Parineeta

I'm Sorry!

"no.. I know... A part of me really hated myself for whatever was happening.. whatever I was doing to you but it seemed like I was losing control over it.. over myself.. I did not want to give you false hopes but I didn't even wanna let you go... And the thought of you and Aryaman together in your near future pissed me off.. I used to get jealous when you used to show up at college on his bike.. and then you guys became a team... At every competition... You used to sing duets with him and I used to feel like I could snap his head off his body.. Nandini I don't know... I know that I was wrong... About everything... Making you feel like you didn't matter.. holding on to you.. and even letting you go... But I just couldn't connect myself back to my feelings... And when I felt that you finally were drifting away from me I tried to hold on tighter and that's when Maddy re-entered with Navya... I mean I'm not saying that it would've been different.. I would've felt different... Or things would've changed between us if he hadn't come back.. but when he did.. it was almost like he was never gone... you and him.. and Aryaman ofcourse it felt like our version of Vampire Diaries... Both of them flirting with you... I just... It just..."he pursed his lips together annoyed at his inability to explain how he felt but it felt like I was stuck to the TVD part of his speech. Did he just compare my life to a TV series? Damn was it so dramatic.
I looked at him unable to understand why he felt so adorable in that moment but he did and all I could do was gaze at him while he held myself laughing out in his face when he mentioned the series.
"And then that day... It all just felt like the universe was working against me.. I don't know... I don't even know if I call it against.. or for me... The fact that nobody ever has to work against me for ruining something precious to me because I do it myself... All I should call it was a chance that universe threw at me to understand my feelings.. give us a chance... But it probably was the wrong time... That day in college when Harshad brought up that video in front of the whole college..."
"I know.."I muttered. That was one memory I didn't want him to relive because if anything I still was empathetic at how anybody would feel in such situations. The anger, the embarrassment, the rage, I understood it all. More than anything I knew Manik and I understood how and what he must've felt.
"You know?"he asked and I nodded remembering that he didn't know that I and Cabir had had a long conversation over it.
"Cabir told me about the video.."I left it hanging, making him guess if I knew the whole thing or just the abiut video. He continued nonetheless.
"Yeah the video... The video where I was making fun of cliche proposals with Dhruv... Harshad used that video... to pull me down in front of everyone.. to embarrass me.. and as much as it didn't bother me.. really.. it did hurt my ego.. the questions in people's eyes threatened my position of power and... My luck.. you weren't there at college that day... All of it just sucked... I made an irrational decision.. I acted impulsively... What's new... Isn't that what I always did..."he spoke and I looked away not knowing how to respond because I didn't want to throw it at him at the point where he was already in self deprication.
"I was blind sided and all I could see was mockery in people's eyes.. I didn't know how to react... My first thought was to snap Harshad's head off, beat him to his death but I knew that wasn't going to answer the questions that the whole college had in their heads.. it wouldn't be answered until they've found a convincing answer... Something that's believable... I had really so wished for you to somehow just come around but you weren't... And i..." he paused as he replayed the day in his head again.
"I took Alya's name.. uske baad things only went down... The wedding for the merger... Everything it all just got worse... You turned cold after I told you about the marriage and it hurt me... But I thought it would get better after we got married but it didn't... Infact we drifted further away... I tried to make myself believe that whatever I had with Alya was real... And right... But it never felt that way... And then on the first night... I heard you and Aryaman talking about getting married after our marriage ended... The contract... It stuck Nandu... Tum puchti thi na... Why don't I just let you go if I don't feel anything... If there was nothing between us... Yes.. we could've ended things just then.. because problems harr shaadi mei hoti hai... But humare beech problems hui hi nai... We never had the problems that husband and wife have... We had problems that two people forced to stay together have... And as much as I felt that I didn't feel anything for you... I knew I didn't want to let you go... I wanted you to be mine... The rush that I used to feel when I used to address you as my wife was so overwhelming for me that I just wanted to keep feeling that way... And when that night I heard you talk to Aryaman and the way you guys decided that you'd get married and have kids and... And.. you were discussing the names... It got to me... I hated every moment of the thought that you might ve somebody else's a wife someday if we didn't work... So a part of me really wanted us to work... I didn't know how... I didn't know why but I did... And I know it all sounds stupid... Irrational.. and toxic... And I'm not denying it.. I'm extremely sorry for being part of the most toxic phase of your life... I let my confused self be your problem when you shouldn't have had to deal with me.. you didn't deserve it... You deserved someone like Aryaman... Who was certain about you..  who was sure about how much he loved you... But I just couldn't... And then that day... When you abruptly mentioned that you'd seen Maddy in a towel... That you were in his room... I felt uncomfortable.. with the thought of you and him.. in a room.." I was surprised at how he remembered everything. All the reasons why he ever fought with me. Why he questioned me and when we drifted away. I was trying hard not to adore this side of his but the more he admitted his mistakes and accepted his toxicity the more I appreciated the change in him.
"Nandini I imagined scenarios.. situations... That you and gim would've been... And I hated it... I'd reasoned with myself that it was because you were my wife... But a part of me knew that wasn't it... We never behaved like husband and wife...infact i was the one who told you that we won't behave like a couple because it was all fake so the husband wife excuse did not work... But alot had been going on within me... You remember that night when fab5 was over for a party on the terrace and one if them had dared me to kiss Alya..."he looked at me and I nodded as I looked away.
" You were there... You saw them dare me to do it... And then you left and a part of me broke when I saw you run away from the door... Nandini I wouldn't have done it anyways... I don't know why.. but I wouldn't have... Uss raat I kissed Alya on her forehead and left from there... All I wanted to do was come to you... And I did... I heard you singing... I felt the hurt in your voice.. I couldn't take it...I told you it was just a dare... You didn't react the way I wanted you to... that And the Maddy and towel thing...  it told me that something in me was changing... That night when you brought Medha home... Nandini i was so worried when you didn't come home for hours... Every minute in your absence... The fact that I had no idea where you were... Your phone was switched off.. it killed me... I was trying hard to cover up my panic but I just couldn't... And then you came home with Medha and that was the day I saw you so happy... It was after so long... You were glowing... I felt happy too.. and mom had noticed it... How Medha made you happy and you made me happy... Mom also noticed the distance between us the day we dropped Medha off to the orphanage..."I looked at him apprehensive of whatever he was coming at.
"And then that day... When I lost you... Nandini I've been replaying that day for a year now.. wishing that I could undo it... Wishing that I could get a chance... A second chance..  I wish I wouldn't have acted impulsively... When in reality I didn't even feel the way that I reacted..."he paused and I looked at him surprised. This was new to me and I no longer knew where it was going.