VIRAGO

Chapter 12

     I wrestled myself into work the following morning; sleep deprived and drained from exploration of the possibilities, where my next steps should lead. There was no sign of Brahm; I image he is downstairs nursing a hangover as I read over my appointments. I note David is due in any time.

Culpability regarding my dishonesty surfaces, for here was a man I'd conned with a degree of success. David held me in fond regard; he may well be disappointed to meet the real me, the one that lies beneath the dull, blemished surface. There have been no flashes of darkness or stains of failure thus far in our relationship; oh he'd see them soon enough, the same way everyone did.

Hope surfaces; implies I how I could try to prolong the eventuality, to hold onto this moment for as long as possible, to keep this enhanced image he had of me alive. With David my edges felt a little softer, around him life looked lighter. I'm certain what we have won't last; goodness, I'm not an imbecile. However on this occasion, unusually I'm prepared to celebrate one small victory. I'm proud to have made some internal progress; I'm no longer desperate to beat others to identify my flaws.

He'll work it out in time, until then I intend to enjoy the ride.

He breezes in right on time; still no sign of Brahm, so I allow David to entertain me with jokes he seems keen to tell. All self depreciating, none are remotely funny until he tells the last one. It's to do with height, or more specifically the lack of.

The mini explosion from my mouth took us both totally by surprise.

     'Comments about short men; they'd raise a laugh at a funeral.'

     'I do apologise, may we put my small indiscretion down to tension? I didn't mean to laugh.'

     'Even saying that whilst looking directly at me is making you laugh again. It's all good, laughter makes the world go round. Let it all out.'

     'I thought that was money?'

     'Yep, that too. Who lives with you?'

     'That's confidential.'

     'It's clichéd. Come on, tell me something about yourself, I'm always offloading on you.'

     'There was a girl. Lives in Australia now.'

      'A girl you say; daughter, lover?'

     'Daughter'.

     'Other side of the world huh? Sounds like that could be tough.'

     'Not really, you cut your cloth accordingly. Truth is I was never terribly good at the mother thing.'

     'We all play to our strengths. You're great at this job.'

     'Some days.'

     'That brings me very neatly to my news, kind of.'

The death knell. He was moving away from the topic of him and I. Fingers in my stomach begin to clench, fight ready.

     'Do you remember last visit I was talking about how she finds me a bit more appealing these days, since the treatment?'

     'Have you told her?'

     'No; to be honest I'm not sure I ever will. She thinks I've finally developed will power and a taste for fitness! Things are going ok you know. If it ain't broke...'

     'That's a cliché.'

    ' Touché. We're in a really good place right now. Thing is, she said she'd like to try for a baby again.'