The Bad Boys' Soft Boys' Lonely Hearts Club - The Full Package

The Millionaire's Secret Billionaire ~ Part 3

Brayden's dad sits at the head of the table that sticks inside the house, putting a bib on in the same motion. I have to remind you all that he still has an unnaturally stained wifebeater. Why do people think a wifebeater is an acceptable name for an undershirt? Too much on the nose if you ask me.

"WHY ARE YOUSE STANDING THERE WITH YER MOUTH OPEN LIKE ONE OF THOSE FLYTRAP THINGS?" asks Goro like a punch in the face. "COME, SIT DOWN, EAT UP!"

Okayden takes out an umbrella from his magical coat of random shit and opens it up inside, much to Goro's protests.

"HEY, YOU, DENNYS DE FURRY MENACE," he says, smashing his hands against the table. "DON'T YOU KNOW IT'S BAD JUJU TO OPEN AN UMBRELLA INDOORS? JIMIN, LIAM, YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO."

The pair of beefcakes snatches the umbrella out of Okayden's hands, toss it to the ground, and begin to unload round after round of white-hot lead on it, courtesy of Mister Glock. Once their magazines were empty, they took out new ones, loaded their pistols, and went at it again. Nobody bats an eye at this, except Okayden, who looks like he's about to cry.

"There," said Jimin, handing the umbrella to Okayden. "Ain't no bad juju about a colander."

Okayden grabs the newly-minted colander, twirling it pitifully on his hand as ribbons of fabric fell on top of his hat. My heart, my precious bean.

"WELL, WITH THAT SETTLED," says Goro, "PLEASE SIT DOWN."

Me and Hayden sit down opposite Brayden and... do I have to say it? Please don't make me say it. Okayden, on the other hand, stood in the shadows, twirling the umbrella. Or is it a parasol? Anyone know the difference? This is like a ladder/stepladder situation.

"Uncle, is there a way you can give that seat to Okayden?" asks Hayden, all the way casually putting a hand on top of my leg under the table. Cheeky.

I slide it out. I'm not quite there yet.

"WHAT? WHY? WHEN?" says Goro. "I'M THE HEAD OF THE FAMILY, SO I SIT ON THE HEAD OF THE TABLE. I GET ALL THE HEAD AROUND HERE."

Jesus Christ on a cracker, the jokes write themselves.

"daddy, teen wolf over here is one of them hemophiliacs," says Brayden, putting his hand around... you know what? It isn't worth it. I have a bit of self-love.

"IS ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO LIKE MEN?" asks Goro, just as a man, waiter, manservant person brings a tray of food, placing a plate in front of us. More on that later. "DON'T WORRY, WE DON'T JUDGE HERE. YOU CAN BE WHOEVER YOU WANT UNDER MY ROOF. EXCEPT A NARC. ARE YOU A NARC?"

Jimin grabs Okayden by the scruff of his coat and pulls him closer. "Be honest, you narc, or you will be sleeping with the fishes."

"I wanna go home,

Please, let me go, I'm very much,

Allergic to garlic," says Okayden. Poor baby. Time to chime in.

"I think the word you're looking for is heliophobia," I say.

"WHAT? YOU AFRAID OF HELIUM?"

"Do I cancel the balloons?" asks Jimin.

"hey, no fair! i want my balloons! fuck you, spike!" yells Brayden.

The... you know, the person, the one Brayden wants to marry, grabs him by the cheeks and turns him towards here. "Hey, babe, look at me. I love you. Calm down. Focus on me. Just look at me."

I think I'm going to puke. If it wasn't for Hayden's hand squeezing my thigh, I would totally blow my chunks. But I think that's because of the dish in front of me: spaghetti gimbap. Imagine sushi, but instead of rice, it's spaghetti, marinara and all. It's disgusting in a sadistic way.