Train Wreck

thirty four

I shrugged and stood, walking toward the kitchen while I spoke, "Guess this is one way to bond, eh?"

The kitchen counter already had a spread of lunch meat and cheese laid out as Benji created what appeared to be an Italian sub on one of our leftover brioche rolls. He grabbed a knife from the silverware drawer for the mayo then slid the jar toward me, "You're making one also, right?"

I nodded, grabbing a plate then starting to layer mortadella and ham with provolone cheese. Benji passed the spicy mustard and put away the ingredients as we finished preparing our food, cleaning as we went just like Lissy always demonstrated.  He hummed a moment while staring in the fridge, grabbing a huge jar of whole dill pickles and setting it on the counter.  I reached forward and twisted the top, the lid opening with a satisfying pop so he could reach in with tongs and grab one for himself before placing one on my plate also.

Not a word was spoken.

Tension radiated off his body and in every move he made.  The muscles in his arms were tense, making movements more difficult.  I noticed Benji's jaw tighten while he gritted his teeth, even while simply getting a bottle of Gatorade from the fridge.

"Benj..." I started, but his icy glare stopped my words.

"Save it, dude."

I looked down, trying to regroup and find another way to get through to him but Benji continued. "I'm not interested in any of your bullshit about how you're not going anywhere and it'll be okay. It's not okay. So what do we do now?"

My mind was racing as I thought but I stopped myself and stared straight into his eyes, standing tall as I took a deep breath to focus. 

Now is the time to take charge of this family the way I will need to when Dad passes away.

My voice was low and steady as I spoke, showing my conviction and determination. "Benji, you are going to go back in there and keep watching the movie so you can give your leg a break. We'll play with Peach later and this next week I'll bring Dad by every single day unless you guys want to bring the puppy to our house sometime as well. We are going to take this one day at a time so we can find out footing.  I don't know what will happen, but what I do know is that Alice needs us to stick together.  Can you be on my team here and help me build this family from the ground up?"

He studied me a moment, his dark eyes looking for any sign of deception. I must have passed since Benji let out a long breath, "Okay. I can do that. I can be your hero support and keep trying to work together."  He paused, brow furrowed, before finishing with a fist bump, "Thanks, bro."

His boot clanked as he made his way back to the living room while I took a moment to run to the bathroom. Alice gave me free reign to use her room if needed so I shut the door behind me, staring at this room full of her things.  It was fascinating to see everything Lissy around me.  The shirt she was wearing at the pond this morning was crumpled in the hamper, her laptop was on top of the barely made bed, plus boxes lining the walls that still needed to be unpacked.

They have not even been here two weeks.

I peeked around at photos she had hanging on the wall a moment, studying her face at her college graduation only a month or so ago as Benji proudly stood at her side.

She is so young and yet has been through so much.

My head filled with "What If's" that I could no longer stop.

What if we met in Atlanta?  I could have prevented the three of us from ever dealing with the train crash that is causing so much pain in our bodies.