The Bad Boys' Soft Boys' Lonely Hearts Club - The Full Package

The Millionaire's Secret Billionaire ~ Part 2

The interior of the house is as gaudy as the exterior. Marble staircases with black and white tiles with burgundy curtains falling down the ceiling, with stucco symbols of ancient Roman and medieval Korean symbology, all with a pure-white piano tucked in the corner around velvet ropes, with equally velvet couches to match. It looks something more akin to the Bolshoi ballet than a mansion in bumfuck, middle of nowhere. Still, there's something odd about the whole thing. It looks unused, almost as if everything was specifically made to be seen, but nothing else.

In fact, for as big as this place is, there doesn't seem to be any adjoining room, only the big staircase reaching for the second floor. Peculiar, given that this is the only entrance.

But more peculiar is the heavily tattooed man at the top of the stairs with a tan top stained in something red, which I sure hope is not blood, a pudgy dad bod, and a pompadour that kinda brings the whole vibe down. He's flanked by two of the biggest, fattest, strongest men I've ever seen in my life. I'm talking about the "Kingpin in Spiderverse" type of molemen. I'm kind of expecting their eyes to glow and move with the sound of rocks scrapping, because there's no way those guys aren't golems.

The man spreads his arms, revealing two tattoos under his arms. The right arm said "For Pleasure," and the left one said "Beef." I don't want to even attempt to decipher what that means.

"WELL WELL WELL, IF IT ISN'T MY SON'S CONSIGLIERE," says the man in a totally normal tone, and yet, felt like being punched by a wall of sound all at once. "HAYDEN, MY BOY, WELCOME TO CHATEAU DI MESSINA-PARK. HOW WONDERFUL FOR YOU TO HAVE COME. PLEASE, COME GIVE YOUR OLD UNCLE A HUG."

The man makes no effort in going down the thirty flights of stairs, indicating that Hayden is the one to go up and give him the hug. He looks at me with a puzzled expression, letting go of my hand, and beginning the awkward pilgrimage up the flight of stairs. An excruciating trek, I might add. The room is dead silent, save for Hayden's steps on the marble floor echoing on the vaulted ceiling while the man upstairs continues to keep his arms open and a dumb grin, not wavering, not stopping, as each step keeps being longer and longer. Nobody moves, except for Hayden, whose slouch tells me he wants to disappear into the ether as soon as possible. The ride up the stairs is almost as long as this paragraph, indicating how awkward it is, going on and on and on until the last step, when the man, for lack of a better word, glomps Haydem hoisting him up, even though he is about 100 pounds lighter than Hayden.

"I HEARD YOU'VE TWISTED MY SON'S ARM TO STOP FUCKING AROUND AND GO BACK TO SCHOOL," says/yells the man, letting him down and patting him on the shoulder. "I WANNA THANK YOU FOR DOING WHAT MANY HAVE THOUGHT IMPOSSIBLE. JIMIN, GIVE HIM THE THING."

One of the molemen next to them places something on his hands that I can't quite make up from here, but Hayden is quick to let me know what it is. "A Lambo? Really? You know I can't accept that!"

He thrust the keys back into the moleman's hand.

"I KNEW YOU WOULD SAY THAT," says the man in an impossibly normal, if loud voice. "LIAM, YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO."

The other moleman, Liam, who has a tattoo on his neck that says "Pain," takes out a magazine and gives it to him. That one is easier to spot what it is: An airplane "Skymall" Magazine.

"PICK ANYTHING YOU LIKE, MY TREAT. I PULLED A LOT OF STRINGS TO GET THAT THING," says the man with a smug grin.

"You know you can buy Skymall stuff online, right?" says Hayden.

The man grabs his shoulder - again, what's with bad boys and shoulders? - and pulls him closer. "I KNOW, BUT THERE IS NOTHING BETTER THAN TO HAVE SOMETHING YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE."

Again, Hayden pushes it away. "No, seriously, I'm fine."

The tattooed man, not taking no for an answer, looks from side to side before taking a handful of something from his back pocket and putting it in Hayden's hands. "BANK LOBBY LOLLIPOPS. ONLY CLIENTS GET TO HAVE THESE. C'MON, TAKE 'EM."