Undeserving

| How It Really Is |

          I BIT MY LIP trying to hold back the tears that were threatning to spill as Zaheer walked out one of his many one night stands. I looked down not being able to see well due to the tears as I reached our wiping my eyes with the back of my hand.

I heard her giggle loudly as I scraped the already clean plate wishing I could drown their voices away. I feel like he does this sometimes to inflict pain on me and it always worked.

I snapped out of my trance grabbing a paper towel drying my hands turning to face the island cutting some onions as I was trying to make pancakes and cabbage sauce with minced meat.

I heard the door close as his footsteps became louder before he finally appeared just in his usual basketball shorts and socks with Nike slides on.

He glanced at my direction as he resumed his walk without saying a word to me. I tucked my bottom lip in my mouth looking ahead giving me the view of the bright empty living room with the sunlight peeking through the curtains.

I used to love mornings mainly because I was a sunrise person. I liked how quiet and peaceful it was since I could barely sleep if Zaheer had company over.

But I'm not really a fan of it anymore probably because of what I just witnessed. A woman all up on him which any woman wouldn't want to see her husband with another woman? Exactly.

Probably because of how loud they got which sometimes made me cry the whole night, then there are times were they were just too loud to sleep on.

I looked over my one year old son who was sitting in his high seat busy slobbering on a shortbread I gave him making me forget all my worries for a moment.

That's the only thing Zaheer ever put a smile on mg face for and I thanked him everyday for us having him whenever I saw him.

We decided to name him Jamal after his grandfather which he had grown to love. He always smiled or giggled whenever you called his name.

I could die for my family if I was ever given a choice without hesitation. It was kind of sad brcause I knew Zaheer wouldn't do the same if he can't glance my way.

He only speaks to me when he wants to ask about Jamal or if I saw an accessory of his or something. We slept in different rooms unless our parents came over.

I am grateful enough he respects my parents enough and helps me out by playing his part which doesn't mean much because I also did the same so it was like the saying "you scratch my back, I scratch yours."

I wiped the biscuit crumbs off the side of his mouth as he smiled holding up his shortbread meaning I should eat it. I took a bite of it which was soaked as he laughed showing his gums throwing his hands up in the air excitedly.

I turn back to the onions chopping it the way I wanted them before gathering them in a bowl placing them beside the chopped peppers I kept beside the pot.

I wiped the surface of the island before reaching over picking my phone up taking a boomerang of Jamal slobbering on his biscuit before psting it on my story putting the caption "how many hours to take before he finishes this???"  instantly getting three veiws.

I had an active instagram account with a total of twelve thousand followers. It was mostly about Jamal or what I cooked, my family or friends.

I post my pictures once in a while when I feel like it, or the few times i go out wth Zaheer, I take boomerangs or videos of him walking ahead of me. I rarely post anything with his face, only the picture of our wedding.

He was outgoing and spoke off my ear sometimes and i honestly missed that. We were in a good place at a time but everything changed at a point. Sometimes I wish it never happened but what can I do.

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This was like a prologue showing how her life is. And Khadija and Zaheer are the main characters. There wouldn't be anyone replacing them. The characters are left for you to use your imagination. And when you see me use imran anywhere, it's actually jamal. Imran was the original name but changed my mind.