ILL HEARTS

12

Jungkook ~ April 11, 2019

I made a list. I sat in my room the night before, imagined all sorts of things that would fit my plan, went through three different lists of 'romantic' and 'kind' things to do for a girl, and put down a few ideas to keep going. I wasn't sure if she'd fall for me, but we were becoming friends. And if I wanted us to grow closer, I needed her to trust me and show her that I cared.

I did, really. From the moment I realized she was the last target for her kindness. Also, because people caught up on the fact that she was able to drop everything and help them, and they used it for their advantage. I didn't like it. I didn't like how everyone thought they could exploit her just because she was too good to say 'no', or to call them out.

I just cared for her, cared to make her feel good, and cared to make her realize she should treat herself better. She didn't deserve any less.

I skipped the first class after oversleeping, and strode down the hall before the history of literature period. Nothing fun, but I was going to grab a spot next to Eunbi to listen to her talk about her favorite romance novels. She did it in every literature class, pulling me by a sleeve to the desk next to hers, as she finally had someone to listen to her. I did, still diving deeper into the world of books. Sometimes I even threw my two cents, when she spoke about a book I knew or saw a movie adaptation of. And listening to her go on about books like they were all that existed in the world was making me smile at the thought of it.

I turned into the hall I was supposed to be in, and paused seeing Eunbi at one of the tables by the window. I smiled at the sight of her, but dropped it even quicker as the state of her was not as fine as it should be. Rolled in a big, thick hoodie, she wrapped her arms around her chest, scrolling through her phone to pass the time. She sneezed into her sleeve once, hugging herself even tighter. Getting sick in April wasn't easy, and it was obvious she neglected her health.

I wasn't an asshole my whole life, I knew how to take care of someone. I'd done this before.

When I took the first step towards her, my other foot froze to the ground. I snapped back to reality, like I'd been up in space for the past one and a half months. I'd done that. I'd done that and I knew the ending. I paused to ask myself what the fuck I was doing. It was going to come back at me. Nothing good could come out of this, of taking care of her. Anyone. Then, and ever.

With a heavy heart, I convinced myself someone would notice and help her. She was friendly, someone would definitely react. Someone else would help her, but it couldn't be me. I pulled my foot back, one more step, and I walked in another direction. Far away from trouble.

I fled like a coward, but what else was I supposed to do? Drag myself through hell I'd already been to? Fool myself again just because I fell into the stupid trap of caring about someone?

I came to class late so that I could sit somewhere else. She didn't look at the door when I walked in, probably thinking I wasn't going to be at college at all. I was in the last row, at the very back next to the wall, trying to act like I didn't care. As soon as I stole a glance, I moved my eyes to the window, to fool myself that I didn't want to help her.

I couldn't. Nothing good ever came from being good to others.

I was sure someone was going to help her, but no one cared. I lied to myself again. She was clear when saying no one gave back, no one paid attention. I didn't know it was that severe. She was sick, sneezing and pressing her temples with her fingers, and everyone ignored it. Not even a single person came to ask if she was okay. All of those people who always asked for help, all of them acted like she wasn't there.

In the middle of the class, when the teacher called for a break, someone even came to her to ask for help with his assignment. And it was enough.

I didn't want to do it, but if I didn't, no one else would. And I couldn't look at her struggling like that. I was Jeon Jungkook, I couldn't be a fucking coward.