The Death Cure Trials (TMR Love Triangle)

Four - The Scorch Trials

"Drop everything now, meet me in the pouring rain."

Thomas

We're moving now, we've just arrived in the mountains I think.

Her voice rung over and over in my head, every time she spoke I heard it, it was like an angelic symphony, though it practically fell upon deaf ears. I had figured it out by now that she thought she couldn't communicate with me, but I knew for sure she could, I was able to hear every single attempt. 

Penelope has the sort of voice that you hear and wish for it to repeat, like a cassette tape or a radio, one of the ones that I can remember from before the maze. Her voice isn't high-pitched nor low-pitched, it's simply in between far too little and far too much, and I feel like a fool for finding it so heavenly addictive.

I miss her voice, if I'm honest with myself, though I find it hard to admit that part out loud, especially to Newt. I miss the way she'd laugh so incredibly loud at any joke, especially if the joke was awful and she wanted whoever said it to feel better. I miss the way she would hum if you played with her hair, and then scream when you scare her. I miss everything, really, and it feels almost insufferable to be so lonely in this world, even when I'm surrounded by some of the gladers as we make up our ascend to the mountains.

I'm not strong enough to communicate with Penelope, not physically nor mentally, especially when I thought she had died in the maze, or got left behind. It broke me in so many different, unexplainable ways, even in ways that I have yet to realise, and maybe this is me trying to avoid confrontation with my inner demons after seeing the things I did, doing what I had to do, everything, all of the trauma that was endured just to get out of the maze. Sometimes I wonder if it would've been better if we stayed in the maze in the first place, at least that way I wouldn't be having these terrifying thoughts, and the PTSD that still keeps me awake at night after seeing the light fade from Chuck's eyes, and after never getting to say a proper goodbye to Penelope. Perhaps this is my way of coping and trying to understand the fact that the girl I genuinely love is still alive, but I'm not sure if I want it to be.

I knew I loved Penelope when I got angry at her, and yelled at her, and I genuinely wish I hadn't done so. I'd have been content the whole time while escaping W.I.C.K.E.D. if I thought my final words to her weren't out of toxicity. Aris had been there with me the whole time, consoling me and telling me she's still alive. He said that he simply just knew that shew as still alive, and their weird connection made me oddly jealous in a brotherly way.

Of course, I hadn't told Newt that she was alive yet, neither had Aris. How do you tell the guy who's hopelessly in love with my girl that she's still alive? As selfish as it sounds, I'd rather not tell Newt because I know there's a reason that she can talk to me through her mind and not Newt. 

I don't know how Newt would react if I told him Penelope was alive, but I knew he'd been slowly losing his mind after we lost her back in the maze. When we were running through the maze, he didn't speak a word to anyone except Frypan, occasionally, and he didn't even blink when Winston or Chuck died, nor when Jack died. I don't know how he's coping with everything that has been thrown at him, but it's like he's grieving silently. Never quite letting us know what's going on in his head, and it's almost terrifying for that very reason.

She chose me, perhaps, or maybe W.I.C.K.E.D. chose me, but nevertheless, I'm grateful for it and spend every minute of every day trying to communicate back with her, even though I'm certain that it won't work. I'd love to communicate back with Penny, and I've tried probably a thousand times over and over again; all that comes from my futile attempts are throbbing migraines and disappointment. Every single time.

When Penelope spoke to me this morning, she said they were nearing the mountains, and so are the rest of us from the maze, except we picked up Jorge, Brenda, Aris and a couple others along the way. I can't help my intrusive thoughts from constantly questioning whether she's going to be with the group we're working with, the mountain people, Newt had called them.

Even so, I can't help but doubt that thought, knowing that it'd mean Penelope is a part of The Right Arm, it seemed so out of character for the girl I used to know in the maze. If I'm honest, I wish I could go back to the maze a lot, just tell her how I feel about her. 

In the maze, Penelope was outgoing, sure, but she was also obedient to whatever anyone told her to do, and I really hope she'd grown to be more independent throughout this whole experience. It always broke my heart to see how torn she'd get when Newt would tell her what to do, or when I'd kiss her and she'd just put up with it. Penelope is far too much of a pushover, and I think this in the nicest way possible, because even so, I know that I'm madly in love with her.

"C'mon Tommy, we're gonna have to ditch this car soon.." Newt's voice rung in my ears as Jorge continued to guide and drive us down the deserted country lanes, and I simply nodded my head in some sort of nonverbal response. 

Newt was always one step ahead of me. Of course I'm not angry at him, I know he's my best friend, and I know he deserves the world, but why does he want my world? Penelope seemed like the perfect girl, but she seemed like she liked me while she was simply far too in love with Newt at the same time.

I'm always one step behind, constantly lacking, maybe that's why Minho is the leader of us all, as imprinted on his W.I.C.K.E.D. tattoo. 

"Is she still talking to you?" Aris' voice came out in a hushed whisper, and I nearly jumped out of my skin at the sound of it, having not expected to be addressed directly. I shook my head, letting my invisible thought bubble which once consumed me evaporate as I let out a soft sigh, Aris rubbing my shoulder comfortingly.

"I'm sure she'll keep trying, you just have to make your presence known. She believes you're alive, y'know? Therefore she wants to talk to you." Aris continued talking, but his words began fading in and out, and I found myself zoned out once again as he tried talking to me.

It was something that had become quite a habit of mine, to ignore people, and I knew I never intended to, nor did I ever intend any harm by doing so, but it always got me in trouble with Brenda when she would notice I do it. I'd like to blame it on the exhaustion, the constant moving around, and the dehydration of the scorch, but since Brenda and I danced, high on whatever the hell Marcus gave us, I haven't been feeling right.

Perhaps it's depression, or confusion, either way I know that I need to see Penelope again soon, to set things right, to make things better between us. I need to know that it's really her who's trying to talk to me, and not some random girl in my head from W.I.C.K.E.D.

I let out a soft sigh, slouching down in the passenger seat as I was wedged between Newt and Frypan in the front of the car. Newt often tried to talk to me, or rather get me to talk about my feelings, especially about Penelope, yet he always shutdown whenever anyone mentioned her name.

It felt as though she never even existed at all, and looking around, it was almost as though we were so incredibly insignificant, so replaceable. I knew it wasn't the truth, maybe..but it still often felt that way. I sucked up my pride once more and tried to reach through to Penelope again, feeling my hear beating in two's and four's, constantly skipping beats out of anxiety.

I really miss you. It wasn't much, but it was the truth, I suppose, though the headache began to take over my senses and I was nearly certain she had never even received the message at all, or perhaps her presence simply wasn't there in my mind anymore.

I began to wonder if she had blocked me out and shut me out from communicating with her entirely before I could feel my heart leap out of my chest.

I miss you too, Tommy.