ALL THE LOVE WE LEAVE BEHIND

Chapter 41

"So then you also know that it wasn't Dylan's fault! It was Tyler's- he set him up." I raised my voice, as she dismissed me- still keeping her tone low.
"I'm not saying Dylan did anything wrong."
"-No, you're just trying to guilt-trip me into staying with you!"I caught myself yelling, as her eyes beckoned with despondency.
"That or I'm trying to protect my daughter from being set up by someone there!" She exhaled, heightening her voice a notch, but still not losing her temper- I was always envious of the way she managed to do that - be in an argument, yet appear so unfazed, that even if she was holding a knife in the midst of a murder, no one would even think she was a suspect.
"Dylan isn't the only one that can be framed for a crime he didn't commit, and perhaps one of the reasons why Tyler lost the case is because he wasn't a citizen there. He was a boy who didn't know how to handle the fire he caused, but imagine if it was someone else - someone who knew British law well enough to trick you or him or anyone into getting convicted. Contacts matter Blair, time, resources, friends - all that matters- and you'll learn that as you grow older, but right now- I can't let you go all the way to the UK, while I'm left fretting as I wonder if my daughter is safe or not? Yes! If you want to go for vacation, for another trip, by all means go- but living there? I can't let you do that! Not while you're still living under my roof!"
"So you're okay with me going anywhere in the US? Even if it's 10,000 miles from here? Even if it's away from Boston? If no one from the family can come there?"
I miserably argued back. Of course, I knew she was making sense. I wasn't an idiot. She had the composure, she had the facts to back up her logic, but most of all she held concern and worry for me.
She had every reason to be right, and in that moment, I was aware of how wrong I was. Even my mind admitted it, but after my last fight with Dylan, losing to another person in the span of 48 hours wasn't something I was ready to silently accept- if that made me inexorably stupid, then so be it. But I wasn't backing down. It seemed, though, that neither was she.
"No Blair. If it were up to me, I'd want you here, in Boston, with us. Because even when you're in Florida, we miss so much. Your sister got engaged , and you found out through text and I don't care how much you say it didn't bother you, I know it did, because it bothered me that all my babies weren't together. It hurt me when there was an empty seat at the dining table. It stung me when I had to plan dinners and events for Lauren, knowing that my own daughter won't be able to show up for them, so of course, I would love nothing more than for you to stay close by, but if what you really want is to be in a different city - then I'll give you that."
I could tell she was catching on for breath, but after one singular pause, she continued,
"You can go anywhere you want Blair, the world is your oyster- but that has to be in the States - go to New York, Seattle, Chicago. Hell! I'll even send you to Texas, but it has to be in America because I can't go to sleep knowing that if you get in trouble, I can't save you- I- I just can't do that to myself Blair, and I can't do that to you. I can't put you in a position where you feel defenseless or stuck. I just can't." There was a flutter in her voice at the end, and that was probably the only thing that convinced me that whatever she was saying - was the truth. She wouldn't be able to lie with such flair - not ever. That was always her weak point.

"I'm sorry." I let out."I'm sorry for not being with the family, for not being with you." The bittersweet words that her mouth held melted through my heart, and as badly as I wished I could be on the winning side, even I had to admit that this is where I lost. This is where I needed to lose - in order to win something more."I didn't know you felt that way when I left. Honestly, I just wanted to get as far away from you guys as I could."
She nodded, as she laughed away a tear.
"Oh, I know! You remind me of me in that way."
"You were a rebel?" I raised my eyebrow.
"Of course, I was."
She boldly spoke as I grew intrigued to hear what devilish story she had up her sleeve. "It took a lot to get my father to pay my tuition fee for law school. He always thought if I went into the field, I'd come out arrogant and greedy. He believed lawyers were mercenaries." She chuckled as she reminisced about him.
"Then what happened? How did you convince him to let you take it?" I asked, as she looked up.
"I didn't." She admitted.
"He just saw how much I loved it, and gave in."

"How?" I questioned, as my eyes unconsciously lit up. "How'd he see?"
"Because he's my father Blair, and parents know when their kid is driven by something that takes away their sleep, makes them lose their appetite, conquers every nerve in their mind. When you see your kid pondering over a piece of paper, a file, a canvas."
She stressed on the last part, as she continued, "You just know that this is what they want, and even though you may not see a future there, you have no other choice but to bend over and give into it. But see, it's not always bending or caving in, it's more like seeing your child finally happy doing something they love every single day. That's what made his loath for the subject subside. That's what made him fall in."
Her lips curved as the most radiant smile flashed across her face.
That's when I saw it- I saw her, but more importantly, I saw myself in her. The woman I wanted to become - my mother. I wanted to be her. I wanted to be just like her - powerful, kind, compassionate and full of love. Even knowing that I was on the pathway of becoming her, even only a single step forward, made me prouder than I had ever been before. That is when I knew I had to tell her.

"Mom." I took in my breath, as she nodded her head.
"I want to pursue art." I let out, without hesitating, as her smile grew deep, shattering away every fear I had and replacing it with fortitude.