Sincerely, Millie

Chapter 6 - There's Nothing Worse Than Feeling Worthless

Slowly chewing the piece of cookie in my mouth, I sigh, looking down at the partially eaten cookie in my hands, "I speak to Wren every now and then, I've heard a thing or two from Olly but nothing from Max since I was last here. Carol, well, she calls at least once a month to make sure her grandson is doing good and says hello on Johnny's behalf but that's about it." Esme looks at me hesitantly "so, nothing from..." before she can finish, our father interrupts her, sternly shouting "Esme!" putting my hand up between the two before they both start getting defensive, "dad, leave it, I'm not emotionally wrecked, I don't need you defending me when topic of Chris arises. I can handle myself" I start, now turning towards Esme "and you, why do you even bother asking? It has been 4 god damned years, I'm probably the last thing he'll be thinking about right now"

"How can you say that when he is most likely the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning and the last thing you think of at night?" She asks calmly

"Because I have something that he doesn't" I reply, knowing I would regret what I was about to say "a constant reminder of what I don't have anymore and will never have again." With that I walk out the kitchen towards the stairs leading upstairs, only to find Seth walking down them once again, as I go to walk past him he grabs my arm, "Whoa, easy there, what happened?" He asks me, genuinely worried. "Nothing, don't worry about it" I say, holding back the tears that threatened to escape.

"Don't bullshit me speedy, what happened?" I looked up to him with pleading eyes, begging him to not make me talk about it "please, Seth" I whisper, barely even hearing it myself. Kissing me on the head, he looks down "Get some sleep, speedy" he starts, making me sigh in relief, "we'll talk in the morning."

After my small talk with Seth, I wander up the stairs and to my old room. Nothing's changed, its all still the same. Two of the four walls were painted white and the other two, black, on the only free black wall, there was a collage of photos, overtaking the entire area of it. Pictures from when I was a kid to when I graduated college, I have a few stray photos of Alex on there too from the last time I was here. To this day, I hadn't really brought myself to take down the photos of Chris and me, or of Chris and Axel, because they were still memories I cherished deeply in my heart, memories I couldn't dream of erasing.

The rest of my room fit in with the colour scheme of my wall, retro, black and white, I remember in high school, I was obsessed with both colours due to the fact that they had no story, it's like seeing things for what they really were or seeing them for what really mattered, there was always some sort of deep meaning behind anything I possessed. The double-doors that led to the small balcony outside, were flooded with white curtains, matching my white, silk duvet that seemed freshly cleaned, the curtains over the doors also matched the curtains that hung on my four-post bed that stood against the white, left-side wall. Opposite, my neatly made bed is a flat screen TV that was mounted on the wall above my chest of drawers. On my draws was a small jewellery box that was once owned by my mother, it was white and gold. Designed by my great grandmother, my mother always told me that the beautiful box was destined to be mine, I don't really understand why she said that and she didn't elaborate on it.

A knock on my thick wooden door brings me back to reality "Yo, Millie, you decent?" I hear the voice of my best friend ask. "Yeah, Trippe" I answer simply, slowly sitting on the end of my double bed. As he walks into my room, Trippe stops for a second as if he'd been wacked in the face with something "Damn, if this isn't a blast from the past I don't know what it" he mutters quietly but loud enough for me to hear. Slipping off my Vans old Skool's, the soft white carpet felt heavenly beneath my worn out feet. As I look down to the floor, Trippe asks "Mills, are you alright? I was just heading to one of the guest rooms when Seth said you looked upset"

"I'm good, Trippe, you shouldn't worry so much, you'll get wrinkle" I remark with a tried smile, "Are you sure?" he utters quietly, kneeling down in front of me "You know you can talk to me, right?" Looking up to meet trips eyes, I nod "Yeah, Trippe, I know"