One step beyond

15. My new personal 'escort'

Chapter 15

One of the many things you learn when you shut off your emotions and feelings, and tend to ignore them is that you simply don't care. You are too dark to care. You feel as though everything that ever made you feel weak and hopeless is now gone, or not necessarily gone, just ignored, and put away from your perimeter of thoughts and priorities. I'd lie if I say it wasn't peaceful, it makes you have no care, carefree.

"I am gonna miss you" said Lou, for the umpteenth time since I stepped foot in the airport, where she is going to board her plane and leave to Malaysia forever. It is official, my best friend is leaving and moving half-way across the globe for good.

As of right now, I am pushing my feelings to the side. The furthest I have felt ever since yesterday is the physical pain I feel because I have been standing for too long. I cried too much for the fact that she is leaving, and I have suffered so much mental pain and grief that I think it don't have any left. I am not going to use my emotions again, using them will not make her stay. It will only make her feel bad, as if she doesn't feel bad enough, and I cannot hurt her, not mentally nor emotionally. I will do my best to protect the people I care about and love, Lou included.

"I'll miss you too." I said, putting as much emotion as I could into my words, but I think I failed because I sounded like a dead zombie with no heart telling someone that they love them, when really they feel nothing. I felt like a liar, but you know what else I felt.

I felt like I don't even care.

She looked at me weirdly, then she looked around as if seeing if anyone was around us or at ear sight. No one was. Her little sister, Mia was busy playing with her teady bear, with a slight frown on her face. Her parents were both on the phone, either saying goodbye to someone or taking flight precautions.

She then looked at me, with concern in her eyes, "are you okay?" She asked.

"Why are you asking?" I sighed, crossing my arms in front of my chest.

She looked taken back by my action, as she rose her eyebrow, "it's just," she looked around then sighed, "you look a little off lately. Ever since I called you last night you seemed- off." I didn't want to ask her how I looked off, because Well, that would lead to her saying how I look like an emotionless brick of wall and me having to come up with a lie to tell her, and all of this seemed to take a lot of effort in my head, and I had no patience or care to having this conversation. Not now, not ever.

"I am fine, Lou. You're just a little paranoid because you're leaving." I sighed, once again for the umpteenth time.

"I am paranoid?" She asked with a hint of hurt in her eyes. "What do you mean I am paranoid?" She asked, copying my gesture of crossing her arms.

I rolled my eyes, "that's not what I meant and you know it."

"Then what do you mean?" She fired back

"I don't want to talk about it." I snapped. She seemed so taken back this time that she actually took a step back. I sighed, "I am sorry. I don't want to talk about me right now, okay? You're leaving and I don't want you to worry about me. I am just having a hard time at home."

She sighed, "fine." Then she looked away as if clearing her head. I rose my eyebrows at her actions. She looked at me."I am sorry too. I shouldn't have pushed off the subject." Then she held eye contact with me for a moment. "That doesn't change the fact that y-" she was cut of by the sound filling the entire airport.

"last call for passengers boarding flight 230 heading to Malaysia." The sound rung through the air.

Lou then looked at me, "well that's our last call." She frowned. "I'll miss you so much." She said as she pulled me into a bone crushing hug, which I gladly returned.