VIRAGO

Chapter 5

    I arrived distracted; the nocturnal disturbance I'd encountered hung around me like a fog, the punishment of a hangover without the indulgence. Lars was towering over my desk, seemingly absorbed in a series of documents opened across the surface. The bifocals; riding his nose unusually low, gave an air of severity which tapped into my culpability. Now there would be questions; the ones I'd dreaded concerning Lucinda's notes. I opted for breezy nonchalance.

    'Good Morning. Everything ok?'

He nodded; his demeanour reserved, not out of character. Over my thudding heart he explained that very morning, a client had been in touch regarding a meeting that had taken place. I hadn't had a chance to prepare a suitable defence this early in the game; multiple excuses ran through my head, none of which sounded remotely feasible.

     'Would you be agreeable to his suggestion? It's merely a supportive role but extremely encouraging that someone places such value upon you.'

      'I'm sorry, who has requested me?'

      'The gentleman you screened earlier in the week; David. He called this morning asking if you would stand as advocate for his initial treatment.'

David? David not Lucinda. No mention of mother. The content wasn't entirely making sense but it appeared I was being praised rather than reprimanded or God forbid, dismissed. My decision to omit the findings about her panic attacks wasn't one I'd reached easily. I spent so long agonising it was the other side of 2am before I committed to copy. Nay's to the left concurred the child to be undeserving of favours; aye's to the right argued in favour of her redemption. By documenting the panic attacks, the girl would be denied treatment. I'd sentence her to a lifetime navigating a world full of triggers, some real, most imagined. Fear of fear itself, the avoidance of routes and routines that may provoke an attack, an existence identical to mine.

There could be contraindications, indeed to any procedure and this was new territory. The exact performance of her cardiac tissue under surges of repeated stress with or without the chip was unknown; compromised or threatened in the worst case scenario but unknown, and so I rationalise. Who am I to scaremonger? No one likes a fuss pot.

    'He's arriving at 1.30; procedure is scheduled for 2pm.'

     'I'd be delighted to attend.'

Lars paused mid stride, studying me as if I were a curiosity. He's not too far from the mark.

     'I'm not sure delight is an emotion you should align with this request. Rather necessity, for who else would he ask?'

A low blow. He is of course right, but this justification does nothing to lessen the pain accompanying my deflation. Given a bunch, it's doubtful David would have picked me.

My deception regarding Lucinda hung above me throughout the morning; an umbrella of curiosity as to exactly why I had jeopardised my future in the facility for this girl, only the sixth client I had worked with. At precisely 1.30, bone white and clammy, my distraction slipped through the door. He mumbled a greeting, thanking me for agreeing to accompany him. Jangling like a junkie, I didn't expect him to respond positively to the cubicle, however upon entering David visibly relaxed. The shoulder slouch triggered his babble switch; almost six minutes of verbalising his pre appointment angst, punctuated with his surprise at how much better he felt now he was actually here.

In stark contrast, the technician sat silently conveying his patience, his smile wide. A figure of great interest to me, he too was an allied product of Lars's success, having undergone a programme similar in intensity to my own. Out and out geek, I predicted this handsome specimen was youthful enough to be guided by a more mature individual; still, it was difficult at this stage to ascertain the level of challenge he would present to me. He radiated positive encouragement that David's words were of great importance to him, made all the right sights and sounds one does when they are interested in your story.