Against The Tides

Chapter 9

                                  ZANDER’S POV

Day 1 of Suspension

Sleep. Eat. Binge. Repeat.

Day 2 of suspension

I gave Coco a nice bath hot bath and took him out for a morning walk. We spent half a day playing in the fields. Then, eat, binge and sleep.

Day 3 of suspension

I actually tried to ‘figure out’ what I wanted to do (as per my wise and kind principal’s advice). Which again involved doing.........well nothing. I was tired of people asking me why I changed so much. It wasn’t a choice. I hate being like this. I hate myself. 

I sighed and tried to un-tangle myself from my bedsheets. It was ten in the morning and a beam of bright sunlight forced its way into my bedroom through the window. Gods! I hate mornings. I sighed again and got up from my comfy bed. 

I spent a long time in the shower. No, I didn’t do anything like that. I just let the hot water flow against my body, it slightly eased the tension in my body and I relaxed a little. 

And then, eat, binge and sleep

Day 4 of suspension

I thought of calling my mom but then decided against it. I didn’t want her to know I was suspended. Again. 

But this time I had a proper reason, I was trying to help someone. I was actually surprised by my own actions; I definitely didn’t want to help Ash, but I had no idea what came over me. Maybe, it was his pleading puppy eyes that were begging for help or maybe, just maybe, I didn’t want him to see me as cold, heartless person. 

Which is also why I didn’t mention anything about Ash to the principal. He was such a nervous wreck even in front of his friends, he would probably have a full-fledged breakdown if he was called to the office. Besides, it was his first day at college. I found myself wondering why he skipped so many classes in the first place.

I was feeling extremely bored and somewhat.......lonely. 

I knew that it was my choice to stay away from people and push them away if they were becoming close. But at times like these, I just wish I had someone to talk to. Someone who would understand. Someone who wouldn’t judge me. Someone who would never leave.

There was a time when I assumed that I found the right person. Boy, I was wrong. Before my brain flooded itself with thoughts of him, I switched on the TV and started watching whatever was coming.

Well, you guessed it. I watched TV for the rest of the day and went to bed.

Day 5 of suspension

I was aimlessly sitting cross-legged on the sofa of my living room. I had already taken Coco for a walk and I was bored of watching TV. So, it meant nothing could stop my brain from thinking about him.

“C’mon Xander! Stop fussing. You don’t have to act all strong and composed around me. I know you are cold” he said, taking out his jacket and holding it to me. 

I couldn't believe it; he was offering me his jacket! Wasn’t that a romantic gesture? It probably meant nothing but I just couldn’t think of it any other way. When he saw my hesitation; he wrapped the jacket around my shoulders. I was feeling cold, true, but this gesture made multiple shivers run down my spine. 

My heart was in my throat. I looked at him. He was looking at me as well. I wanted to kiss him. Then and there. Before I could make any move, he smiled slightly and casually put an arm around my shoulders. 

“Better?” he asked. I looked away and slightly nodded, the inevitable blush spreading across my cheeks.

Just thinking about him brewed a storm of emotions inside me. Before, I used to feel giddy with happiness and weak in my knees. Now, all I could feel was anger, hurt and betrayal. 

“Stay the fuck away from me faggot!”

“Don’t you ever come near me again”

His words kept running through my head until the same things started echoing inside. I clutched my head in both hands and screamed. It was like he was actually standing in front of me, saying those things again and again. 

All the emotions I had suppressed came bursting out. I pulled my knees closer to my chest and rested my head against my knees. Before I could control it, I started sobbing.

It has almost been a year since it happened but I was far from getting over it. I rarely lost myself to my emotions like this. But here I was, curled up and weeping, while he was probably happily doing something, oblivious to my suffering.

Just then, the doorbell rang. I immediately knew who it was. I got up and wiped my face with my sleeve and made a failed attempt to fix my hair. I opened the door to reveal a very cheery looking Joshua, holding a box of pizza in one hand and a can of coke in the other.

Joshua was the only other person who knew I was gay, except well, myself and him. Joshua was also gay. Yes, we are exactly what you are thinking. Fuck-buddies. But we did share a strong bond of friendship as well. 

We met in a party, where Joshua was not so discreetly flirting with me. I admired his courage and we just clicked instantly. 

After finishing the food he bought for me in comfortable silence, I wrapped my arms around him and shifted him to my lap. Joshua was a little shorter than me and he had no muscle-power. We instantly got to business and lost complete track of time.

Day 6 of suspension

I woke up on my bed with Joshua clinging to my body. I smiled at his sleeping form. He was really hot, with short brown hair, light grey eyes and a defined jawline. I planted a small kiss on his cheek to wake him up.

“Morning.....” he said groggily, trying to get up. But I pulled him back on me and kissed him. He smiled into the kiss and deepened it. 

After some time, we freshened up and headed out to get some breakfast. We spent the rest of the rest of the day together- playing with each other’s hair and kissing, along with random general conversations.

I was definitely feeling better than yesterday. I should have just called him earlier. 

The last day of suspension

Joshua was in the shower, while I was sitting on my bed, drying my wet hair with a towel. We decided to go to the mall and do some shopping. 

I choose a black hoodie with white stripes and jeans, along with a few chains on my belt and my favourite vans. I then combed my hair and messed it up again. I looked at the mirror and threw a flying kiss towards myself.

Joshua had emerged from the shower and he was leaning against the frame of the bathroom door, smirking.

“I saw that, y’know” he said, the smirk never leaving his face.

“So?! So what? I love myself, ok?” I countered. I knew it was a lie. But then I was very aware of the fact that I had a good face (not to boost or anything), and I was also aware of the effect I had on people. Especially on people like Ash. 

                                 ****

We spent the entire day in the mall. We bought things for my house, new shoes for Joshua and a new belt for Coco. I was now, as usual, sitting on my bed, randomly scrolling through my phone. One of Ivy’s friend was throwing a party at her place and she had invited me.

On any other given day, I wouldn’t miss it. But today, I had a good time with Joshua and I didn’t feel like getting wasted. And I was in no mood to bear Ivy and her girls shamelessly flirting with me. I definitely didn’t want to go to college after a week with a hangover.

I texted my parents that I will call them over the weekend and sent a shirtless picture of myself to Joshua. I decided to call it a day and went to sleep early. As usual, I had the same nightmare I have been having for years now.