✍🏻 Little Matchmaker

37 - Saranghae

Yuzuru

I watched the golden light shimmering across her naked back while she slept next to me and thanked the sun for shining bright this morning.
I scooted closer than I already was and let the very tip of my finger lightly trace the individual lines where the sunbeams were dancing over her skin through the half-open curtain.

I was drunk with all the feelings I had towards her, my foolish love was just one of many. I felt like a sailor who spent months on the open sea and finally, his feet had firm ground underneath, the smell of flowers, listening to the rustling of the trees; all the normal things that one appreciates only once deprived of it and now I was drinking it all in like that poor sailor.
All thanks to her.

I leaned down, placing several feathery kisses on her arm and chuckling at her obliviousness of what she was doing to me, but hoping that my happiness would be contagious enough once she wakes up. I wanted her to be as happy as I was at that moment, even though I was very well aware it was only a small battle that I have won.
The main war that would decide it all was still ahead and usually, my chest tightened anytime I thought of it, but not now.
Now I was simply and utterly happy and even the fear of her not loving me back was merely a small grain in the vast desert of my troubles, absolutely insignificant in a peaceful moment like this.

She rolled on her back and I lifted my hand, waiting for her to settle in whatever position her dreams wanted her to, and once done, I pulled the blanket over her, resting my head on her shoulder and my arm over her stomach.
Her hands instinctively wrapped around me and I slid mine up to her chest, noting that her heartbeat is still steady and calm, deep in sleep.

I didn't expect her to wake up anytime soon, given what we did last night left us both completely spent but I could not help wondering if she would be up for more once awake. I so badly wanted to have her like that, bathing in the sunlight with her, watching it reflect on her skin while listening to her gasps and moans.

"Yuzu," she mumbled and I once more focused on my palm against her heart, noting that it was her dream talking as her heartbeat was still steady and shallow.

"Saranghae," I whispered in return, another sense of relief going through me that I was finally able to say it. I told her that I loved her so many times last night, unable to hold it back for any longer. Choosing to say it in a language I hoped she did not understand.
Because the last thing I needed now was to scare her away with that, yet I could not keep it buried inside me when I had her gathered in my arms last night.
Luckily she indeed didn't know what it means and now I could say it anytime I needed to get it off my chest without her pulling away from me.

I knew it would be way too soon for her to face her own emotions, even though she clearly had deep feelings for me too.
No matter how much she tried to ignore or deny it, whatever was between us was very far from being just friends with benefits. All the tenderness and affection she was showing me was not something one does with just a friend as much as she wanted to believe it.
I knew it and she must have known it deep down inside too, but then if I would make her face it now, I was sure her sense and reason would push me away.

Because as I learned, being in love was not enough for her. She wanted a perfect match and I was nowhere near that. Quite the opposite. Everything about my life was exactly what she did not want.
If I would be just a random guy from Canada she would not hesitate to be with me.
If I would be a famous American actor, she would be careful but in the end, would go for it.
If I would be a semi-successful, Japanese businessman, she would be wary of a relationship with me but very probably sooner or later would give in if her feelings were strong enough.

But I was me and she was her. I was everything she did not want.

I was the worst possible version of a man she could fall for.