Garrett's Other Side

28.)

She cringed.

"Ouch! Poor guy" she said.

"No, no. Not like— ugh" I said smacking my palm to my forehead.

"Not like friend-zone, but like... I'm not ready to truly love him. He said he doesn't mind if I don't mean it the way he does."

Everything I said was true, but I couldn't help but think saying "I love you" was cruel if I wasn't sure I meant it.

I wish I could just decide whether I meant it or not. Whether I believed in "love". Whether I wanted to believe in love...

"That still sucks for him" she said.

"Ya, I guess. But I don't want to get hurt again. George and I's breakup really hurt me. Even though he was horrible, it still hurt" I reminisced.

"And with... my past... I'm not sure I want to trust just anyone."

She understood what I was saying completely. Trusting people was not my thing. I want to trust in "us", but I'm just too scared. Especially with what's been going on recently.

"But" I said dragging the word out.

"My main thing is the nightmares. Well, flashbacks... and nightmares."

"How is he effected" she asked.

Shoot. I had to think of something quick. She can't know we stay together because of them. What do I say??

"I call him when they happen" I lied.

"Oh! I see" she said.

"So, how does he handle it?"

"Well, there's nothing he really can do, so he just stays... on the phone with me until I go back to sleep."

I lied again.

"Well, that's good! That's more than—" she stopped herself.

"I'm sorry, honey" she said cupping my cheek.

"It's ok, Mom. That's ancient history. George couldn't handle me, but so far, Garrett can. I'm not saying he's the one or that it'll last forever... but I want to believe in us. So bad" I said honestly.

"I know, honey. I know" she said planting a kiss on my head.

"I'm sure everything will be fine" she finished.

"I hope so" I said trying to sound confident.

I was being serious when I said I want to believe in us. I want us to make it! I want to... love Garrett. If love is real, I want to feel it with Garrett.

Maybe I've been so scared of us not working that I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe I'm too focused on me and not focused enough on him. On us.

Yes, I've been waiting for something to go wrong, but I'm going to try and fix that. I can't help my nightmares and sleepless nights, but I can change my perspective. Instead of waiting for things to go bad, I'm going to enjoy the good times. Even the small moments.

***

Getting ready for bed, I brushed my teeth and changed my clothes. I sat on the bed of my old room before I heard the door open.

"Hey, babe" Garrett said closing the door and walking over to me.

"What? You can't close the door. My parents will have a fit" I said smiling.

"It's only for a minute, and it's not like we're doing anything. That'd be weird!"

"Right" I laughed at him, waiting for him to speak again.