Bullets & Promises ✔️

30. The Long-Awaited Closure

Haneul does remember that day, it was the first time he caught sight of someone like Dae Ho, ran after the man to confirm it but he lost him. "I-I didn't know..."

"I have committed many wrongs, taken decisions I regret, and destroyed myself with my own hands but I can say confidently that walking away that day was the right and best decision I made. Or else I would've risked the life of this bundle of joy." He strokes Soomin's hair slowly, a small smile present on his face. "You've raised a brilliant child, Haneul."

Haneul flushes at the compliment, heat riding up his cheeks. When he first met Park Dae Ho, it took him months to open up and converse casually with him. And with the state he had met the younger once again after years of disappearance, the doctor had thought it would take him longer than before and would need a lot more pushing. But seeing Dae Ho talk about the hardest situation he's faced, warmth fills Haneul's chest, a sense of accomplishment taking over.

"I want you to promise me something." Dae Ho starts again, licking his lips. "If I ever go berserk again, please leave me alone. I can't bear the consequences after it if I hurt someone. It happens with me at times so don't worry, I can handle myself." The doctor gives him a disapproving look but Dae Ho stresses. "Please!"

The bluehead then sighs and nods observing the determined look in the other's eyes. Although he's calm now, it's going to take a while before Haneul digests Dae Ho's story. It's the other's presence that holds him in place, letting him focus on him. There's a bout of serenity on Dae Ho's face after talking about the past, solace adorning his features.

"But maybe if I hadn't run my mouth that day...Minji may have been alive..." Dae Ho licks his lips, his hold on Soomin tightening a bit. "Maybe V—"

"Don't do that, it's a vicious cycle. As Minji said, it's not your fault, and don't blame yourself. That man is twisted, he would've still gotten to her in some or the other way."

"I don't know..."

"You know, according to studies, there are five stages of grief," Haneul says, not completely straying from the topic. "Overcoming these stages may take days, weeks, or even years. And the stages don't have to be step-wise, they differ with people."

"What are you trying to say?" Dae Ho tilts his head in confusion.

"They're the stages of healing. Typically, at first, you're in denial, it helps you minimize the overwhelming pain of loss. Although you witnessed Minji's death, you kept searching for her for a while." Haneul places a hand on Dae Ho's shoulder, giving it a light squeeze. "Then there's anger, you losing faith in everyone, turning your back on them. And also, it may be you inflicting pain on the man who took away Minji from you."

Dae Ho nods slowly, listening attentively, reflecting on his feelings with the words that leave the doctor's lips.

"The next stage is bargaining, where you're willing to do anything and everything to bring back whoever you've lost. It's a temporary truce, you wanting life to go back to how it was before. Then there's depression, you losing hope and feeling empty, the fog of intense sadness taking over. And I think you've been stagnant in this stage for years now." Haneul gives a tight smile, struggling to find the right words. "The last stage is acceptance, admitting and understanding that they're gone and you're going to move on with life without them."

Dae Ho tenses at that, smoothening Soomin's night suit to keep himself busy. He spent years agonizing and in pain, not being able to process his emotions, but here Haneul is, summing up all his feelings in a few sentences. But he's not ready to move on yet, not when accepting his sister's death would cool down the flame that's been burning in him for years now.