Strings That Binds Us

↳ 01

Darkness.

How colossal that my mind's like that. Dark. It has been clouded with unhealthy thoughts. Do you know those thoughts that eat you up? That kind which suffocates you? Thoughts that are so vague, that you find yourself incapable to detect even just a slightest blink of a light?

Today counts the day that I am slowly getting drained by my own insights. I couldn't discern all of it. Today counts the day that whatever I am doing, I am always on the verge of crying, breaking apart, breaking down. Even now. I feel like I could just tear up in front of my laptop's screen. But I'm trying not to because it's difficult to type when my eyes are drenched with tears.

It's been roughly 3 weeks, ever since my twin sister, Ingrid, died. 1 week, ever since we've got her a funeral. I was still wishing we got home early that night, wishing I never left my sister there, wishing I was the one who got stabbed, wishing I was the one who perished.

A lot of people, like me, mourn weeks ago and I feel like I was grieving for myself too. I couldn't even hold the framed picture of Ingrid because my parents won't let me. I feel like I was an outcast.

She died because of you!

I already forgot how many times I've heard that from my Mom. I already forgot how many times my Dad would stare at me like it's really my fault.

But why am I being condemned for something that I never wanted to happen in the first place? I never wanted Ingrid to die. I never wanted anything of that to occur.

I've been surpassing nights filled with tears, silent cries behind closed doors, I always locked my room's door, fearful that my cries get louder and people I'm with will overhear me and I'm afraid of facing them, to explain myself just to be misunderstood. I'm afraid of their perceptions about me.

But I'm more scared of mine.

As time passes, I have these thoughts that I've been shoving at the back of my head. I've been striving to overcome it but it persists coming back. It haunts me and I'm terrified of how long will it chase me or how much will it cost while chasing me?