Sincerely, Millie

Chapter 15 - Coffee with a Side of Answers

"He's gonna be a problem, isn't he?" The voice comes from behind me. I was standing in the kitchen making some variation of coffee at the back counter, standing silently in the dimly lit kitchen. I'd put Alex to bed hours ago, the day had drained the kid.

"Which 'he'? The father of my child or the one that wishes he was?" I turn to face my oldest brother, who had concern etched on his face.

"Numero dos" He holds up two fingers, raising an eyebrow at me.

I let out a short laugh, "Nah, he knows if he tries anything, he'll be causing more problems for himself than anybody else. Guys like that? All talk, the most he'll do is trash my apartment and he won't even admit he's the one who did it. Coward. The only word to describe him."

He stands there for what feels like an hour, scanning my face for any sign of exaggeration before speaking once more, "So, Chris, huh?"

Yet another dry laugh escapes me, "Don't even start, Cole"

Cole raises his hands in a mocking surrender, before turning to leave, "You're gonna have to face him eventually, I mean, really face him, sis."

I roll my eyes, flipping him off as he walks away. How many times do I have to hear that before they finally shut up?

As if like clockwork, as Cole leaves, Chris enters. I turn back to stirring the newly filled mug.

"Do you not have somewhere else to be? Like seriously, anywhere else?" 

"Little late for coffee, no?" His tone is mocking as he leans on the centre island, arms folded over his muscular chest.

"Decaf." I say simply, bringing the mug to my lips before taking a small sip and turning to face him, "What do you want, Chris?"

"Would if be too soon to say 'you'?" His smirk speaks louder volumes than his words as he scans my face with with those soft grey eyes I love so much.

"Too late." I correct, not missing a beat. 

His eyes fall from my own, his body relaxes slightly, "Suppose I deserve that one." The softness is his voice, laced with a Southern twang, has me take aback and I swear, I felt my heart skip a beat as a sigh leaves his mouth.

'Four god damned years," He muttered incredulously, "I fucked up, Princess."

The pain in his eyes as he stares deep in my soul burns a hole in my heart, I knew I'd forgive him, maybe not now, but eventually, how could I not? That's why I didn't want to hear his story because i knew, for whatever reason, it would be good enough to excuse his absence. Once upon a time, my life began and ended with Chris. 

But once upon a time isn't forever, it isn't now. I can't let him just walk back into my life and forgive him like nothing ever happened. Like he didn't leave me to raise our child alone. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, he wasn't actually as aware of Alex's existence as I had initially thought, something me and Max were going to talk about at great lengths when I get my hands on the fucker but it wasn't from lack of trying. That was on him.

"Royally." I replied, refusing to meet his gaze.

"You know..." He starts.

"What, Chris? What do I know?" I push myself off the counter, "I thought I knew you, I thought I had all the answers. I thought it was you and me, Chris and Millie against the world. You were the man I dreamed of, the man I was gonna marry, the man I'd grow old with. But I was wrong, turns out it was me against the world and you were the leader of all the problems it cause." I close my eyes, taking a deep breath, "But that's on me," I continued softly, exhaling deeply, "I put you on a pedestal you couldn't dream of living up to. You ran, it's what you do, it's what you've always done. I was just the one stupid enough to believe I could change you."

We stood there silent for the longest time, his eyes pleaded what his mouth couldn't, but he didn't argue, he didn't fight back. He stood there, staring, before closing his eyes and leaving his head on the extractor fan hanging from the ceiling.

'It's you Millie, it always has been you."

'And yet you still left. What? Was it too much for you to handle? Did the idea of loving someone finally catch up to you? Was little Chrissy scared?" I knew what I was saying was harsh, but it had built up inside me for four god damned years with absolutely no release, no answers, no nothing, "You're a fucking coward, Chris. You run because its easy. Cause at he end of the day life is a hell of a lot easier to run form than to face. How does it feel? Hm? to know in all the time you'd spent running, you had a son? In all the time you spent ignoring me, I was raising your child? I can't imagine that feels to great."

His jaw was clenched, his entire face morphing into an unrecognisable expression but he didn't respond, he took my abuse. I needed him to know how I felt, how him leaving left me more broken than even my mother's death had. How fucked is that?

"I loved you, Chris." I paused, my tone softening, "And after everything, what fucks me up the most is that no matter how hard I try to stop, I know, I still do. Even though, I should hate you for moving on, forgetting about me, I still fucking love you more than anything I've ever known. That hurts me more than you ever could."

Pouring the contents of the mug into the sink behind me, I turn to leave, I wasn't ready to sleep, so my brightest idea was to go to the stables. I didn't expect him to follow but since when did he follow my expectations.

"I didn't leave because I was scared of how you made me feel." He announces as I'm half way across the snow covered lawn, melting away with the rain. "Out of all the things in this world, my love for you was the only that made sense"

I scoffed at his words, "And yet you still left. Not a word. Not even a peep of an explanation."

"I fucked up, Princess" I scoffed once more, turning to head for the stables once more. It only takes him a few strides to catch up to me before he grabs my bicep, pulling me to a halt, "Axel died because of me. Because I was some punk ass kid who couldn't keep his mouth shut. For all I knew, you were next. I could barely live with myself knowing Axel died because of my mistakes, do you really think I'd be able to live with myself if you had? Yeah, Axel was my best friend but you were lifeline, Millie.  Simply knowing you were alive and breathing was enough to keep me going. Everything I've ever done, everything I'll ever do, was to keep you safe."

"How did you leaving help me?" I didn't meet his eyes but i pull my arm out of his iron clad grip.

"I knew wherever I went, they'd follow. At the time, it was simple. I just didn't realise how hard it would be knowing your life continued without me in it."

"Oh, don't worry, next time you up and leave in the middle of the night, I'll be sure to stop living in hope you'll come back" My reply is laced with sarcasm.

He sighed, "I know you don't trust me, I know I hurt you..."

"No," I scoff, "You didn't hurt me, you broke me and I had to fix it, all that damage, all the people you hurt? I fixed that, not you. Me. you can't just come back and expect me to forgive you"

Chris took one step closer to me, a tear fell down my burning cheeks but was almost indistinguishable form the rain that poured down around us, drenching us from head to toe, "I don't expect you to forgive me, all I want is the opportunity to earn it. Please. If not for me, then for Alex. I want to get to know my kid, Princess, and I want us to be okay when I do"

I was drained, emotionally and physically. Facing the only guy, barring family, you let yourself love does that to you. Nonetheless, reluctantly, I nod. Before i have the chance to process what's happening, he pulls me into a hug. 

His hug woke something up inside of me, what, i don't really know. What I do know, however, is that i became hyperaware of everything. The way the rain felt against my skin, the way his arms felt wrapped around my waist as they lifted me to a comfortable height, how perfectly his overly large body fit against my body. In that moment, nothing in the world mattered but us.

Boy, was I in trouble.