stutter » a. irwin

chapter 24. unsteady

❀ J U L I A ❀

Low murmurs were the first thing I heard when I woke. My hair was stuck to my face where dried tears had trekked their way down beforehand, and I struggled to peel my eyes open before realizing they were swollen from crying.

"-And I hate that he did this to her, because she's still so fragile and feels everything twice as hard." Rachel's voice was a mumble, but there was a protective fire that blazed beneath it. She paused for a moment, listening to the voice on the other end of the receiver, and I strained to hear the rest of her conversation. "Yeah, I thought he was a good guy, that he would help her move past everything that she made her believe, but-"

I tuned out then, not willing to listen for the fear that I would start crying again. Hearing Rachel talk about me only affirmed how weak I appeared, but then again, I was weak; I was easy to manipulate and easy to hurt. My chest tightened as Joyce's words replayed in my head as they had so many times over the years; the only difference being that Ashton's words now joined hers.

"I always knew you would choose your friends by their status."

"So that's it? It's over because of a stupid song?"

"You worry about everything and even people liking you. I hate that."

"You know, maybe Joyce was right about you after all."

My head shot up as Rachel appeared in front of me, her eyes widening when she saw I was awake.

"Yeah Mel, I will. She's awake now. I'll let you know if anything happens, yeah? Tell your mom I said hi. Okay, bye."

She clicked the phone off, and we sat in silence before I finally spoke up.

"You didn't have to call my sister," I said irritably. "I'm not a child."

Rachel ran a hand down her face, and I could sense the frustration radiating off of her. "It's been two weeks since I came back to find you in the corner, crying so hard that you could hardly breathe, and I still don't know the full story of what happened to make you this way."

"I told you-"

"That's bullshit Julia." she interrupted me harshly. "I'm scared, okay? You've been having attacks nearly everyday now; you don't want to go outside. You barely eat anything. You've haven't moved from this damn uncomfortable couch for the whole two weeks I've been here. You've just been crying and sleeping and staring into space, and I know you're lost in your head when you do that. The last time this happened was because of her, and you're still affected by that."

I closed my eyes, remembering the restless nights and the moments where attacks would come out of nowhere and no one knew how to stop them. I had tried my best to hide them from my parents, but my younger sister Milena had witnessed them firsthand.

"What do you want me to do?" I asked desperately. "I can't stop the attacks."

"I want to help you Julia," Rachel said fiercely. "But most of all, I need you to help yourself. You can't rely on other people for your happiness anymore."

I took a deep breath, realizing she was right. Without knowing, I had become dependent on others to help me move past my experience with Joyce, to bring me the happiness I wanted. I had done it with Rachel, and I had done it with Ashton. I jumped into a relationship believing it would help me forget, but it was only temporary. The insecurities Joyce inflicted on me had become what my life revolved around, and I couldn't rely on anyone to take that away but myself.

"I want it all to stop." I began. "I don't want to feel paranoid whenever I meet new people because of what she did. I don't want to have attacks out of nowhere. I don't want to be so insecure that I overreact in every single situation. But just when I feel like everything is going to be okay, I'm overcome with every single one of my fears, and I hear her voice in my head again."

Rachel took a seat next to me, but her face wasn't filled with pity or sympathy like I had expected it to be. For that, I was grateful. Instead, she looked at me with determination in her eyes, and a vague understanding, almost as if she had experienced a part of what I had been going through for the majority of my life.

"You can't block out what she's said to you, because her words will always find a way to worm itself into your mind. The only thing you can do is accept them, but understand that what she's done does not define who you are. The same with whatever Ashton said to you."

I met her eyes, hearing the unspoken question that lay beneath her words. She was leaving it up to me whether to answer or not, and I realized I was tired of lying about my feelings.

"He said..." I clenched my eyes tightly as the echoing remnants of the argument replayed in my mind. "He said that Joyce was right about me after all."

There was a beat of silence, and I slowly cracked an eye open to see the rage that flitted across Rachel's face as she leapt to her feet. Her eyes were what scared me the most. They were filled with a burning fire that I was grateful to have never witnessed until this moment.

"And he, uh- he took my songbook and stole a song I wrote about him and it's the band's new single."

My words blended together in my rush to get them out as quickly as possible, and I cringed, awaiting the explosive reaction I knew would follow my words. Truthfully, the fact that Ashton had stolen my song was what stung the least.

"What the fuck!"

Rachel looked like she wanted to throw something, and I couldn't blame her.

"Well, he had good intentions-" I tried to explain, but the sentence died on my lips when I registered that for some sick reason, I was trying to defend Ashton.

"He has no fucking right to even say her name when he doesn't even know half of the story!"

"I know." I mumbled quietly.

"And he's just making assumptions based on some shit that she said?"

I know."

"Why am I ranting about him when I know you feel like crap?"

"I don't know." I cracked a tired smile at her, moving towards the end of the couch to make room for her now that all her rage seemed to have seeped out. She pulled her knees to her chest and rested her head on my shoulder.

"You know that none of what he said was true, right?"

I was silent for a moment, thinking of how entirely sober Ashton was when the words fell from his lips. I had been thinking about them for days. Joyce was right, Joyce was right, Joyce was right. They were like a sick taunt that my brain couldn't escape from, and I couldn't help but wonder if maybe they were true. Was she right all along? Was everything she did justified, and I was the one overreacting, like always?

"I don't know."

It was all I could say. Rachel opened her mouth to argue, but I interrupted her before she had the chance.

"If it wasn't true, then why did he say it? Why did he do any of this in the first place?"

A pained look crossed my best friend's face.

"I don't know."

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Q: what's ur fave chapter/moment in this story so far? mine is probably chap. 22 where julia and calum get drunk af and we learn about cal's amnesia girl

this was short ugh

love u guys do that multiple comment thing i love those make me v happy