ILL HEARTS

22

Eunbi, 27th May 2019

I pushed him out of my mind, I didn't think about him, I didn't want to have anything to do with him. I was stupid to believe I could be that important to someone. He hurt me, but it was my fault that I let him. That I thought someone could genuinely love me.

It was so hard to get him out of my head, and even harder out of my heart. All he did made my heart swell, but he only tried so hard to fulfill his stupid plan. How could someone be so heartless? What did I ever do to him? Was me being kind really that annoying?

I hated everything. Myself, him, the world, my life. I didn't want to do anything. Once he was the one to blame, then it was me, then I didn't know what to think about it anymore. I spent the entire weekend in my bed, questioning everything I thought about Jungkook, about myself. I didn't know what was real anymore.

It would be so much easier to just weed it all out of my mind. Forget about those stupid dates, about the times he was there for me when even I didn't. I had no business remembering it, it was all an act anyways. Forgetting I was in love with him was the only way to survive.

Coming to college had never been so hard before, knowing he was going to be there every time. I wanted him to disappear, and I wanted to disappear myself. Everything was just not right. I wore those stupid hair pins from him because I had no guts to throw them away. They meant to much too me. And the tattoo that was supposed to bring back the good memories was like putting my arm into flames. But I didn't think of getting rid of it even once.

This sports class was a disturbing déjà vu. Asshole Jungkook was back, since he didn't have a plan to fulfill. And I tried to keep my eyes away from him, so he wouldn't see how I couldn't deal with myself.

We played volleyball, again, and my teacher didn't find an issue in putting me into the team of giants. Four guys and one girl, all way beyond 5'7. And my mere 4'11 ass was trembling from the moment I walked behind the net.

For the most part, I had nothing to do, as overly ambitious volleyball players took every ball, every serve and every strike. I couldn't focus anyways, busy with not thinking that he was sitting on the bench two meters away from me.

And then the nightmare began. For the first time during the whole game I had a chance to pass the ball. I touched it, but too late, missing what turned out to be a chance to win. I couldn't care less, and my teammates weren't phased by the loss. Most of them, at least.

"Why am I in a team with this dwarf?" one guy, a transfer student from Canada, Johnny, asked, pinching his nose bridge. I pursed my lips together, looking down, acting like I didn't hear. "Hey, you. Can you wake up and do something? You don't do anything and then you miss the ball," he said to me, and I took a step back when he walked closer. "Use those short legs to move a little, would you?"

I was about to apologize for being short, and then I realized how ridiculous it was. Not only my urge to apologize for something I couldn't control, but the fact that he was talking to me like that, considering the amount of times I helped him during an exam season.

As much as I didn't want to, I glanced back when I felt someone's eyes on me. Jungkook was looking, ready to stand up from the bench, but, two seconds after our eyes met, he looked down and leaned back.

He was there to stand up for me before, and he showed me why it was important to stand up for myself, but it was time to finally take care of myself.

"I didn't ask to be in your team. And it's not my fault that I'm short. Use your giant body more if you're that unsatisfied with me," I said, standing tall with my arms crossed on my chest. It was the first time I talked back to someone, the first time people saw me reacting, and not only receiving shit.

"Excuse me, are you talking to me?" he asked, stepping even closer to me.

"Yes. I am. What are you, fifteen? It's just a stupid college sports class. Why do you feel the need to be an asshole to me for no significant reason?"

He didn't say anything, staring at me like he thought I was going to back away. I wasn't backing away anymore. I wasn't going to let people walk over me. I deserved better. And I hated the fact that it was Jungkook who taught me that.

"Fine, dwarf." He rolled his eyes, turning around to leave, but I was not done.

"Don't call me like that."

He raised his eyebrows and chuckled, like I was joking. I wasn't. I was tired of being mistreated just because I was too kind. Just don't be so kind to everyone, Eunbi.

"Okay, okay. Sorry," he mumbled, realizing I was serious. "We can change players if you want to."

"Thank you. Yes, let's change players."

I left the pitch without apologizing to anyone for making a fuss, like I used to do when we argued with Jungkook. Obviously, the only free spot was next to him, but he stood up and walked to the other side after realizing it. It fucking hurt, but I had to keep acting like I was happy with it. I made it look like I didn't want to even breath the same air.

I slid between a girl and a guy I shared most of the classes with, and, before I could get lost in my thoughts, the girl spoke to me. "I really love your tattoos," she said, smiling.

I smiled back. I loved my tattoos, too, and I was proud to show them off. "Thanks, I drew them. They are from Creation of Adam."

"You drew them? Really? They are amazing. I love your style so much. I remember you presenting sketches some time ago."

"Thank you."

It didn't hurt as much to receive a little bit of attention. It was me. Tattoos, drawings, even my 4'11 ass. It was me, Eunbi, and no one had the power to shut me down again. I was proud of myself. Maybe not fully, maybe I still struggled, but I was never going back to hiding myself from people, to making myself small to make others comfortable. And I was surely not going back to letting assholes disrespect me.

Why did he show me all of this to break me apart? I couldn't understand this. Why did he try so hard if it was all just a plan? Besides all the things straight from a rom-com, there were moments he acted like no one but my best friend. If he wanted to make me fall for him, he would do some cheap things like cinema and flowers. He had other things to do, but he spent so much time not only trying to make me fall in love, but helping me become a better person.

I couldn't stop thinking about it. I couldn't let it go, let him go. Because it didn't sit right with me that I was right.

I leaned forward, acting like I was watching the game, when, in fact, I glanced towards Jungkook. Maybe I overreacted. Maybe I should have let him explain whatever he had to say. But what if I was right, and all he wanted was to hurt me? If I tried to fix it, I would be walking myself into the hungry lion's cage.

Or maybe I wouldn't be.