Devil's Fate

Sexy S'mores and Trees

Jason was ready to be home.

He loosened his tie as soon as he got in the Jaguar, his computer bag on the passenger seat and his jacket slung over it. When he started the car, his phone automatically connected, and as he pulled out of the parking lot at his therapist's office on Tuesday evening, he voice texted Ryan.

Jason: I'm on my way home.

Just saying the word home made Jason's insides feel lighter. His appointment hadn't been bad, but there had been some tough questions sprinkled in here and there once Dr. Gibson spotted the blue and silver ring on his finger. Once he'd clarified that he had not, in fact, run out and gotten married in the week since he'd seen her, Jason had filled in the entire story. He started all the way back at Chester calling, his impulse to go to Los Angeles immediately, and the hunt for Ryan. Jason navigated the why and how of that decision with ease when asked. It had been immediate, once he knew Ryan needed help. Jason hadn't second guessed that decision at all.

It was harder to talk about finding Ryan, the drugs, the flight home and the days afterward. His story-telling slowed down a bit. More questions were asked, and Jason had to think before he answered, trying to put everything in the right order. The first days together in Seattle had been such a mix of worry and relief that it was blurred in Jason's mind. But he very clearly remembered waiting for the STD test results, and what happened afterward. He didn't miss how Dr. Gibson's eyebrow lifted delicately when Jason told her they made love afterwards.

The one thing she'd asked, and told him to think about before their next session, was what changed. Even though he'd been eager to tell her what he thought the moment she asked, Dr. Gibson insisted that he take the week to think it over, write about it, and come to a conclusion. She didn't shame him for jumping back in head first, for welcoming Ryan into his home or for wearing Ryan's ring. She only asked, what changed, and Jason knew that he needed to spend some time on that this week.

I changed was what he'd been so quick to want to tell her, but he knew that wouldn't be good enough. Just saying that he'd changed was almost a cop-out. He had to dig in and dissect it, determine the why now behind it all, when a year ago he'd been so sure Mike was the answer to healing himself and leaving Mark and YRS behind.

Jason shook his head and almost laughed at himself. To have ever thought Mike was the answer... I'd have never been able to talk to him about any of it. He's the person who feels nothing but hatred toward Mark. He would have never understood the nightmares. He wouldn't have wanted to know that I still talk to him in my head sometimes. He would have never been able to cope with the fact that I still loved Mark.

It was true, he was stronger now, but that had been his own doing. It wasn't because he escaped his past with Mike, and enough time had passed now that Jason knew how flawed that thinking was, anyway. Escape would never be possible, but acceptance had been. And that was what had changed, the why now behind the commitment he and Ryan had made to each other.

A notification came through, Ryan telling him to be careful coming home, and Jason smiled at the screen on his dash. Home. This time that commitment is on solid ground because I'm on solid ground. I've accepted what happened to me, to Mark, and to Ry, too. The past will never be gone, but I can move away from it. I was wrong to think that Ryan needed to change. I was wrong to think that we weren't clicking once we were free. The problem was, I wasn't free. I was still Mark's. I had to accept the past to be able to accept all of Ryan as what I wanted. I had to let go of Mark to accept who I really am. And who I am, who Ryan is, that's what I wanted. That's what changed. Acceptance.

Jason felt accomplished when he pulled into the parking garage. He jotted down the word acceptance in the notes of his phone, ready to write his personal discovery up in his journal later for his appointment next week. That was all he was going to think about the subject for the rest of the night, other than filling Ryan in if he wanted to talk about it. He had other ideas in his head for the two of them that evening. The elevator ride up to the tenth floor had never felt so long, and his keys were in his hand long before he got to the front door.