A court of shadow and spying (Azriel X OC)

the escape

After Azriel tended to my wounds and helped me dress, it was time to face the others.
My fear was growing and I didn't know how they would take everything I was about to say. I had lost a lot by making the deal with Keir and I had regretted nothing in my life more than making that deal. I stood in front of the closed door and tried to organize my thoughts, but they wouldn't come together. My stomach rumbled and I felt again like the day my mother had told me she was going to Hewn City with me. I was shaking and my nervousness was growing. Would they be able to understand me, or would they reject me as my only friends had done then? I didn't want to imagine it, yet I had to tell them my story.
'You are not alone Jenna.' Azriel stood behind me, his hand clasped in mine, the only feeling that made me feel safe. He was here, God, he was here. I slowly turned to face him, resting my head against his chest. Would this be the last time he thought of me like this, looking at me like I was worth it? The idea of it almost broke my heart. I knew Nesta was on my side, she had known for some time but had never said anything about it or brought it up, for which I was grateful. Azriel's scent enveloped me and my body finally found peace, only with him. It would always be just him.
'Let's go. I'll stay by your side, all the time. I promise you.'
I didn't know if he could keep that promise. I wouldn't want to know what the look on his face was like when he found out who I'd been hanging out with, what Keir had made of me, of so many others. But I nodded and turned toward the door before wrapping my trembling hand around the handle and squeezing. All the way down, Azriel didn't leave my side, his hand anchored in mine, I squeezed it as tightly as if my life depended on it, but he didn't seem to mind. He ran caressing, reassuring strokes over my shield and I let him; needing the peace he radiated and brought to me. We had almost reached the bottom of the stairs when I stopped. My heart was racing and I wanted to turn back.
'Jenna. Look at me.'
Azriel's soothing tenor brought me back to my senses a little.
'If you're not ready to tell us, that's fine. No one is forcing you to tell us.'
His hand came to rest against my cheek and I leaned into his contact.
'I have to though', I whispered, 'or I'll never get over it. I'm just afraid of how you guys will think of me then. I don't want you to-'
Tears welled up and I drew in deep breaths to calm myself.
'You'll see me differently', I whispered, 'you might hate me.' My eyes found his, but Azriel's eyes promised me something very different.
'I didn't make such important promises with you only to let you down. Everything I said is true, Jenna, and I want you to know that if you let me, I'll be there. In every step you take, every moment you live. I want to be with you and a man won't be able to change that. Because you are still you and I will tear him to pieces for what he did to you, I promise you.'
His shadows condensed again and welled up around us, but close to me, they traversed my hair and rode relaxing around my body. I nodded and swallowed down the wall of tears before we went into the living room where the others were waiting. They looked worried and tired, as if they had waited the night hoping I would come and explain. Their eyes immediately found mine and nervousness shot back into my limbs. Azriel put his other hand on my shoulder and kissed my temple. He just knew when I needed his affection and when I didn't.
'Are you all right?' The question came from Mor, her eyes a little red. I could imagine why. I had asked her to take me to Hewn City and then she had hoped that nothing would happen to me. I had known this wouldn't work, but Mor seemed to have believed it would and now that it hadn't, she blamed herself. I caught myself saying well, but that would be a lie. And I didn't want to lie to her anymore, to any of them.
I sighed and gave her a small smile.
'It's getting better, but I can't say I'm okay.' My voice was shaky and I wouldn't have wished anything other than for it to be strong and confident today, but it didn't help.
'I think it's time to tell you something', I said, and everyone tensed up a bit. They knew what it was going to be about and maybe they already had their premonitions.
'I went to Hewn City yesterday because I made a mistake a long time ago. I was stupid and thought this deal was worth it, but it wasn't. Because now I have to give myself to a man who demands everything from me without me being able to do anything about it. A body for a body, he had said. At that time, I did not know in which way he meant that. But that cannot be changed now, because the man with whom I have made a bargain-'
I faltered and looked at the floor. Was now really the moment that would take me away from my friends? Was I ready for this, to tell them? Azriel's hand squeezed mine and I looked up slightly.
'It's my father, isn't it? It's Keir.'
I looked up at Mor. Tears shimmered in her eyes and I couldn't pull away from them. Maybe she would be able to understand. Maybe she would still stay with me if I admitted it, because she knew her father and his manipulations, maybe she would stay. So, I nodded, trying not to let my tears fall.
'Yes', I whispered. 'It's him.'
Mor approached me and for a moment I thought she was going to hurt me. But right then I was ashamed of that thought; she wasn't her father and she knew what he could do. She looked me up and down before taking me in her arms.
'I'm sorry', she whispered.
I laughed tearfully.
'Why should you be sorry? It's not your fault.'
'But I know how he treated his slaves and his wives. And I didn't give a thought to how they were when I was gone. And I'm sorry for that. And for bringing you to the Hewn City, maybe i could have reduced the pain.'
'It's okay', I said softly, hugging her tighter. She wouldn't judge me and it was a load off my mind when I realized that.
'Thank you for not hating me', I whispered and slowly let go of her to turn to the others. Nesta gave me a slightly worried look that cheered me up more than I could have imagined, she would stay with me too, I was sure of it. Cassian looked shocked and Feyre also grimaced. But it was Azriel from whom a rage emanated that I had not felt before. I turned to him and tears streamed down my face.
'Az- I'm- I'm sorry, I-'
His eyes were cold and I felt like the shadow singer had taken over. His shadows billowed into the room and once again I realized how scary he could be when he wanted to be.
'It was him?' he whispered; his voice as icy as a winter night. I barely dared to breathe and nodded imperceptibly. And then he was gone.
'Shit.' Cassian had jumped up and was looking at Rhysand.
'You know he's going to kill him. And he's going to do it now. We have to stop him or another civil war will break out.'
But Rhysand was already on his feet, gathering his weapons before Cassian jumped into action as well. I just watched, my hands began to shake again and fear filled me again. Azriel was gone, now that I needed him. But it had been understandable. I knew he had harboured feelings for Mor and had for a long time. And I also knew that Keir had abandoned her abused and hurt, and he'd held a grudge against him ever since. Maybe I should have kept it to myself after all, when he was so close to the chance to take on a war for me.
'We'll find him, you hear?'
It was Cassian who stood in front of me and gently embraced my shoulders. 'He will come back and we will find him. Just be patient, he needs to cool down.'
But even Cassian seemed to have lost his good mood before disappearing into nothing with Rhysand.
'I shouldn't have told you', I said, turning to the others who remained. 'God, this is all my fault', I sobbed, not bothering to let the voices get through to me as I rushed up the stairs, trying to get away from it all. I couldn't, I never would be able to because Keir had become my undoing, my nightmare that was real and it pulled and pulled and the ground beneath my feet began to shake and all I wanted to do was disappear. I unconsciously realized how I packed my most necessary things into a bag and closed it. I needed to get out of here, for a short time. I needed time to digest and think about all that was happening and what had happened, and this place wasn't here.
Feyre and Mor rushed into my room and gave me worried looks as I approached them, bag in hand, but I needed time.
'Get me out of here, please. Just-just for a little bit. I can't do this now I- please'
My pleas were drowned in sobs, which shook through me.
'This is all too much, I-'
Feyre gently took my arm and nodded.
'We'll take you to a hut. It's protected and no one will find you there. We could take you there if you want.'
I nodded and the pleading expression in my eyes made her understand what a tightrope I was walking.
'Well then', Feyre whispered and we disappeared into the shadows.
                           ▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎
'Where are we?', I asked quietly, trying to find my bearings.
'We're in a remote part of the Illyrian Mountains.'
The cabin stood tucked between two upper fangs of the mountains, which shelter it from the wind. There is nothing around for as far as the eye can see.
But it seemed peaceful, quiet and I was glad about it. Maybe I could find my peace here, which seemed to be so far away inside me. We walked towards the hut and I pulled my clothes tighter around me. I had forgotten how cold it was in the Illyrian hills. Once we were inside, my breath caught for a moment. Drawings decorated the walls, eyes and portraits, to stars and the night sky.
'Did you draw this?', I asked Feyre as I walked around the room examining the drawings. She gave me an approving hum and I had to smile when I saw how numerous ornate the eyes were of her beloved.
'You are very talented. My br- never mind.'
But I stopped that train of thought before I could think about it further. It had been too long already.
'You can stay as long as you want. Me or Mor will come by to check on you. If you need anything, let me know.'
I nodded.
'The house has magic, it does what you tell it to, so don't be shy and just ask it if you want anything.'
I looked over at Feyre and saw her silently tracing the paint and drawings on the wall. She had found her happiness, but I had heard of her, everyone had. I wondered how she had gotten through it all then, and if she had struggled to accept her new life.
'He'll be looking for you when he gets back.'
I knew who she was talking about and I hardly expected otherwise, but I also knew that he would stay away if I asked him to. But right now, I didn't know who I wanted with me and who I didn't. I didn't know how to handle this whole situation. Thesan's words came through my mind again.
Take care of yourself dear. It won't do any good to help people if you can't help yourself. It's up to you whether it gets worse or better, because you alone decide what your life is worth. Don't let it go.
I didn't want to let it go. And I also remembered how maybe I could get a part of me back if I talked to the right person.
'Feyre.'
She had already turned around and was almost out the door, but she turned back to me one more time.
'Can you do me a favour? Bring Estrella here, the girl I was with at Dawn Court. Tell her I need her now. And bring her here.'
Feyre just smiled and then disappeared into nothingness while I was in a shack in the middle of nowhere trying to get myself straightened out. And I didn't think it would prove so difficult.
The cottage was beautiful, cosy and tranquil and I had made myself comfortable in front of the fireplace on the sofa, with a cup of tea which was still steaming. My anxiety had subsided and I was no longer shaking, but I knew that I wouldn't be able to shut down until I knew what Azriel had done and when he would be back. I set the cup down on the table and buried myself deeper into the sofa and the pillows and blankets the house had provided for me. My thoughts were churning away and I let them, maybe sorting them out would do me some good. I knew Feyre would be coming soon, or maybe Mor and possibly they would have my best friend with them who could help me with all this jumbled thinking.
But at the moment I was alone and I turned my head so that I could look outside at the already snow-covered landscape. In Velaris it had just been autumn, but the steppes and mountains of the Illyrians always got it earlier than Velaris. It had escaped me how much time I had already spent with the inner circle and how much they had become family to me. But I just couldn't see them, at least not now. I didn't dare look under their eyes, the things they might see in me if I continued to tell the story. But I knew Mor would understand, and Nesta, possibly Rhysand. But my greatest worries hung on Azriel. The self-doubt I was plunging into would do no good, I knew that, and yet I didn't know what else to do.
I sighed and let my gaze run through the hut again. Feyre had really outdone herself, for it was defiantly full of wildly coloured paintings and views, and I had to smile a little when I thought of how they had been created.
I was still lost in my thoughts when there was a knock at the door and Feyre and Morrigan came in. I smiled briefly over at them; secretly glad they were keeping me company. I didn't want to keep thinking. Morrigan sat down at one of the sofas at my feet before putting them on her lap, while Feyre made herself comfortable on one of the armchairs.
'How are you feeling?', Feyre asked and I shrugged my shoulders.
'Better than before but, well, not good either.' Feyre nodded.
'They have Az.'
I jerked my head around to Mor.
'So, did he-'
'No, they found him before he could do any harm, but he's- well, it'll probably take him a while to cool down.'
'You have to be careful with him when it comes to Keir. He had always been a target for Azriel and you kind of broke the temper he has for him. Az has hated Keir ever since we knew what he did to Mor. And back then it was with, well-'
Feyre slid back and forth on her chair and I slowly sat up.
'Connected with feelings, I know', I meant, and hissed as I settled down on my side and a twinge of pain shot through me. 'It's okay, sometimes he still looks at you like that', I explained to Mor, glancing at her briefly before turning back to the blanket that lay over me. I fiddled with the ends and fringes.
'He's not my type, though', Mor muttered, sucking in the air.
'Well, that's actually predictable if you didn't want him after the centuries, he's been crushing on you', I muttered, unable to keep the small undertone of jealousy out of my voice. Feyre bit her lip and looked between us. I knew I was being unfair to Mor, and I probably shouldn't alienate the only person who understood what I'd been through with Keir.
I sighed. 'Sorry, that was a bit harsh.'
'I'm a sucker for women.'
My head wheeled around to her again and my mouth formed an O. As the certainty hit me, I felt bad to have ever thought of Mor that way.
'Oh', I brought out and began to grin a moment later. Mor regarded me with attentive, slightly fear-filled eyes.
'So, you want me to believe that I shouldn't have been jealous of you at all, because you never wanted anything from Az, because you like women?' I laughed for a second.
'Oh man', I said. 'I'm such an idiot.' Mor looked at me confused, but Feyre seemed to understand what I was alluding to.
'So, you're okay with that-well, with the, you know-.'
I really had never seen Mor so unsure of himself.
'Yeah, sure, everything's fine. God, it's all right, I have nothing against you because you like women. That's great. But then I was totally jealous of you for nothing, because I always thought maybe you did want something from Az.'
Feyre grinned.
'For example, at the gala. There I saw you together and I was so jealous of you because you got along so well with Az and, oh I don't know what I wanted, but when I saw you, I just wanted that- Well, you know', I said sheepishly and smiled briefly.
'You wanted Az to pay attention to you again, which is why you ended up having fun with the other Fae on the dance floor, yes, we were that far', Feyre explained with a bright smile and started laughing, whereupon Mor joined in as well.
My face had turned red by now and yet I couldn't wipe the grin off my face as I sighed up at the ceiling. I gave an approving hum and amusement shone in the eyes of the others.
'Well, it worked, didn't it?', I said, biting my lip as I thought about that night and what Azriel had done with his tongue. I cleared my throat and let my gaze slide over my friends. They looked tired, broken from the last few days and what all was ahead, but in that moment, they were happy, they were here standing by me and I knew in that moment that they were true friends and my family. And my heart contracted at the thought that I would be something like that for them too.