His Broken Submissive : Mercy

6 Ready

"It's embarrassing," I mumble, unable to look her in the eyes.

"Izzy I would never want you to talk about something you don't want to, but I would like to help you if you want?" She offers with a kind smile. "Believe me when I say there is nothing you can tell me that would make me think any less of you."

I chew on my bottom lip while I consider her offer. Although Anne never mentioned a name, she offered to cover therapy after my attack but I didn't want it. I know now I was spiralling down, struggling to keep above water as it felt like my life crashed and burned around me, but that was then, and this is now.

Now I have a safe place to call home, endless support from Jonathan, Anne and the rest of my friends... maybe I should give it a shot?

"What we talk about... would it just be between us?" I ask, seriously considering the idea.

"Absolutely," she assures me, nodding to drive the point home. "Any of our conversations are privileged. Not even Jonathan will know anything you don't want him to."

I nod, taking comfort in her discretion. Not that I want to hide things from Jonathan, but I feel like I need to understand myself better before I try and explain it to him.

"So how does this work?"

"Therapy isn't a prison sentence Izzy," she says with a laugh. "I can see you tensing up. We just talk and together we work through whatever is bothering you."

"What if I can't be fixed?" I choke out. The thought of always being so fragile is nauseating.

"We're all works in progress," she counters and takes a sip of pop. "Not that I think you're in any way broken, but let me ask you this. What happens if you get fixed?"

Her keen gaze pins me in place as I consider her question. I hadn't thought about what if I was better, I've only ever dwelled on what's wrong with me.

"You don't know hmm?" She asks with a knowing smile. "That's okay. A big part of this is figuring out how your mind works because we all process things differently. I want to help you achieve your goals."

"I want to be happy," I blurt out. "I don't want to be afraid anymore... I don't want to freak out when he touches me sometimes... I want to be able to give myself over fully... to surrender once more."

"That's a good goal," she agrees. "Sounds like you've already given it some thought."

I nod. I've been thinking about what happened and what I want in life ever since Jonathan brought it up in the beginning. Before him, I was too busy surviving. For the first time possibly ever I feel more in control like I could make a life now.

"Do you know what triggers are?" Marilyn asks as we pick away at lunch.

"Not really," I admit.

"Triggers are very personal. What may upset one person may not affect another with similar trauma. It can be words, scents, objects, anything that triggers unwanted memories to surface."

My eyes widen as she describes them and memories of going through the trunk with Jonathan surface. I remember him quickly throwing the ball gags out, saying it wasn't worth upsetting me.

"You're thinking about one," she comments, no doubt reading my expression.

I nod and take a long sip, trying to quench my parched throat. "I... I was attacked, at the old club," I whisper.

"I'm sorry that happened to you. Anne spared me the details but told me, hoping I could help," she trails off.

"I wasn't ready," I admit.

"My offer didn't have an expiry date," she replies with a warm smile.

"Thank you. I think I may be now?" I mumble, not fully convinced.

"Good. So tell me about what you were thinking about," she presses on.

"Ball gags... Jonathan was showing me some of his stuff and when I saw his, they made my skin crawl." Just the memory is enough to make me shudder. "I can see other people wearing them, but the thought of using one myself still sends my heart racing."

"I'll assume one was used in your assault?" She asks, her voice soft and gentle. I can only nod not trusting myself to speak.

"It's perfectly natural to have triggers after experiencing something that traumatic," Marilyn assures me. "And what did Jonathan do when he saw your reaction?"

"He threw them away like they were nothing." I smile slightly remembering how he reassured me that my comfort was key. "How do I get over being afraid of them?"

"It's a process," she replies. "But I can teach you some coping mechanisms, and we can do some exercises as you get more comfortable."

"So it's not a lost cause?" I whisper, feeling a sliver of hope bloom I'm my heart.

Marilyn smiles and shakes her head. "Not in the slightest."