Moonlight Kisses

always you

Never in a million light-years did I think I'd be the one to cut things off. I was extremely lucky and grateful to have someone like her in my life. She saved me, whether she'll take credit for that or not. I know she wouldn't, she's humble in that way. She'd tell me something along the lines of "I can't take all the blame for that. You never had to change for me and yet you did. It was all you, baby, I merely saw you through it." Wherever we were, in whatever position we would be laying in, I'd lift my eyes to hers. Absorbing the captivating blue-gray while I told her "You do so much for me, more than you know. You turned me into the person I am today, it's my turn to spend our years together trying to repay you for that." She would hush me with a kiss because she knew how much I hated getting sappy. I'd blanket myself with the gentleness of her touch that I miss the fuck out of.

To think we had years together...we sat down, had countless conversations about our future. Only for it all to come crashing down because of my rash decision to break up with her instead of seeing things through. I don't have the blessing of hope that we can find our way back to each other from her. I don't know if she can ever forgive me for breaking her heart. I did it once and I was already running on thin ice then. The sheet that was barely holding us above water snapped underneath our feet. We were running too fast and laughing too hard to recognize the cracks we'd left in our path. Until it was too late. Then the ice snapped from beneath our feet and tore us apart.

We're drowning in freezing cold water.

I should have at least tried to work some things out with her. The lying problem could have been an easy fix but now I'll never know. She never cheated on me and I knew that at the back of my mind, but I was too angry to force myself to see things from a reasonable angle. It was easier to see what I wanted to see than step back to take in the whole complex picture. Her problem with alcohol wasn't as bad as it had been weeks before. As long as I was beside her, putting silence to her mind, she didn't need any of that shit. All I had to do was be with her in some kind of way. I should have talked things through with her instead of breaking her apart in an argument before sending her off.

That was possibly the worst thing I could have done to her. Instead of calling it quits right away, I had to drag out our pain. Make us suffer in more torment than what was necessary. With my anger taking the reins, I was blinded to how truly cruel I was towards her in our final moments together. I triggered a memory in her troubled mind when I was speeding with her right beside me. I heard her distinct pleas, out of the corner of my eye I saw that terrified look crossing her face and I ignored it. Being vindictive and in rage does not excuse doing that to her. She relies on me to make her feel safe and I turned around and did the complete opposite.

It should have stopped there, but it didn't. Our anger at one another fueled into charged lust and that's already a bad concoction in and of itself. I kissed her to forget about the pain she'd caused me by feeding me another lie. I fucked her only to poorly attempt losing my anger within the pleasure. Obviously, that didn't work out because I used her. God, that feels sick to even think about. I let myself have an orgasm before leaving her on the counter without satisfying her. I've never done that to any of the girls I've slept with so why the hell was I inclined to do that to the girl I love? I very blatantly used her and didn't feel sorry about it until the last time she walked out of my bedroom. It was the last time we ever had sex and I forever tainted that memory by treating her like the girls before her, fucking her for pleasure and disgustingly, nothing more. The last time is always the one she's gonna remember the most.

And to finally top off the shit show of our fucked up day, I said things I shouldn't have. I impaled a knife in her and twisted it further than I should have let it go. Our last conversation was cold, heartless, and worst of all, spiteful. More so on my end which is bad enough, but she also had some traces of ruthlessness in her voice that was only there because of the way I came at her. I said my fair share of unspeakable things to her, almost all of them I didn't even mean, I just wanted to make her cry. I wanted to cause my girl pain in those final moments. Seeing the tears filling her eyes brought me more satisfaction than I'd ever like to admit. To myself or anybody. I love her. I don't want to hurt her. Or be the reason for her tears. I want to see her smile again. I want her in my arms again. She's the very reason I put an end to my bad habits.