>>> reasons to live <<<

six

on tuesday morning, bruce doesn't feel good. he feels lightheaded and his heart is beating too fast for his liking. he's not stupid and he knows that his symptoms are probably due to his lack of food. he doesn't want to pass out or worry his mother so he eats a poptart and an apple for breakfast. this is the most food he's had at once in more than a week and he already feels less dizzy. his pulse returns to normal and he gets ready to leave for school. he locks the door of his house and checks his phone. "fuck!" bruce exclaims when he sees that it is 7:35am. he begins running to the bus stop and gets there just in time. he sits down in the first seat he sees and tries to catch his breath. he feels even worse than he did this morning, but he puts on his headphones and tries to ignore the pain in his head.

when the bus stops, he slowly stands up and tries to keep his balance. as usual, tony is waiting for him at his locker. "bruce, we need to talk about what happ- woah, dude, what happened to you?""no-nothing, tony. i'm f-fine. please go away," bruce stutters, leaning against his locker. tony puts his hand on bruce's forehead, "i don't know, you seem pretty sick." "t-tony, please!" bruce tries to sound stern, but his voice comes out small. bruce pleads with tony with his eyes and tony can see the desperation bruce is feeling. he doesn't know what to do, but he does know his friend by hand he knows that he can't convinced bruce to do anything he doesn't want to. tony sighs, "bruce, i'll leave you alone for now, but this conversation isn't over. i'll be at yours after you get off tonight." "t-tony, you ca-" bruce starts but tony puts his hand up, cutting him off, "i am coming over after you get off. no arguments, bruce." it's tony's turn to use a harsh tone and bruce shrinks. bruce slowly grabs his books and closes his locker. he all but stumbles down the hall into his first class and sits in his seat beside thor.

thor smiled at bruce as he sat down, but his smile immediately turned to concern when he noticed the state that bruce was in. "bruce, oh my goodness, are you okay?" bruce laughed weakly but bitterly, "no, thor. w-why do you even care?" thor is taken by surprise, "uh... i told you yesterday that i wanted to be your friend." his tone is confused and his face is hurt. bruce feels a pang of guilt, but fires back quickly, "i don't need anyone thor. not you, not tony, not anyone. stop pitying me." thor looks down at his hands for a second and, when he looks back up, his eyes are shining with unshed tears, "i'm not pitying you, bruce. i truly want to be your friend. but if you don't want to be mine, there's nothing i can do about it." bruce opens his mouth to say something- anything. an apology, a plea, anything- but he's cut off by mr. macclan. bruce closes his mouth, turns to face the board, and tries not to pass out. thor looks down at his desk and tries not to let his tears fall. 'why do i care so much?' thor thinks to himself as he tunes out his teacher, 'what is it about him?'

after class, bruce avoided thor's gaze as he packed his stuff up. he left the room as quickly as his condition would allow and put in his earbuds in the hallway. he spent the rest of the day like that, trying to keep his balance, avoiding people's gazes and whispers, keeping his head down until the final bell rang and he could leave. his phone buzzed and he saw a text from tony. 'i will be there at 10:15. we are going to talk about this,' bruce read the text and sighed. he got ready for work, waited for the bus, and suffered through his shift. after he lost his balance one too many times, his boss sent him home two hours early, despite bruce's protests. "there's something wrong with you, kid. you need to go to a hospital. this isn't like you," his boss had said, sending him on his way.

he thought about his boss' words as he walked to his house. '"this isn't like you"? what if this is like me. what if i'm a crazy fuck up who wants to suffer? what if i'm not as smart as everyone seems to think? what if i'm broken?' he finally arrives home and unlocks the door. it's 8:37pm and bruce's head is pounding. he needs to eat, he can feel his stomach grasping for anything it can, he knows that he will just get worse if he keeps on like this but bruce does care. he doesn't want to be here. he doesn't want to be anywhere. he takes some medicine and sits on the couch, waiting for tony's inevitable visit.

'i wish i had never been born.'