Dear Emma

chapter 31 || kai

"What do hiking and flowers have to do with remembering loved ones?" I ask, twirling the flower around in my hand.

"It's about the destination, not the journey," Ryder says.

"I'm pretty sure it's the other way around," Zach points out.

Jayden chuckles. "It is the other way around, but in this case, Ryder happens to be right."

"Ha! I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid," Ryder boasts, the smile reaching his eyes.

We gather our flowers and stand up, ready for our hike into the unknown. Following Jayden through the woods, we walk for a little over 15 minutes, but for someone who doesn't have an athletic bone in their body, it feels like 50. Eventually, we reach a small creek that can't be wider than a tree trunk. The water flows quickly, taking small pieces of dirt and fallen leaves with it.

Jayden stops suddenly, halting the rest of us. "This seems like a good spot," he mutters before turning around to face us. "How many of you are holding onto some feeling of guilt, resentment, fear, etc?"

At first, no one's hand goes up, none of us ready to admit that we still do hold onto the guilt of still being alive, the resentment of them dying. The fear of living without our loved ones. But it's there, it's all there, despite our best efforts.

I raise my hand slowly. "I wish I could let go of it. I don't want to be angry at Emma. Or at myself. It's exhausting." I look around at my friends, whose hands are also up.

Jayden smiles. "While today's final activity is for remembrance, it's also about acceptance. Accept that you have lost someone and that is okay. Accept that you're allowed to feel your feelings and heal at your own pace. Accept the things you feel that you need to in order to let go. Let go of the guilt, the pain, the anger."

"What if I can't? What if I can't do it just yet?" Zach whispers, his voice shaky.

"Then that's okay too. Feel your feelings." I glance at Ryder, who's already looking at me. He gives me something that resembles a smile, but it's so small that I can't tell if anything was actually there or if my mind is playing tricks on me.

I twirl the flower in my hand, resisting the urge to pluck off the petals and drop them one by one into the creek. He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. Not.

"So what do we have to do?" Hayden asks.

"Say your piece. Let go of things you want to let go of. And let your flower flow into the creek," Jayden explains. "Who wants to go first?"

Callie steps forward. "I'm letting go of the guilt of being the one who called them home that night. I didn't kill them. And I'm letting go of my resentment over the other driver. He has to carry his own guilt." She places her flower gently into the stream, watching it drift away.

"I'm letting go of my anger. Syd lived a damn good life before it was taken away by cancer. And I know she fought as hard as she could. She said goodbye that night, she knew it was going to take her. So I forgive myself for leaving," Hayden says, letting go of his own flower. He stands next to Callie, wrapping an arm around her shoulder. She rests her head on his shoulder, closing her eyes. The emotional toll of this activity seems to be the heaviest of them all and only 2 people have shared.

"I don't know if I'm ready to let go yet," Zach shares. "But I'm ready to accept that it wasn't my fault. It wasn't my fault." Zach kneels into the muddy bank, gingerly letting the flower slip from his fingers. He stands up, joining hands with Callie.

"It wasn't my fault either." Ryder looks at me before he looks at the flower in his hand. "I'm letting go of Emma. She can't be my future anymore. So I'm accepting it. I'm letting go of my past." He squats close to the stream, holding onto the stem of the flower for a moment longer before dropping it, letting it go. Letting her go.

I don't want to let go of my best friend. But I have to.

I take a deep breath. "I'm letting go of my resentment and anger toward Emma for leaving me here alone. For putting me through all this shit. Because I'm not alone, not anymore. So I'm letting her go."

Crouching, I dip my hand into the creek, letting the water run through my fingers as I let go of the flower stem. "Gone, but never forgotten," I whisper as the pink and green drift away.

I stand up, dusting off the dirt from my pants, and join hands with Ryder, forming our circle. Jayden joins in and starts the squeeze. Callie squeezes my hand, and I squeeze Ryder's.

"I'll leave you with one last piece of wisdom; something that my counselor told my group." Jayden starts, looking at each one of us. I wonder if our group reminds him of his own.

"We don't outgrow the grief and pain, we grow around it, and that's okay." 

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only two chapters left guys!! 

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signing out now

themusicsoul