Before We Bond ✓

c30: slapping

❝It’s not the fear of losing them
that scares us,
it’s that we have given them
so many of our pieces
that we fear losing
ourselves
when they are gone.❞

30

SLAPPING
平手打ち

. . . 

After what I estimated as a few seconds, I pushed myself off my friend and tried to normalise my breaths.

My shaky arms were still wrapped around his neck, and our eyes never left each other. I stared deep enough to see my reflection in his dewy eyes. His hands wrapped around my back, and I could feel his thumb rubbing circles on my skin.

Calm down, Cassandra. There is an explanation to what happened.

My eyes shifted to his chest, self-conscious of the connection we had. “Did you just kiss me?” I asked the obvious in a whisper.

“I did,” he replied confidently with a straight face.

My body started shaking more. “And I kissed you back?”

He nodded; proudly dare I say.

My hands grabbed fistfuls of his shirt until my knuckles turned white. My mind was void, and so was my heart. What we just did had changed many perspectives I had. It wasn’t a fleeting kiss—it was a kiss to my best friend in front of the man I had feelings for, and I agreed to it.

He removed my hands from his shirt. “Let’s leave,” he suggested.

I wanted to leave not just that reunion. I merely nodded and let him hold my hand for the way out. My eyes tried to search for Blake quickly in the crowd, but they didn’t find him. He disappeared as fast as he came. I wondered what he felt seeing that happen. I hoped it hurt him. I hoped it was worth all the pain he caused me throughout the recent months.

He is insensitive. Shit won’t affect him.

I was in an inner conflict that consumed my energy. Starting to wake up and see the truth more and more hurt my head like a sledgehammer. I didn’t deserve that immense pain that tugged at my heart—no one did. All I wanted then was peace and a proper explanation to what Noah did.

I rode in Noah’s car silently. “Why did you do that?” I asked once he rode in too, shoulders slumped down in defeat.

He started the engine. “Can’t you tell yet?”

“To make him jealous? Thank you for that, but I thought you were too moral to do such a thing,” I pressed on, rolling my eyes.

He sighed, squeezing the steering wheel. “No, Cassandra. That’s not it. He’s too cheap for me to move a finger.”

No, it couldn’t be… that. I didn’t talk anymore. I didn’t know what to say anyway. I feared my stupid mouth would say things that would complicate the situation even more. I waited for him to drive me home, but the destination he was driving to was different.

I squeezed my seatbelt between my fingers. “Where the hell are you taking me?”

He breathed. “Somewhere where we both can clear our minds,” Noah answered in a tone I didn’t recognise, as if he was my angry boss.

“And where is that?”

No answer.

He drove up a hill we used to visit when we were teenagers to chill and smoke alone away from everyone. It was far from where we lived. The memories hit me with a sense of nostalgia. We had good times and laughs in that place, talked our hearts out, and did things the world wasn’t supposed to see. The rush of doing prohibited things would run in my veins like a drug, getting me addicted.

He killed the engine and opened my door.

“Get off,” he announced, his head peeking inside the car.

I obliged, looking around to get familiar with my surroundings. “Why are we here?”

He gave me a stern look as if reprimanding me for not understanding what he was getting at yet. “To talk. About you. Blake. The kiss. Us.”

It started to make sense when he emphasised ‘us’. I understood why he did that, and why he was harsh to me back at Penelope’s. Noah and I were driven by different desires that whole time—we were never the same. I wanted to get to Blake, but he didn’t want Emily.

I gulped, hesitating to get closer to him. “Noah, do you… like me?”

He leant on the car hood, gazing up at the sky as he talked, “The sky is as empty of stars as your heart is from true love.”

“Answer me.”

He looked me in the eyes. “I liked you, Cassandra. It’s why Emily and I didn’t work anymore. Because I had feelings for another woman.”

I gasped. Liked? I wouldn’t blame him. I didn’t even like myself after what realising what I did. I was despicable. “Does she know it’s me?” I asked.

He shook his head sideways, still not looking my way. “She knows I left her because I liked someone else, and that hurt her pride and made her do ugly things. But she doesn’t know it was you.”

So, that’s why the girl avoided telling me more about their relationship. She wouldn’t want anyone to know she was left for another woman.

“Look what you are doing for someone who doesn’t deserve you.” Noah’s arms probed backwards on the car’s hood as he looked up at the sky. “I longed to kiss you. I longed to hold you as your one and only man, but I don’t think I do anymore.” He looked at me with a small, apologetic frown. “You’re not the same person I fell for.”

I covered my mouth as my eyes started to tear. In less than an hour, Noah managed to hurt me with his true feelings more than Blake hurt me with his lies. It came stronger from the people I trusted. It hurt more to know I scarred a close person and lost their trust somewhat.

“I’m sorry,” I apologised. It was the best I could do in my pathetic situation. “I could never tell. My sick goals blinded me, so I couldn’t see why you were hurting too. I’m… a monster.”

That new piece of info felt like my awakening alarm from a huge nightmare. I wanted to call it over. I didn’t want to go after Blake anymore, knowing I was hurting another precious person. It made me realise my love for him was shallow that it vanished with the first realisation of the truth.

Noah popped out a cigarette from his pack and lit it up between his lips. He snorted. “Remember when we both started smoking? We were such rebels. We have many memories together.”

I couldn’t smile at the memory. I was too ashamed, upset, embarrassed. I didn’t have the right to feel anything except disgraceful. I didn’t even have the right to hurt.

I walked closer to him and cupped his cheek. “I’m sorry. Please, forgive me,” I begged. I’d never be able to go on with my life if that guy didn’t genuinely forgive me.

He removed my hand away as if the touch annoyed him. He sounded drained when he said, “I’ll drive you home now, and we’ll continue this later.”

. . .

hit 30 chapters! 🥳🎉🎊

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