Merder getting to know each other

Depressed

I left Derek's office and went into another surgery. I finished and went up to daycare. I talked to Henry's mom and we set up a play date for Bella and Henry. I held Bella around my waist and the boys were in front of me. We went to Derek's office and I walked in. I put Bella down and the kids ran to him. He started smiling to them and moved his chair back

"Hey guys how was daycare" he smiled picking Beckham up

He sat him onto his lap

"It was fun" Bailey said

"Yaaaa" Bella yelled jumping up and down.

"Are you guys ready to go home" Derek smiled

They all nodded. He got up and held Bella and Beckham around his waist. I grabbed Bailey's hand and brought him out of the office. We left the hospital and went into the car. We put the kids into their car seats and got into the front.

"You look really hot in scrubs. I've missed seeing you wear them" I said tearing up

He sighed and looked at me. He put his hand onto my cheek and wiped my tear away

"It's my pregnancy hormones" I cried

"No it's not. I remember the difference" he sighed tearing up

We looked into each other's eyes and he held my hand

"Mommy why are you sad" Bailey said concerned

I looked back at him

"I haven't been feeling good today you don't have to worry sweetie" I said as I looked back at Derek

"Do you want to talk about it" he asked

"When the kids are asleep" I said as I squeezed his hand

"I understand" he nodded

We drove home and I brought the kids in. Derek and I fed them and changed them. We put them down for their naps and went downstairs. We sat at the dining room table, sitting across from each other.

"So you've been thinking more about my disappearance" he asked

"Yes I'm scared every time you pull out of this driveway Derek" I cried

"Everything's okay. I'm right here" he said

"It's not that. It's just that you abandoned us when I needed you the most. You lied about my son" I said as I started to get angry 

"I did it for you and our son's safety as well as mine and I will never make the mistake without telling you anywhere I go. Hopefully this never happens again. I really do care about you Meredith. I want the best for you" he said reaching out and grabbed my hand

He rubbed the top of my hand with his thumb.

"If you want the best for me you should leave" I said tearing up

"Meredith don't do this" he said tearing up and letting go of my hand

"Please go. I can't look at you right now" I said

"Meredith" he said as a tear fell down his face

I got up and went to the stairs as I sobbed. I cried as I walked upstairs into my room. I laid down on the bed and kept crying until I passed out from the lack of water. I woke up however long later and turned over. I kicked Derek out. What is wrong with me? We've been trying so hard to make this work but I can't get over him leaving. It was so hard to grieve him because of the kids. I had to be strong for them and they had to grow up without their father. I sat up and got very dizzy. I needed water. I went to the sink and drank some water from the faucet. I wiped my face and looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes were puffy and my nose was red. I went over to the bedroom door and opened it. I walked out and went downstairs. Derek wasn't here. I looked through the window and his car wasn't here. It was dark outside. I went back upstairs and went into my room. His stuff was gone. I ran to the kids room. None of them were there. I started freaking out and hyperventilating. I quickly grabbed my phone and called Derek. He picked up

"The kids are missing. They- they were kidnapped I- I" I cried as I stuttered to say words

"Meredith I have them" he said

"Why" I cried

"I'm staying at Mark's. I'll bring the kids back tomorrow. They are fine so don't worry. You need to get some rest" he said hanging up the phone

I went into baileys room and laid on his bed. I grabbed his blanket and pulled it over my body. It smelled like him and I kept smelling it. My babies are gone. I don't know what to do without them. I kept crying and fell asleep again. I woke up the next morning and turned over as I realized where I was. I sat up in Bailey's bed. I grabbed his sheets and replaced them with new ones. I slowly walked out of the room and went downstairs. I couldn't eat or sleep. I literally didn't know what to do. My life feels like it's over. I sat on the couch and started to think more about when Derek was gone. It took so long for the kids to adapt to their new life and with the baby coming right before Christmas. With the miscarriage and everything, it was so complicated. I finally found a guy who helped me through this and we helped each other for each of our losses. The kids loved him and I- do I blame myself for dating another man. I cheated on my husband. I freaking cheated on my husband. How could I not understand this. It wasn't intentional but I feel guilty because of it. I don't even know how he feels about this. I- I went black and my back hit something. All the flashbacks were coming to me. The night by the lake with Derek was so vivid. It was like I was there all over again. He was so nice and caring. That was when I knew that I was in love with him. He was so caring after we had sex for the first time. It was so amazing. The award ceremony when we kissed in the supply closet is unforgettable. I was so drink and kept asking him to have sex with me. I was so horny and drunk but he never did have sec with me then. He wiped my make up away. I am so lucky to have him- I slowly started to open my eyes. Derek was on top of me and I smiled at him.

"Hey you were out for a long time" he said spreading a wash cloth over my forehead

I sat up

"Don't sit up so quick" he said

He was sitting on his knees

"What happened" I asked

"I came home and you were laying on the ground passed out. I thought you were dead but you aren't so that's all that matters" he said

"The kids" I said frantically looking around

"They were scared because they saw there mommy passed out but they are taking a nap right now" he said grabbing a bag

"You don't have to but I talked to a pharmacist that works with pregnancies and she gave me these" he said taking out a pill bottle

I grabbed them

"They help with different types of depression" he said

"I'm not depressed" I said

"Yes you are. I've worked with a bunch of people with diagnosed depression. I know you and I know your body. You aren't okay and I'm here for you. I told you that I'm not leaving. I just needed you to relax and take the stress off of your body but it's a lot for you" he sighed taking my hand

"You don't have to take them but at least try and stay healthy. You look so weak" he said hugging me.

I hugged him back and he put his hand onto the back of my hair as he pushed my face into his chest. I started crying.

Meredith with the pre depression 😥😔