The Bad Boys' Soft Boys' Lonely Hearts Club - The Full Package

The Big Beepis Chapter

First, I'm gonna need some intel. I hate to bring up "The Art of War" again, but if it got me into this mess, it's gonna take me out, and not in the dating way. Maybe in a shoot-on-the-back-of-the-head way. I am a stranger in a strange land, and the only way to beat this hedonistic fuckfest of a school is to know it inside out. Hindsight is 20/20. Could've used a tour of the place. While everything is pretty much the same structure-wise, nothing is where it's supposed to be. English is on the Computer lab, Computer lab is on a broom closet upstairs, and the brooms are strewn about the yard in a weird art-nouveau exhibit.

See, the Art of War puts it best: "If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles." And I sure as hell know myself like the back of my hand, which is mine, because I am me. If I am to survive, I need to tap into the veins of Cliff Basin Sierra Plateau, and there is only one person here that can help me with that. Lucky for me, I know the place I can find them.

After a few minutes of popping in and out of rooms like a handsome whack-a-mole, I find the biology lab under the bleachers of the gym. A handful of students are fucking around with their phones while a man whose eyes are devout of any life drones on and on about a subject or another with the same onnus a hospital receptions would tell you to plase wait while you bleed your arm out thanks to that freaky lacrosse incident nobody wants to speak about, because doing so would break the inherent silent pact between your friends, for doing so would destroy that thin line, that whispered secret, that haunts them all. There is also a bunch of science shit around.

"Ah, you must be the new student," says the teacher, which I'm kinda thinking might be an animatronic by the stiff way he moves and the monotone memevoice he uses. You know the one in the videos where a machine reads reddit stories and gets a shitton of money doing the content equivalent of crunchy air. "Class, may I present to you Mr. Ayden Gomez? He is a recent transfer from Hill Valley Mountain Woods High. Let's give him a Trojan welcome. God, please spare me from this life."

That does spark the attention of the rest of the peanut gallery, mumbling amongst each other. Some people mumble a little bit more than others. You know the ones.

"Oh my god!" yells a girl dressed in a simple, yet stylish sort of way, with short blonde hair and a can-do attitude that would fit as a spunky protagonist of a self-insert Harry Styles story. I can smell the chaste virginity waiting to be played by a love triangle. "Is that the rumored new bad boy? My horoscope told me I would meet a tall, dark, and handsome stranger, but I thought it was a Venti macchiato! Lol, I'm so random!" Let's call her... Lila. I don't really care about any of these characters to know their name.

"I heard he was expelled because he punched a guy so hard, he reverted back to middle school," says another guy who looks exactly like Leeland, but with a thin moustache. Let's call him Senor Leelando. "He can punch me back to pre-school and take care of me as my new daddy ugh."

Thirsty twinks, like war, never change.

"I heard he has a micropenis," whispers Lila. "Perfect for my first time."

"Yum yum Tic-tac goes in me tummy-yummy," whispers Senor Leelando back. See, no matter what I say, I get sexualized. Let's try someone new.

"Hey, I'm Ayden," I say with my signature, limited-edition Paco Rabane smile, "I got a huge penis. A big beepis. A magnum dong, like two babies fighting over an apple. Like, not even a python can swallow this shmeat. It floats when I go to the pool, is all I'm trying to say."

By the both horrified and intrigued looks of the two rotten apples, I seem to have shut them down, at least from now.

"If we can move on from the buoyancy of Mr. Gomez' schlong," says the teacher in his monotone voice, "we can begin today's experiment. People are paired up, but we can find you a partner in the meantime. Let's see..."