Strings That Binds Us

↳ 04

Disgrace.

People around me have implied seeing me as a disgrace. Someone that they can never depend on. Someone that they would never have faith in.

What do I even expect from you?

That was the last thing I've heard before I sleep. Those seven words made my world fell apart, it made me feel that there's really no future ahead of me, it made me sank so small.

Especially now that college is getting into the picture.

Whenever my classmates start a discussion about college admissions and the entrance exams. I constantly find myself gazing into nowhere. Unable to breathe properly while having cold sweats. Is that anxiety? I don't know. I really don't like putting up labels on myself because I refuse to deem that I am depressed.

Although, last night is strange. Out of nowhere, an online diagnosis came to mind. It cannot be used as a medical opinion so I don't want to take it seriously, but the thing is, I was inquisitive.

My opposition to think that I am depressed doesn't imply that I also resist considering that all the things I have in mind aren't real. This feeling of persistence to disappear isn't normal.

As soon as I received the results, I was taken aback. Maybe, I am not dying in the most effortless way. Maybe I'll vanish gradually.

Depression

Anxiety Disorder

Hyperthyroidism

Pneumonia

Asthma

Acute Myeloid Leukemia

Sepsis

Iron Deficiency Anemia

I've been pulling myself up alone every single time, masking myself up after breaking down, making people assume that I'm okay even if I wasn't. Until I come to this point where I've been asking myself if I still can.

If I should strive to live on.

Will everyone feel devastated if I just decide to stop everything? To disappear?

Because unfortunately, no matter what I do, departing is the only option that I have, and I'm drained of feeling like I'm being tortured over and over again. I've come up to that consciousness that this won't end.