ILL HEARTS

16

Jungkook ~ April 29, 2019

If someone told me two months earlier that I'd be writing a letter, I'd punch them. But there I was, on my couch, music quiet from the TV, writing a letter. Scribbling all over the page in between aggressive sips of red wine, only to scratch it, throw it away, and start anew – I called it writing a letter. I wasn't sure if I was writing this for myself, or if I'd actually give it to her, but I needed to write it all down. I needed to write down the whole truth, with a tint of what I was feeling.

The last practice, with Eunbi and sudden appearance of Yuju, scratched a part of me I never thought I'd bring back. A part of a hopeless romantic who was ready to jump into fire for that one, most important person. Back then it was Yuju, when I thought we were meant to be forever. But she wasn't the one who deserved my hopeless romantic. She wasn't someone who appreciated unconditional love when presented to her on a plate, so there was no point in me trying ever again. I wouldn't want to, knowing there was someone else I could pour all my love out to, and not have my heart crushed with bare hands again.

The past was a mistake, maybe a lesson, and, in a way, a path to meet Eunbi. Maybe if I didn't become an asshole, we'd never become what we were.

I wrote a letter, but there was no way I was giving it to her. Not yet. I knew, when putting words on the paper, that it'd take me weeks, maybe months, to let her read it. It was too early and I wasn't confident enough. I wanted to ensure she knew how much she mattered to me, before bringing up the non-existent anymore plan that brought us where we were.

I carried it with myself to college the next day, just in case I was going to change my mind. There was another romantic thing on my to-do list, purely romantic, as I wanted to shift my plan in the new direction. When she came after me to the locker room back then, it was enough to claim our friendship. It was obvious we were friends, and any traces of hate were wiped out after the most honest conversation I, and we, had ever had.

But friendship was not the highest we could go.

"Hey, Pearls." I leaned against the window stall next to Eunbi, pulling her out of her phone. "What are you doing?"

"I need to order new sketchbooks. I've been drawing this morning and I'm running out of place."

"If you're ever planning to give me a gift, it can be one of your sketchbooks. Just saying."

"Like I'll give you my baby." She chuckled. "You can watch them at my place, but they are not leaving my room."

"So they are that important to you?" I smiled. Seeing her passionate about anything was pure joy for me.

"More than my family."

I clutched onto my bag, remembering the goddamn letter hanging out between some notebooks. I could slip it into her bag, or put it in her hand and run. I could just leave it there, and not say anything. I pondered over it for a few moments, but gave up. Not yet.

"Oh, I've got a surprise for you. Actually, two surprises," I said, ditching any thoughts about the letter for now.

"Two surprises on a Tuesday morning? What a blessing." Eunbi locked her phone, hiding it in her pocket, and turned to me. Her eyes on me were suddenly turning me into a cooked noodle, warm and soft, unable to keep my composure.

"I was out on Saturday, doing something that I'll show you later, but I stepped into a cool store and I found something," I said, digging into the left pocket of my pants. "It reminded me of you so I thought I'd give it to you," I added, fishing out a keychain with a Nemo and a metal circle with 'just keep swimming' engraved on it.

"Oh my God." She giggled, catching it between her fingers. "I love it. You should've gotten two, we would be matching."

For an answer, I pulled out my car key with a new Nemo keychain. "We are matching, Pearls."