The Sigma Asset 🏳️‍🌈 (bxb)║AMBYS WINNER 2022

34: The Summer Retreat

"She's pregnant," Ana Maria commiserated. "Everything's gonna get super-boring now."

"Holy shit!" I cried, trying to jam my sneakers on with my phone wedged under my chin. "Wait a second. I thought that her boyfriend was dead?"

"You mean Hassan? The blogs say he's being held in a Siberian lab until Season Four. But he might not be the father anyways. After the episode where the Russians faked Hassan's death, Leticia fucked that double-agent dude from M.I.6 in a helicopter, so either of them could be the father."

I had no idea how we'd gotten onto the plot of La Asesina Hermosa. We'd been talking about my passport application but had somehow ended up discussing Leticia Acero's comically convoluted spying career and sex life.

Ana Maria had been calling me every few days to reveal her hottest telenovela plot predictions. She was either trying to convert me, or she was lonely as hell at the Korean Embassy.

"So shit's not gonna get boring. Hassan's gonna break out of that Siberian lab and find out about the baby and the M.I.6 dude."

"Yeah, you're right, Zeph. Leticia's Mom is coming back for Season Four too. She's the scientist who owns the Siberian lab."

"Do I wanna know why she's keeping her son-in-law in a Siberian lab?"

"I think she's making him even more bionic. I don't know if he's got any real bodyparts left after what happened to him in Season Two," she said with a guilty little laugh.

"Hey," I sniggered. "If he turns out to be the father we'll at least have proof that his dick isn't bionic."

Ana Maria burst into peals of laughter. "You know? You're actually a really cool guy, Zeph." 

"Er...thanks? You were expecting me to be a total asshole or something?"

Ana Maria didn't rush to apologize. "I don't know. I guess I didn't expect that you'd talk much English. Or that you'd be funny."

This fucking woman, seriously.

I understood. She'd expected me to be more Asian. Maybe I was asking too much of the Korean Embassy to employ people who actually knew anything about Korea.

I missed Erica Choi's super-kind voice, and her earnest assurance that they were doing all they could to find Eomma. I doubted that Ana Maria had made any serious inquiries into Eomma's whereabouts since she'd taken over Erica's job.

"Puh-lease watch it, Zeph," she pleaded. "Leticia is super-beautiful, so many guys watch it just for her," she added, her voice full of reverence.

"Thanks, but I'm gay, so I'll give it a miss," I muttered.

"Santa Maria! Watch it for Hassan! He's so gorgeous!" she screeched through my phone speaker like a whistle. "But he's not really my type."

"What's your type, Ana Maria?" I asked, more out of politeness than any genuine interest in whatever botoxed actor she was into.

She paused for a long while. "Blond, I guess," she said finally, her voice shivering with...something. Sadness. Pain. A need for comfort. Was that why she called me so often?

But I was already late to see Gloria. "I gotta go, Ana Maria. Catch you next week," I said, adding myself to the long list of people whom Ana Maria Santiago couldn't count on.

"OK, sure. I'll tell you what's happening in Mujeres de Futbolistas then," she said hopefully.

I sent out a silent prayer to Santa Maria Estrella del Mar that the Embassy would have found Eomma by then, and I'd never have to talk to Ana Maria Santiago about telenovelas ever again.