Changing Tune

38. Talk to me

Chapter 38: Talk to me

Ellie's POV

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It was strange getting ready to go out that night. I knew that things were not going to be the same by the time I got back home. The town was going to know that I had a new boyfriend, but it was not going to be the boyfriend I wanted to shout about from the rooftops.

Jordan was not the boyfriend I wanted everybody to know about, but he was the one people had to see with me.

No matter how much I tried to comprehend what I had gotten myself into, I still could not wrap my head around it. One minute I was writing a song with Blake and all these feelings just come rushing in, and the next I had to lie to hide all of that.

My family had always taught me to be true to myself, no matter how successful I would once become. Going out in public felt like I was betraying them.

Them, and Blake.

I could not get Blake's face out of my head. How hurt and upset he looked. We were both prepared for what was going to happen before we agreed to be together, but I could not blame him for feeling the way he did.

The feelings which we both had for each other were new, and it certainly was not an easy start to our relationship.

With a sigh, I looked at myself in the mirror, my eyes scanning my own face. I couldn't even recognise myself anymore. No matter how much I loved the clothes that they made me wear, they were not me. I was not a girl who wore leather or tall boots. Dark circles had also started forming under my eyes with all of the sleepless nights I had spent studying, only for my grades to drop.

I was exhausted, both mentally and physically. The inner battle I was constantly going through was one which I needed to keep quiet. It was the one thing I had never told Leah about, and I was extremely happy about that.

How was I supposed to be taken seriously if people knew just how broken I mentally was? The older I got, the worse my mental health became. I started losing touch with reality, and losing touch with the person I once was.

My life was never a terrible one. I had a big family, with many people who loved me. So many people had told me that they wish that they lived a life as happy as I was. I was constantly smiling, but that did not mean that I was smiling on the inside too.

I had spent years trying to suppress my inner demons. Years trying to convince everybody that there was nothing wrong with me. Mental health had turned into a joke, and I did not want to be one of their clowns.

It wasn't fair. I had everything. I was supposed to be happy. My family was one of the best I could have ever asked for. I had great friends, and an amazing boyfriend, and I was following my dreams. But my mind didn't care about any of that. It's hard to fight the demons within, especially when they had gotten so much stronger than me.

My lack of mental health was not something which I had asked for, and it was not something which I could just get rid of.

I hated saying it, but being in the band only made it worse. Those thoughts made me feel so guilty. I had the opportunity to do the thing I loved with people I loved even more, but I was also losing myself along the way.

But I could not give it up. Giving it up would have meant that all of the sacrifices the guys and I made were for nothing. Giving it up meant that everything Blake and I went through to hide our relationship was for nothing. It meant that I was nothing.