Bullets & Promises ✔️

28. Heart on a Sleeve

Dae Ho turns to him slightly, a small, guilty smile curving up his lips. "For everything."

"And you think a simple apology is going to cut it?" Haneul isn't merciful with his words, a click of his tongue announcing his annoyance.

"It isn't, that's why I'm leaving for good this time. I'm doing this for you."

"No, you're doing this for yourself. You're running away again. You almost killed me, don't you think I deserve to know what that was about? What has you scarred so deep within that you lost all sense of reality? If...if that would've been someone else..."

Haneul doesn't complete the sentence but they both know who he's talking about. Kim Soomin, his daughter. A pang of hurt flashes in Dae Ho's eyes, he swallows to dislodge a lump in his throat that's unwilling to budge.

The fighter feels small under Haneul's piercing gaze, fingers clutching his pants. "Every day...I fall asleep after drinking myself stupid, till I lose myself, till my eyes see nothing but a blur of abstract colors, till my mind slumps into a pit of nothingness..." Dae Ho takes the skin of his lips between his teeth and tears it.

"But I tried refraining myself since I've come here, about two to three cans per day, a state that's too sober for me to sleep in. I haven't been completely sober for more than twelve hours since years." Dae Ho continues, hesitant eyes meeting Haneul's sturdy ones. "Having monsters in your head is one thing, but when the mirror passes you as the monster for everything that has happened, holds you responsible, you start losing your mind. And alcohol is the easiest way to fix it. Even if the whole world hates you, it's alright, you can live, but when you start loathing yourself, it's over. You hear your mind mocking you with every action you do and ties you up with a heavy chain of guilt and regret. Alcohol makes you feel less hideous and a sore sight, albeit for a short while."

Dae Ho chuckles humorlessly, a depreciating grin taking over. "But according to you it may be running away, and it is. You're right. But you don't understand. That is all I can do."

"Then make me."

"Huh?"

"Make me understand how the man that was my best friend, a cornerstone and an anchor for me is hell-bent on destroying himself and what we had in the past? Make me understand why the man who promised to never kill anyone, has crossed that line. Make me understand how the man that many people loved to watch on stage, is so alone and a ticking bomb. Make me understand why a man with such a strong spirit has given up on living a decent life. Make me understand why my ride and die wasn't there in my hard times anymore. Make me understand why he didn't trust me enough to help him through everything that has forced him to turn into something he loathes. Make me understand why he keeps digging deeper into the pit of despair. Please, I beg of you." Haneul's accusing eyes are replaced with tired ones, with a hint of sympathy.

Dae Ho doesn't relent, uncertainty nipping at him. "I don't know, Haneul...it's better to leave it at this. I know you, you wouldn't want to hear this."

"That's unfair, don't put words in my mouth." The older shakes his head. "You and I, we both need closure. We are all characters in the book called 'life', and stories left hanging hold us down, they don't let you move on to the next one. And it's high time we both turn a new page, even if the closure isn't to our liking."

"But y—"

"—Minji!" Dae Ho flinches at the mention of his sister's name. "Me knowing about Minji's death is a bitter pill I've to swallow and it's not your call to make whether I learn of it or not. It's my right and you'll let me have it." Haneul says with finality, his words stern, leaving no room for arguments.