The Blue Orchid Years

Chapter 20: More Entanglement of Souls

December 28th 2626

On our last appointment before the sophomore class and I left campus for our study abroad program, my counselor at the Health Center thought it would be a good idea for me to express my unspoken feelings about everything through a letter I would never send. She did acknowledge that it might seem pointless but she also promised that it could calm my racing thoughts. Well, it wouldn't hurt to try, so that was how I ended up being awake at two in the morning penning a letter to my late mentor. If I couldn't stay asleep, I might as well do what I had been procrastinating on.

Setting the brightness of my laptop as low as it could get so as not to wake my roommates, I poured my heart and soul.

Dear Lee,

What is it like wherever you are? Is it true what they said about the afterlife?

There are a lot of things I have never told you. First of all, you were a great teacher. I really enjoyed the time we spent together in Golden Valley. I learned about different ways to appreciate the natural world around me but you also taught my friends and me how to be courageous. I have realized there are many types of courage and yours was the silent type. In retrospect, it seems to me you were always blending in but you supported everyone behind the screen. When we needed someone to back us up in court during the Deandra vs Mr. Milton debacle, you delivered. Since then, I resolved to be as dependable as you were.

I am now in Black Elm, Lee. The new professor who took your position, Gibran, he is wonderful. He pushed me to my limits without making me feel like my struggles are unheard. He knows how much I've been mourning and how bad my coping mechanism was. Honestly, being able to finally salvage my grades and having the chance to study abroad for the second time has humbled me. I have come to accept that I'll always miss you and that nobody can ever replace you but at the same time just because you metaphorically live in me doesn't mean I have to be your carbon copy.

Being at peace with one's self is a long process, that's what I finally understand after weeks of battling my own mind. I'm not going to pretend I've found peace, but I can say that I'll never again try to live a life that isn't mine to live.

Kind regards,

Nardho

P.S.: If heaven is real, please tell my grandma and grandpa that I'm thinking of them. Also, please tell Moira's parents I said hello and that their daughter is doing fine and that I hope they approve of my being with her.

That message would be forever stuck as a draft but I was glad I wrote it. I stepped out to the corridor to give my poor eyes a break from staring at the glow of my screen. The hallway of our bungalow was dark and, when I felt the wall to find the light switch, my hand brushed against another person's.

"Nardhia?" I rubbed my eyes and squinted when the light came on. "Why are you still up at this ungodly hour?"

"I've been thinking a lot," she whispered. "Seeing you asking yourself about the meaning of happiness all these weeks makes me question if I am truly happy."

"Is everything okay?" I studied her face. She did not seem to be in distress but she did appear to be... fatigued? Lethargic?

"I've been second-guessing my relationship with Tony," she sighed. "He's been good to me and there's nothing really wrong, but I feel like we haven't been having as much fun as we used to have. Is this normal?"

"What even is normal?" I snickered and waved my hand. "You're asking a guy for whom normal is relative."

"Not now, Dho!" she hissed at me for brushing her off. "I need my insightful brother, not a snickering relativist. Please don't be dismissive," she continued as her jaw clenched. "Have you ever hit this... this moment of ennui? With Moira, I mean."