizziness washing over. I sighed and looked over, Bakugo was asleep. I looked down at my hands resting in my lap, shaking badly.

Maybe I took a few too many...

Or maybe I need to take more...

I got up and walked to the bathroom, turning the light on and staring in the mirror.

No...

I've been here before...

Last time I did this I ended up in the hospital...

I opened the cabinet and rummaged through it for a minute frantically.

I stopped.

Better idea...

I looked out the door. Bakugo was still asleep.

I closed the door gently and took my phone out of my pocket, taking the phone case off of it and hearing a blade clatter to the ground. I cringed at the noise, but heard nothing from outside the door in response.

I picked it up and sat down on the floor, my back against the wall. I rolled up my sleeves and unwrapped the bandages, seeing my arm for the first time since earlier. My cuts were practically gone, and the ones that remained we're cleaned properly and not near as deep as they had once been.

She must've healed me as much as she could

Weird

I figured I'd be more tired

Guess it's the drugs

I held the blade up to my arm and shakily sliced across it, expecting to feel relief like I normally would.

I felt nothing.

I watched in horror as blood poured down my arm, and for the first time it didn't fix anything.

Why don't I feel anything?

I sliced again, this time deeper and slower. It didn't hurt. I wasn't relieved at all. It didn't help me at all.

Maybe I just need to cut more

Really let loose

I sliced again, slowly and deeply, trying to cherish it as much as I could, but I was completely unaffected by it. I sliced again, this time vertically. Deeper than before, overlapping with the previous cuts.

Nothing.

I cut again, diagonally, making the other cuts bleed more than they had been before.

Nothing.

I cut the other side of my arm, over and over again in all directions.

Nothing.

I went back to the other side and began slicing, over and over and over again.

Nothing.

Maybe I should go slower.

I looked down at my arm.

Damnit. No room.

I turned to my other arm, switching the blade to the other hand.

An almost clean slate

I started at the very top of my wrist, almost the palm of my hand, and pressed down as hard as I could, dragging vertically down my arm slowly and carefully. I watched in satisfaction as blood gushed out of my wrist, a dark crimson red--almost black but not quite dark enough.

This is just the bony part of my wrist

Then once this is done, I can cut horizontally and diagonally over it

Then I'll really feel something

I pushed down deeper and blood dripped to the floor. Once I made it to the end of my forearm, I removed the blade from my skin and wiped it off with my fingertips, but that just made it more bloody.

I looked down at the cut and smiled a bit.

Now I just have to add the last few and then I'll go to bed

After I clean all this up of course

I looked at my left arm and then the right.

I'll just make them match.

I guess I'll start with the left

Since I'm right handed of course

It only makes sense

I switched the blade to my right hand again, feeling more in control than before. I once again started at the top, and slowly made my way down my arm, overlapping with the previous cuts, watching as blood cascaded down my arm.

I stared at it for a solid thirty seconds, just watching as it dripped from my wounds, to my fingertips, to the cracks in the tile.

I put the blade in my other hand again, and turned to my right arm. I closed my eyes and sliced at my arm in all directions. I felt blood splatter on my face, but I didn't care.

I opened my eyes and looked at the damage I'd inflicted.

Dozens of cuts on my arm gushed blood, making it difficult to actually see the full result of what I'd done.

I heard a small noise from outside, startling me a bit. I froze. It was likely just the sound of him rolling over or something, but I couldn't tell. It was then I noticed my ears were ringing and my arms were practically limp in my lap. I snapped out of it.

I dropped the blades and my hands began to shake. I held out my arms in front of me and it dawned on my how much blood I was actually losing at an alarming rate.

I felt myself start to panic.

What am I doing?

I looked around frantically, as if I would suddenly find a miraculous way out of this situation.

I need help...

I might actually die...

Shit...

Shit...

What did I do...

Fuck...

I tried to speak, but no words came out. I grabbed my phone from my pocket and scrolled through my contacts clumsily. I clicked Bakugo's name and dropped the phone, my arm going limp. I waited for a second, and heard his phone ringing outside the door.

I heard him get up immediately and pick up.

"Todoroki? Are you ok? Where are you?" I heard him faintly from my phone, but mainly from outside the door. "Todoroki please I need you to tell me where you are right now."

I shakily reached over and knocked on the bathroom door softly. He hung up, and not a second later the door flung open.