(Taehyung's pov)
I turn the faucet on, as the water starts spilling into the sink. Tears run down my face. I wash my hands with soap as I clean the last bits of French fries coated with bile and vomit, stench filling the bathroom, walls as yellow as the sun. My sun never shines. My days are never bright. I'm messed up. My mind keeps wandering as I thoroughly clean my fingertips. I rinse with mouthwash, 3 calories? It's better to overestimate, just in case. I wile myself dry. I look at myself in the mirror. The mirror is intact yet I'm broken. How can someone be so imperfect? Cheeks so chubby, eyes puffy, how can someone be so fat and ugly- how can I be so fat and ugly?
When a boy loses weight, especially a kpop idol, it's a success story. Everyone suddenly starts acknowledging him, and suddenly he exists. He finally fits in the society, the constant pats on his back, the congratulatory messages, "boy, you have lost weight, your muscles can be seen very good, you should continue", he feels happy, maybe after a very long time he's satisfied with himself, BUT, it is not enough, it is never enough. He is obsessed, he counts every calorie and he has this pink diary in which he writes everything down, he has written down the rude comments made by people earlier, he remembers how he used to get body shamed and he makes sure to never forget them, so he writes each and everything down. He wants thigh gaps and prominent collar bones and he wants to count each and every rib, that's utopia for him. Everyone sees how much weight he has lost and how handsome he has become, but they never look beyond that. Cause, he's too fat for it to become a problem. No one sees how he stands on the weight machine, cursing at himself cause, he needs to lose more. No one sees how he shivers, no one notices his dark circles and pale complexion, no one really sees that he is losing a lot of weight in very less time. NO ONE KNOWS THAT HE HIDES FOOD, THROWS THE FOOD AWAY AND COMPLETELY STARVES HIMSELF, NO ONE BLOODY KNOWS THAT HE HASN'T EATEN A SINGLE CALORIE FOR MORE THAN TWO WEEKS. No one thinks that he is sick, CAUSE HE IS TOO FAT FOR IT TO BECOME A PROBLEM. He wants to shout and cry for help but he won't, cause NOT EATING gives him something to be proud about, a purpose, he feels good, euphoric when he is hungry, his stomach asking for food cause it's too empty, so he places his cold hands on his tummy and 'shh' he says! He would not want anyone to hear his stomach rumbling. He knows that whatever he is doing is not right, but he refuses to believe it, cause he's fat and he can never have a problem, right? He knows that he might die doing this, but at least he will die thin! It's not like he avoids food, the thing is, he avoids eating. After all this, it's under control, isn't it? He can be all skin and bones, but the chubby boy is thin, that's all that matters, right? If he ever eats by mistake, he pukes it out purposely, he makes sure he's clean again, he's empty again. He would bend down the toilet seat, hold his hair back with one hand and the other hand, two fingers would be down inside his throat- he would gag and cough until everything is out for once and all, last but not the least. It's a cycle isn't it? This never stops. Does he want it to stop? Maybe, maybe not, who knows.
I force myself to come out of my spiralling thoughts as I open the washroom latch and face the world again- face them again.
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Author's note
Hey lovelies, I'm back and this time I'm not gonna leave. It's been so long, I've had my reasons. I'm sorry I was MIA. I promise I'm here now. Requests are open. Love you all. Stay tuned for more updates.
