The Bad Boys' Soft Boys' Lonely Hearts Club - The Full Package

Chapter 3: Storming The Necrodancer's Keep

Kingdoms have risen and died on the battlefield, and here is no exception. One look at the scorched earth before us shows a snapshot of the titans of history's past. Ragnar the Mighty, Cagliostro the Swift, Bombey the Perfectly Adequate, all rose to fame on this land, and lost it in one fell swoop of an enemy's sword. The soil beneath my feet feels alive with the blood of warriors and glory. On any other day, I would be awestruck by this awesome sight. No aw is given today.

On our side, Brayden, the Sorcerer Supreme - or so he calls himself because he has a "Supreme'' branded robe which gives him, and I quote, "drip points to his Disney channel flow" - is using his metal contraption of high-speed information incessantly. "yo, daddy got a bunny to save from a makeup factory or whatever. can we get a move on?"

My blade, Thothbane, is throbbing with anticipation. Speaking of throbbing...

"Don't expect this to be a fast affair, small one," says Hayden, the black white mage. Not that he used black magic, only that he didn't feel comfortable with people calling him a white wizard. "I'll take my sweet time in fisting this asshole to kingdom come. Why are you laughing?"

"Nothing," I say. I can't even make a joke here. It writes itself. As for the asshole, that would be Farfalla, the Necrodancer. Also known as the curly-headed douchebag at the other side of the Bloddy Battlefield of One Too Many D's.

"Well, hello, bunghole corsairs of Margallar!" yells Farfalla, her ebony locks flowing in the cold, bitter wind, but not as cold as the icy heart. Also, she's a dick. "I see you managed to fell my Atio warriors."

"We felled your Atios alright," says Hayden. "They came at us fast, but we finished them off in a few seconds. They didn't last long. Why are you laughing?"

"nothing, boo. you do you," says Brayden. "now, let's get this over with. come at me, sis!"

Farfalla gives us a shining smile, her teeth as white as the bones littering the battlefield. "Ah, I shall come, but not to fight you, but to your funeral! You fools are in my domain now. Witness the power of the necrodancer!"

Her dubstep wand woop-woops and *insert blender noises here*, making sound ripples that engulf the battlefield, and the bodies above it. The rustle of bones is deafening as corpse after corpse rises from their shallow grave, all the while horrible EDM emanates from Farfalla!

"Fell them into nothing, boyos!" she yells like a rum bootlegger from the '20s.

I guess we can't avoid it. I tried to be civil, Thor knows this. You would too if you were here for the first two chapters, but believe me, you don't want that. This is the best outcome. If bitch wants to fight, bitch will get a fight.

The skellyboyos slowly walk towards us while making the flossing dance things tweens randomly do just about anywhere. Time to get somewhat serious. It has been some time since my sword drank the blood of the enemy, and this kitten is very thirsty.

The blackstone blade of Thothbane glistens with the blood moon, quivering with anticipation. "Brayden, I'll carve you an opening. As soon as you see black curls, singe them with a fireball."

Brayden keeps checking his cellp-I mean, metal contraption of highspeed information, all the while blowing me a raspberry. "yeah, that's gonna be a no for me, dawg. i don't fuck with fire no more. fire spells are soo second age. i only use green earth magic now."

"Didn't you burn down that puppy-skinning village like, two quests ago?" asked Hayden.

"that bitch is my past me. don't bring those vibes now."

"Can we talk about that later?" I say as the flossing skeletons - which is a cursed phrased all on itself - are looming towards us. "Brayden, just shoot her a leaf or whatever new age bullshit you're on."