The Sigma Asset 🏳️‍🌈 (bxb)║AMBYS WINNER 2022

37: His Ocean

Will wasn't allowed to eat the night before going into the operating theater, so Jules and I watched a movie while Will had an early night, ready for the five a.m. taxi ride to the hospital.

My dinner went down as easily as strips of newspaper and tasted the same. I was so restless during the movie that Jules fluttered around me with concern. "He's gonna be just fine tomorrow, Zeph."

"I know." I summoned all my willpower to snap out of it, enough that Jules eventually calmed down, and was about to head home.

But at the last moment my body decided to give up and confess everything, my fucking tearducts working in overdrive. Breathing like Meena had taught me didn't do a fucking thing, and my eyes brimmed with tears. Jules, who'd been half-way out the door, settled back on the sofa.

Just do it, Zeph. Cry if you wanna.

Hot tears fell, Jules comforting me with such loud reassurances that I thought that Will would wake up and come back into the room.

"Shh, Jules. Will's asleep," I rasped in between tearful breaths.

"He's gonna be fine," she said for the millionth time, trying to draw me into her arms, but my skin was burning with prickly heat, like I was fully baked. The room felt close and humid, and I suddenly wanted to be on the beach with freezing zephyrs blowing on me.

I covered my face with my palms. "It's not just that, Jules. I...I've done something really bad."

"Really bad?" Jules pulled my hands away from my face. "Something to Will?"

"Yeah...I..." I couldn't even say the words. Fretting endlessly over Will's surgery had truly wrecked my mind, making me see weird shit, and feel weird shit. "I shouldn't feel like this about him."

"You're...attracted to him?"

I looked up at her in silent confession. It sounded so wrong out loud. "Yeah."

"Hey, Zeph," she giggled, slinging an arm around me. "That was kinda obvious."

"How?"

"The way you ran outta Lavanderia crying when Selena teased you about him?" She gave me a fond smile. "You haven't done anything bad, Zeph. I'd be more surprised if you didn't feel attracted to him. Will's like...crazy handsome."

"I didn't realize he was, Jules. But today, suddenly it just all..."

Jules's brows pinched in thought. "You've known him for months and didn't realize that he's crazy handsome?"

I could understand Jules's disbelief. I cared about Will so much, but I hadn't really taken in what he looked like. Over the seven weeks that I'd known him, Will had just looked like every other generic humanoid, with a beard floating around other nondescript features. If I'd been aware of his looks, I'd have been driven to utter distraction in his wake over the past weeks.

How could I have lived with him for so long without noticing him? Without feeling anything? No desire, no longing, no...total abandon, around him. Wasn't that my thing? I lived for chasing hot guys like him, for chasing not-so-hot guys for that matter. At least, I used to.

"I never thought about that kinda stuff with Will. He was just...Will. But today on the beach, he was laughing, and..."

Jules was silent for long moments, but then cleared her throat, and spoke in a soothing voice as if she had it all worked out, and everything was gonna be just fine. "You've been spending a lot of time together since Mozhgan died. Nobody can blame you for getting a little...infatuated."

Yes. Infatuation. That was it. A dumb crush. A stupid infatuation because I was so grateful for what Will had done for me. But, why did it all burn so intensely if I was supposed to be dead inside?