Undeserving

| Hurting |

I was curled up in my bed, laying on my side staring at the blank wall ever since he stopped his assault on me. I couldn't hear his footsteps even after he exited the room, but I stayed in the same position. Several knocks were delivered to my door but none was answered and everyone left assuming the room was empty. Ironically that's how I felt.

Empty.

It took a lot of courage for me to get to the shower, stripping off her clothes leaving them on the floor. My body stayed under the scalding water my mind elsewhere, staring off to space and when I finally snapped back to reality, I snatched the sponge fighting back tears.

I choked out a sob as I scrubbed my body with the sponge continuously as several whimpers escaped my lips, wishing I could wipe off the feeling from my body. It felt like his hands were all over me, taunting me. No matter how hard I scrubbed my skin, I felt dirty but I kept going leaving red scratches all over my arm.

A gut wrenching scream ripped out of my mouth as I slid down the tiled wall with my hands over my face, my shoulders quaking as the sobs racked through my body. I flinched when I heard the door slam shut and swallowed my tears, quickly stepping out of the shower wrapping a robe hanging from the rack around my body, placing my hand on the knob twisting the door open.

My hands remained on the knob hesitantly, flashes of the past night coming back to me almost instantly. I shook it off my thoughts stepping out of the bathroom to find Zaheer taking off the cuffs of his kaftan. His head whipped towards me at the sound of door closing.

I don't know if my mind was so clouded but there was a look of concern that flashed across his face for a second as he noticed my puffy face, before he focused on his cuffs once again.

"Zaheer." I choked out making him look up once again, his eyes roaming over my puffy face. There was no expression on his face whatsoever but my mind failed to register at the time.

"What happened?" His brows knitted in what appeared to be concern as my lips quivered, my head lowering from his question.

"Mahmoud —" I trailed off my voice disappearing as my lips parted but no words came out. A tear trailed down my cheek as I clutched my hand to my chest.

"He came last night. I tried to push him off but he —" I couldn't finish my sentence as the sob I tried so hard to suppress crawled up my throat. I swallowed the lump in my throat raising my eyes to meet his.

"He forced himself on me." I whispered the last part as my heart clenched at my revelation. It felt worse hearing it from my very own lips. A dreadful silence followed after my revelation and for a moment, I thought he didn't hear what I said.

That was before he spoke.

"You're really serious about this?" Zaheer questioned with an irritable expression on his face. I froze, my mind taking longer to register his words and when I did, I could feel my heart breaking to pieces.

"What?" I uttered confusedly.

"The best thing you could come up with was pinning my brother against me?" He squinted his eyes accusingly making me scrunch my brows as I took in his angered state.

What right did he have to get angry?

"He was the only person who stood by you and the best thing you could do for him was throw him under the bus to get what you want?" Zaheer ran a hand down his face letting out a humorless laugh shaking his head in the process.

"Do you think I'd lie about this? Do you think I would lie about something that big? Do you know what I went through while you were out there," I thrusted my hand toward the door angrily. "— giving him a reason to do what he did without caring about the consequences because he knew there was none." I bit my lip to prevent the frustrated cry that threatened to escape my lips.

"You've given me no reason to doubt my brother Khadija." Zaheer exclaimed as he raised his hands letting them hang for a while before he lowered his head.

"I know saying this about your sibling isn't easy, but I'm the mother of your child Zaheer. Why would I lie about something like this?" Several tears rolled down my cheeks as I stared into his eyes pleadingly, desperate for his understanding but when his cold, empty eyes bore into mine I knew there was nothing like that anymore.

His index finger raised to flick his nose with his head hung. "I know our relationship isn't the best, but the fact that you're pinning something as serious what you're insinuating, just to spite me. That isn't fair to him." He shook his head disapprovingly, his tone hard.

"Are you serious Zaheer, you're not even stopping to listen to what I have to say?" I cried out getting no reaction from him as he raked his hand over his trimmed hair in frustration. A low huff escaped his lips as he shot me an incredulous look.

"I just told you your brother took —" I paused failing to repeat my words and I shut my eyes momentarily. "And that's all you on have to say?" My voice cracked as I stared at him hopelessly, my eyes stinging with tears once again.

"You told me you didn't want this marriage anymore two nights before. And suddenly Mahmoud who got married a week ago took advantage of you, talk about perfect timing." Zaheer laughed clapping his hands tilting his head to the side questioningly, a painful silence following after.

The way his eyes crinkled when he laughed would've fooled someone thinking the laugh was genuine but seeing the familiar cold look in his eyes reminded me I was never going to see that sight. It was always going to be foreign.

His words left me speechless and I could only stare at him wide eyed, wondering where everything went all wrong and what I did to make him despise me so much to say those words to my face.

"Do you have a heart?" I whispered and he only let out a breath as a laugh, his eyes sizing me up before meeting my eyes once again.

"You have me wondering the same though." Zaheer shrugged his shoulders, sliding his hands in his Jalabia's pockets.

"I feel bad for the girl who thinks she can ever be happy with you. Because nothing will be enough for you." I shook my head in disgust, wondering why I was crying all these years for someone like him.

My words had no effect on him which I expected as he only blinked at my words, his eyes void of any emotion as he raised his hand to glance at the watch on his wrist before his dark orbs landed on me.

"And what happens to you, who in their right mind would skip all the appealing options in the world for damaged goods?" His eyes raked my figure with repulsion as I clenched my hands into fists. He was using my words against me, taunting me.

A lump formed in my throat as my eyes welled with tears for the umpteenth time this morning, the harsh words coming out of his mouth sounding so foreign, leaving me wondering just how much the man I considered my husband hated me.

"When you realize there's nothing waiting for you outside of this marriage, it'll be too late to come back. You should bear that in mind." He warned and I found myself laughing through my tears, genuinely finding what he said funny.

"And what's there in the marriage? The possibility of something waiting on me is enough than death being the only way I can find happiness." I seethed and his eyes flashed with an expression I couldn't decipher.

That was the first reaction I got out of him since we started this argument and the worst part was that was the only thing I said from the bottom of my heart, because that was truly how I felt and I wondered how self centered he was not to realize it sooner. He took longer to respond this time around as he hung his head, his face not visible to me.

"I guess the feeling's mutual." Zaheer muttered in a low tone, almost a whisper but I managed to catch the words. I clenched my jaw as he walked out of the room, the soft click on the door confirming just how alone I was in all this as I crashed to the floor, a gut wrenching scream escaping my lips as I clutched my hand to my chest, clawing my hand at the skin.